Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

[GeordieBadgers]

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

That email is absolutely appalling- worse yet. Complete emotional blackmail and makes you sound like a psychopath. Has he any rabbits FFS

Bloody hell op, don't email him that. Any of it. It's nasty, passive aggressive, manipulative and ridiculously dramatic.

Tell him to have a good time with his DD.

Then in a few days just tell him that the relationship isn't working because you're not mature or secure enough to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

Actually, this has to be a wind up

I don't think op isn't really a kid person hence why she doesn't see her own DC that much and wrote about them rather coldly they were fairly young weren't they op?

I wasn't using a mm phrase, I was asking you are you on crack? As that paragraph of your email was so self obscessed it was shocking.

I find your attitude about his DD appaulling especially as your a mother yourself surely you should understand wanting to see your kids.

Do not send the email, it does not help anything, just walk away if it gets you this wound up. Honestly, life is too short.

Wtf if my oh sent me that email (we are also 9 months into a relationship) I'd tell him to leave my keys and never contact me again.

Of course I'd chose seeing my dc over having sex ffs

what would happen if your ex needed you to have your kids

never happens and in any event we have two sets of grandparents that are very hands-on.

And as Underthemoonlight keeps digging for details, I will satisfy her:

I am not a confident parent. I have never recovered from the PND I had after giving birth despite having counselling, antidepressants and a CPN. Despite having ovaries I believe EH is a better parent and they are better with him. Are you satisfied? Have I committed a crime to top all crimes?

My children are not a problem in this scenario. So leave them out of it. They have a good routine that never wavers.

I think you should get back in touch with your CPN. Your response and those emails are not healthy.

Just email saying "have a lovely time with "daughter", glad you're on your way home safe. How does dinner Friday night sound? Cant wait to see you x"

Like any other person would send

Surely as their mother you should be working to have them why should the grandparents be on call when they have a mother there who is also a parent? The responsibility shouldn't be soley down to your ex.

If you're not a confident parent that you can't parent your DC why did you get pregnant and recently trying again with a man who has already has a child. Surely if your unable to meet your own DC needs then a relationship with a man who has a child isn't the right relationship for you.

So, are we all agreed on the small email?

No emails.

Which is clear when he puts her before you seems almost absurd to you. I do think your responses are erratic and you could do with getting in with you're CPN.

You are trying to get pregnant? Christ.

"I think you should arrange to have [DD] when you arrive back in UK. I will put your keys in [location] and perhaps see you on Friday after work? Have a lovely time with [DD]"

Acceptable?

I'm, telling you all now he will dig for a further reaction. I can predict it right now.

I think your personal situation is clouding your view. What's good for you might not be good for him.

I think he sounds like a great guy and dad and if you carry on with your emails you will lose him. If I gmgor those emails I would see them as slightly passive agressive or manipulative. You don't need to give him permission to see his own child. I think your being hard work

Why put his keys back? Why be dramatic because you didn't get your own way? Unless you're ending the relationship.

This relationship is not healthy for you. I don't want this to sound mean, but very few parents, especially mothers compartmentalise their children in this way. Wanting a partner with children so you have common ground is not going to help you. You are (hopefully) not going to find someone with the same attitude to children as you have.

I really don't don't think you should be getting pregnant with your past history and your inability to be flexible with kids

yes, fine. And the only reason he will push for more, if he has already picked up on vibes that tou have an issue with his daughter. Personally I don't see why you can't just do something together.

Of course I'd chose seeing my dc over having sex ffs

Some people are really missing the point here. The original arrangement was see me tuesday. see DD wednesday. Then literally 24 hours before we are due to see each other he suggests alternative plans. THE LACK OF NOTICE is my problem NOT the fact he wants to see his DD. Why is no one getting this?????

If I had autism would you all be giving me such a shit time for not wanting my routine/plans continously pissed on at the last minute when he had plenty of time to prep me?!!! My mental health issues have a similar fear-inducing effect as autism. Shit. I thought MN was better than this.

What do you mean by "he'll dig for a further reaction"?

If that's the case, and he knows you have mh problems, then he's a dick. He sounds like he isn't good for you.

This isn't the relationship for you in that case. His daughters mental health is more important than yours. Plans change. That's how it is when you are in a relationship with a man with a six year old.