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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

215 replies

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 12:25

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:24

Ok, final attempt:

"I think you should see [DD] and I hope you have a lovely time. Shall I see you on Friday after work?"

Note: I am doing two back-to-back nightshifts on Wed and Thurs so by Friday I'll be knackered. It'll be shit. I think that's probably why Tues was best. But nothing can be done.

OP posts:
Hayles88 · 21/11/2016 22:24

underthemoonlight

Here here. You've summed it up perfectly.

SVJAA · 21/11/2016 22:24

I think everyone criticising OP for not having her kids living with her is being unfair. She has clearly stated that she felt her XH was the more stable parent, therefore the DC live with him, surely that's a responsible parenting decision? Or are women expected to just cling to their kids because it's what society demands, even if it's not best for the kids?

Lunar1 · 21/11/2016 22:25

What if he ended up with his dd full time?

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:25

That draft is better.

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:26

I wasn't intending to insult. I am just genuinely struggling to fathom how ridiculous this whole situation is, how unhealthy the relationship clearly is, and the poor child stuck in the middle, who may well have a clear understanding of what is going on. It is just dreadful.

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Ok, here is what I have sent:"I've been thinking about this non-stop since our conversation earlier. I think you should see DD and I hope you have a lovely time. Perhaps I will see you after work on Friday if I'm not too tired?"

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 22:27

It isn't that her children don't live with her, more that she is disengaged from them and actively avoids extra time with them. I understand her mental health issues play a part in that but it is unfair to expect her partner to parent in the same way because of her needs.

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:28

That footnote is more emotional blackmail. It is really awful.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:29

BPD is a whole situation of its own. People with BPD sometimes do come across as self-centred but it's part of the condition.

OP had obviously made a mature, considered decision for the sake of her own DCs' stability so she's capable of working this situation through too.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:29

*SVJAA*have you read ops previous threads she didn't like being a mother, she couldn't connect with them, found them boring, but has gotten pregnant and has recently been trying again she also doesn't understand the need that her DP has in prioritising and making last minute changes to see his DD sooner because she doesn't feel the need to prioritise her own DC. That's my point. I think op is extremely vulnerable and really needs some help with her MH and I don't think her DP is the approiate relationship for her to be having.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:29

OP you've named DSD there.

Lunar1 · 21/11/2016 22:30

If she can apply that logic to her own dc, she can extend it to other dc and realise she is not the best person to get embroiled in their life.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:31

*Today 22:27 stitchglitched

It isn't that her children don't live with her, more that she is disengaged from them and actively avoids extra time with them. I understand her mental health issues play a part in that but it is unfair to expect her partner to parent in the same way because of her needs.*.

^ this with bells on

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:32

I've reported my post as I just realised I didn't anon DDs name. Sorry, it's late.

OP posts:
Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:33

Don't move in or think about marrying him.

It's got disaster written all over it.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:33

*BPD is a whole situation of its own. People with BPD sometimes do come across as self-centred but it's part of the condition.

OP had obviously made a mature, considered decision for the sake of her own DCs' stability so she's capable of working this situation through too.*

God bless you for being the only kind voice on this thread. I'm crying that someone understands :( BPD is like being a slave to one's emotional response. It's a horrible condition and I would not wish this torment on anyone.

OP posts:
Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:35
Flowers

You need some thinking time.

SVJAA · 21/11/2016 22:38

Underthemoonlight no I haven't read any previous threads, I'm just making the point that if OP feels that her XH is the better parent for their kids, surely it's better that he has full time care of them?

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:39

I don't think that's for discussion now without knowing the full story

Maybe83 · 21/11/2016 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:42

Today 22:27 stitchglitched

It isn't that her children don't live with her, more that she is disengaged from them and actively avoids extra time with them. I understand her mental health issues play a part in that but it is unfair to expect her partner to parent in the same way because of her needs.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:45

Op are you in contact with your CNP? I think his DD is a red herring and there some deeper issues that need dealing with rather than focusing on something rather minimal such as your DPs DD. There been many erratic threads recently that you posted and I do think you need some help with the right support in place. I'm not saying it to be mean but I think some perspective and tough love is needed here.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:46

Well, here's the reply. I'm still as confused as ever:

Me: Oi. Are you awake yet?
Me: I've been thinking about this non-stop since our conversation earlier. I think you should see DD and I hope you have a lovely time. Perhaps I will see you after work on Friday if I'm not too tired?

Him: Boo
Him:Stop thinking, we have agreed
Him:See you soon
Me:I do wholeheartedly think this is the best

Him:Aah
Me:I want you to be happy and relaxed. DD comes first.
seeing DDis more important than eating dinner and having sex with me.

Him: Get a sleep
Him: You're bit crazy
Me: If I'm not too tired after the double nightshift, I'll see you on Friday okay? Or failing that, Sunday with all kids together?

Him: See you today/tomorrow
Me: DD is a kid. I am an adult. She takes priority.

Stop thinking, it's not working
Me: I will feel better of you see DD
Me: Neither of us will be relaxed otherwise

Him: Btw, I can't have DD. CAN'T
Me: Why ask me then?

Him: Oh fuck off then. It's unbearable
Him: Can't take this anymore
Him: Place the keys in [location] as agreed
Me: I just want you to be happy when you come back. Not miserable or resentful ❤️
Me: I love you and I need to stop being a dick.

YOU made me miserable ALREADY
Me: I'm sorry. Let's make it better. You can see DD and I'll see you at the weekend.
Me: I need to grow up and act like an adult.

Now what have I done wrong?? Confused

OP posts:
peppatax · 21/11/2016 22:49

Oh dear OP. Looks like for whatever reason he was going to see you but I have a feeling you totally messed it up there with the martyr-ish comments about sex and dinner.