Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

[GeordieBadgers]

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

[GeordieBadgers]

Finola1step I have my own house but practically live with him. He's urging me to move in properly.

[Underthemoonlight]

If you were without your DC for 10 days surely you want to see them first? My scare my priority and I couldn't wait to see them yabu

[Underthemoonlight]

Just wondering how come your ex has primary care of your DC it's not that common a set although does happen

[YoScienceBitch]

I think the message it's sending is that his daughters time and schedule comes before you. Which is how it should be.

[GeordieBadgers]

Guys, it's the lack of notice that I'm upset about. Being let down at the last minute.

Are you misunderstanding my post?

[ladylambkin]

I don't think this is the right relationship for you, perhaps better suited to a man with no children would be better.

His DD should and will always come first

[crusoe16]

It's understandable you're upset OP. But equally understandable that given the opportunity (last minute or not) your DP might ditch you to see his DD having also not seen her for 10 days. I'm not sure how regular contact is but if it's very regular, she may have missed him more than you!

[GeordieBadgers]

So every partner he has must accept being regularly pissed around at the last minute? What woman will accept that daily?

[PenguinsandPebbles]

My DP is the RP, DC mother is always cancelling last minute on her scheduled visits the number of times we have thought "Hooray child free afternoon/night" and she has just cancelled on the DC, and we have picked up the pieces of course we love them dearly but sometimes a Saturday night alone all night would be epic! But it's called being a responsible parent, you work with it.

So I don't think YABU to feel a little put out that your romantic plans have had to change, because it's a bit disappointing but that's life with children things change, you just get on with it. If you don't have your children on a regular basis and he sees his child rarely surely you have many more opportunities to have one on one time just move your romantic date to the next day. If it had been that you had arranged for childcare etc then I'd see your point a bit more but I'm guessing it's one night and I think you just have to work with it.

The Disney parenting however is a completely different kettle of fish.

You do seem a bit flippant about just ending your relationship, just end it and move on if that is how you feel at nine months in will be better for everyone I should think.

[Asteria36]

The lack of notice was thoughtless, but it may also have just been a breakdown of communication between you both. I don't think you are being a precious snowflake for being disappointed though, especially not if you get to twiddle your thumbs all evening whilst your dp does the yo-yo act.
Address the communication in a really non-confrontational way and then at some point in the near future tackle the bedtime thing.
My dh has advanced divorced dad guilt complex. He has indulged the dc (who recently came to live with us) to the point that dsd (11) has an all out shit fit tantrum if he doesn't sit with her until she is asleep. It is attention seeking behaviour that is being rewarded every time.

[GeordieBadgers]

divorced dad guilt complex

Do only dads get this disease?

[Underthemoonlight]

Op I find that odd your annoyed about his DD, when you have your own DC surely if your not primary carer you would jump at the chance to have your own DC more? Can I ask how come you haven't got PR for them it seems odd in many cases it's DM who has or or it is50/50.

[Underthemoonlight]

How often to you see you're own DC?

[Underthemoonlight]

I remember your posts now your the mum who didn't want to be a mother to her DC and how her BF was behaving innapproiately and you could be pregnant. Numberous people told you to leave and focus on your relationship with youre own DC

[bluelilies]

She just calls for him. He's made a rod for his own back

I think the way to phrase it is that you need some adult time with him after DSD has gone to sleep - so she won't be calling for him. So if it takes him til 10.30 to get her off to sleep, that will mean a late night, but you still get the time together. Make sure it's him that has to get up with her in the morning, and you have a lie in. That way, he's learning that adult relationships take time too, and that if he wants one he does need to make time for it. If he wants to tackle DSD's sleeping habits, he could do that - and you could be supportive - but he needs to want to tackle it of his own accord, because he can see that it's causing him problems, not because he feels that you're getting upset about it.

I do think you need to be flexible about short notice changes to contact sometimes - but it's the way that it's phrased I find matters most. Of course I know I can't refuse requests, but it matters that I'm asked, out of principle

[stitchglitched]

He's been away for 10 days, he wants to see his daughter and her mother probably wants a break. That's perfectly understandable. I remember your other threads and I do think you would be far better off trying to focus on your relationship with your own children than obsessing over the contact arrangements of your boyfriend of 9 months.

[GeordieBadgers]

Underthemoonlight I see mine once or twice a week.

[Underthemoonlight]

Seeing your DC once or twice a week might be ok for you but not your DP, I don't think your in a situation whereby you can really pass comment on his access arrangements and call him divorced dad guilt when you see your DC so little.

[Petal02]

OP – I know how you feel. It doesn’t help that the dynamics are so skewed in these situations; what you’d normally have, is a man and woman who get together, establish a relationship before any children come along, and therefore the relationship of the man/woman would be the primary relationship in the household. But it just doesn’t work like that in a blended family, the step-child was there before you, so the father/daughter are the primary relationship in your situation, and when you’re playing second fiddle to a child, it just doesn’t feel right, no matter how many people tell you the child should come first.

Add the guilt-ridden Disney Dad, and potentially a malevolent ex, and you’ve got a very bumpy ride.

My DH often used to work away, and there were occasions when the ex would ‘helpfully’ suggest he had a ‘bonus’ access weekend upon his return – and you’d have to be a saint not to feel resentful.

[PenguinsandPebbles]

I remember too now underthemoonlight

This was the man who has his exWives clothes at his house and asks the OP to wear them and when they were six months in the OP was talking about leaving because he had a text from his ex asking for a drink.

You need to move away from this man OP and focus on sorting your own mind out.

You have two children that if you are going to be a permanent fixture in their lives even for a few hours a week you owe it to them as well as yourself to find some balance in your life.

[Underthemoonlight]

It's apparent that you and your DP have many issues and this is one of them. For the sake or yourself and your DC I suggest you end this relationship and focus on your DC as judging from your previous threads your life sounds chaotic

[Lunar1]

Did he actually plan with you a romantic evening when he got back from working away or did you make an assumption that it would be specifically the first night he was back?

I've just realised I've read some of your posts before and really thing you should be with someone without children.

It sounds like he and his ex have a very flexible setup. They is no shame in admitting that this isn't right for you.

[swingofthings]

Guys, it's the lack of notice that I'm upset about. Being let down at the last minute.
What notice? Did you make plans that you would be spending his first evening back together or did you make that assumption? You don't live together, so I'm not clear why you think you have priority to his time over his daughter. I expect he missed on his normal time when he was away and he would have to wait until at least this week-end to see her again, or maybe even longer?

He missed his daughter and wants to see her knowing that otherwise, it will be longer to see her whereas he'll be able to spend time with you after she's in bed and the day after and after.

I went away for one week when my OH and I had been together for less than a year and believe me, however much I already loved him, it is my kids I was desperate to see when I got back. Unlike you though, he was the one suggesting that I spend the first evening back with them exclusively and said that we would enjoy being together the following day. This thoughtful attitude is one of the main reasons why I fell so madly in love with him and decided to share my life with him. If instead he'd had a tantrum over it, it would have been a significant setback and might have been the start of the end of our relationship.

[satinthedark]

This has nothing to do with step parenting it is about parenting full stop.

Things change on numerous things and plans go haywire be they in "normal" families, blended families. Sometimes with abit of notice, others with none - Sunday DCS were going to spend time with their Dad - I had my plans - DC2 started puking and puking and puking. No way car driveable - so plans went up in smoke - C'est la vie.

He did not ask you to look after his DD.

[GeordieBadgers]

I have my children part-time and it's a very fixed routine that works. Very seldom is anything changed and never last-notice.

Apparently this must be atypical?

So an erratic lifestyle is the norm in blended families? This is the first dad I've dated tbh so this is my first experience. I'd still rather date a fellow parent so there will be some commonality.