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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

215 replies

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 12:25

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

OP posts:

Manumission · 21/11/2016 23:13

SIL, who drops in and out of accepting/tackling her BPD, but is much better when she uses mindfulness techniques.

And a friend who has had both ASC and BPD dxs now but does quite well on a CBT, mindfulness, yoga and hiking regime she's devised for herself.

sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 23:14

OK, so much the better that you know texting is off the cards for the next day due to flight.

I don't know much about BPD so this is probably futile advice, but just try to not stress about it too much. This would all have come to a head sooner or later because you both are who you are, and the situation is what it is.

So either you'll speak tomorrow, or at the weekend. Try not to fix in your head an idea of how that conversation will go. Be open minded and ready to discuss things honestly with him when you both get that opportunity. You've seen tonight how trying to get all your thoughts and arguments out in one big splurge to him and anticipating a certain reaction doesn't lead to a good result! Wait and see what he has to say for himself. If contact isn't actually that as hoc and is organised in advance but he just forgets about it, I think that is fixable really.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:14

Do they run DBT in your area OP? It's supposed to be a very good treatment option for BPD.

Yes, I'm on the waiting list for that too. I've heard great things about it.

If he's the one you should be able to stay strong together whilst dealing with life and all the peripheral shit that goes with it.

It's almost always him that changes plans at last minute, never me. It makes me feel taken for granted and unloved. He's chaotic and unorganised.

OP posts:

SarcasmMode · 21/11/2016 23:14

I'm quite concerned for you OP- you don't sound like you are in a good places mentally right now.

Do they do DBT where you live? It's supposed to be good for BPD sufferers.

It must be an emotional roller coaster I do sympathise. But I also feel you need to take a deep breath and look at who is this good for.

Is this good for you? It doesn't sound like it.
Is it good for DP? Again I'd say not.
Is it good for his DD? Potentially not.

It seems he doesn't have the right headspace to deal with your condition which is fair enough, but it would be so much better for you to be with someone who understands it and knows how to deal with it (as best as you can , anyway).

It's shit feeling cold one minute and effector are the next a bit like being two different people.

Perhaps he wants to work at this? Perhaps you want to slowly learn to deal with adapting to change?

But I'd say one of you has to do something or you'll all be quite unhappy.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:17

OK, so much the better that you know texting is off the cards for the next day due to flight.

The last words he read from me were "I'm sorry. Let's make it better. You can see DD and I'll see you at the weekend. I need to grow up and act like an adult. That's a good parting message, right?"

If contact isn't actually that as hoc and is organised in advance but he just forgets about it, I think that is fixable really.

That sounds more like the deal tbh. I know his ex vaguely, and she's not an ad hoc person. She has anxiety too and wouldn't stand for it. I quite like her.

OP posts:

Manumission · 21/11/2016 23:18

Yes that's a conciliatory parting message before he switched to flight mode.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:21

Yes that's a conciliatory parting message before he switched to flight mode.

Ahhhh (huge sigh of relief). Do you think he'll take it that way? I do hope so. I'll sleep better tonight if he knows I love him and want him to be happy and that I'm sorry for any upset.

OP posts:

Manumission · 21/11/2016 23:24

He'll know from that that your intent is good and you want to sort it all out.

Which is pretty good for now, right?

sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 23:25

I think it might have been better without the last line because that does sound a bit passive aggressive again - I only say that because you seem genuinely confused about why he got annoyed with what you said. And if you tend to see things in black and white, maybe you don't see how some people would say 'I need to grow up and act like an adult's not because they really think it but because they are fishing for sympathy and trying to manipulate someone into backing down? But it's no big deal and I think that essentially you are right, you left it on a note of 'wanting to work on things'. It'll be what it'll be now. And I'd be surprised if he didn't want to work on things, he obviously really wanted to see you from those messages, and the previous ones showed he does consider and think about your feelings.

sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 23:26

You can sleep soundly I think.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:28

Thanks to everyone who has hand-holded me through this thread, even the harsh words; no, ESPECIALLY the harsh words.

My problem is that my BPD means I interpret any whiff or rejection as a threat of abandonment (it all springs from childhood trauma, if anyone's interested).

So when we make plans, I get excited and prepare, then when he changes the plans at the last minute I see it as an immense rejection of me. The message I absorb is:

"You are not important to me. Your time is not important. Your feelings are not important. I will always dictate our schedule and I reserve the right to amend it at any time because I have little respect for you."

This fills me with anger, upset and fear. I react emotionally because I am engulfed by visceral emotion.

OP posts:

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 21/11/2016 23:52

op I am sorry that my words were harsher than they should have been.
Like I said my oh has mh issues. I'm a support worker in a mh hospital and my close friend has bpd.

If I'm honest I'm more worried that this relationship isn't good for you. I admire you for admitting your dc are better off living elsewhere. That can't have been easy. I hope you are getting the help and care you need.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 22/11/2016 00:02

Thanks Ineed

It wasn't easy to accept my DC would be better with their dad. I felt like a failure. But I won't let pride and fear of social stigma stop me doing what was best for them.

OP posts:

OhFuckOff · 30/11/2016 14:31

I've just read the whole thread, how are you now Geordie ?

Wdigin2this · 01/12/2016 00:01

Haven't read the whole thread but, I'm certainly not going to say...you knew what you were getting into, because none of us do really. However, I know exactly how you feel, it happened to me in the very early days, and I felt let down and disappointed too.
The only thing I can suggest is, if you don't actually live together, tell him to see his DD on the day/night of his return, then see you for a romantic reunion the following night...it'll earn you brownie points too, because you're giving him the freedom to give his full attention to his DD!

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