Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

[GeordieBadgers]

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

[Wdigin2this]

Haven't read the whole thread but, I'm certainly not going to say...you knew what you were getting into, because none of us do really. However, I know exactly how you feel, it happened to me in the very early days, and I felt let down and disappointed too.
The only thing I can suggest is, if you don't actually live together, tell him to see his DD on the day/night of his return, then see you for a romantic reunion the following night...it'll earn you brownie points too, because you're giving him the freedom to give his full attention to his DD!

[OhFuckOff]

I've just read the whole thread, how are you now Geordie ?

[GeordieBadgers]

Thanks Ineed

It wasn't easy to accept my DC would be better with their dad. I felt like a failure. But I won't let pride and fear of social stigma stop me doing what was best for them.

[IneedAdinosaurNickname]

op I am sorry that my words were harsher than they should have been.
Like I said my oh has mh issues. I'm a support worker in a mh hospital and my close friend has bpd.

If I'm honest I'm more worried that this relationship isn't good for you. I admire you for admitting your dc are better off living elsewhere. That can't have been easy. I hope you are getting the help and care you need.

[GeordieBadgers]

Thanks to everyone who has hand-holded me through this thread, even the harsh words; no, ESPECIALLY the harsh words.

My problem is that my BPD means I interpret any whiff or rejection as a threat of abandonment (it all springs from childhood trauma, if anyone's interested).

So when we make plans, I get excited and prepare, then when he changes the plans at the last minute I see it as an immense rejection of me. The message I absorb is:

"You are not important to me. Your time is not important. Your feelings are not important. I will always dictate our schedule and I reserve the right to amend it at any time because I have little respect for you."

This fills me with anger, upset and fear. I react emotionally because I am engulfed by visceral emotion.

[sterlingcooper]

You can sleep soundly I think.

[sterlingcooper]

I think it might have been better without the last line because that does sound a bit passive aggressive again - I only say that because you seem genuinely confused about why he got annoyed with what you said. And if you tend to see things in black and white, maybe you don't see how some people would say 'I need to grow up and act like an adult's not because they really think it but because they are fishing for sympathy and trying to manipulate someone into backing down? But it's no big deal and I think that essentially you are right, you left it on a note of 'wanting to work on things'. It'll be what it'll be now. And I'd be surprised if he didn't want to work on things, he obviously really wanted to see you from those messages, and the previous ones showed he does consider and think about your feelings.

[Manumission]

He'll know from that that your intent is good and you want to sort it all out.

Which is pretty good for now, right?

[GeordieBadgers]

Yes that's a conciliatory parting message before he switched to flight mode.

Ahhhh (huge sigh of relief). Do you think he'll take it that way? I do hope so. I'll sleep better tonight if he knows I love him and want him to be happy and that I'm sorry for any upset.

[Manumission]

Yes that's a conciliatory parting message before he switched to flight mode.

[GeordieBadgers]

OK, so much the better that you know texting is off the cards for the next day due to flight.

The last words he read from me were "I'm sorry. Let's make it better. You can see DD and I'll see you at the weekend. I need to grow up and act like an adult. That's a good parting message, right?"

If contact isn't actually that as hoc and is organised in advance but he just forgets about it, I think that is fixable really.

That sounds more like the deal tbh. I know his ex vaguely, and she's not an ad hoc person. She has anxiety too and wouldn't stand for it. I quite like her.

[SarcasmMode]

I'm quite concerned for you OP- you don't sound like you are in a good places mentally right now.

Do they do DBT where you live? It's supposed to be good for BPD sufferers.

It must be an emotional roller coaster I do sympathise. But I also feel you need to take a deep breath and look at who is this good for.

Is this good for you? It doesn't sound like it.
Is it good for DP? Again I'd say not.
Is it good for his DD? Potentially not.

It seems he doesn't have the right headspace to deal with your condition which is fair enough, but it would be so much better for you to be with someone who understands it and knows how to deal with it (as best as you can , anyway).

It's shit feeling cold one minute and effector are the next a bit like being two different people.

Perhaps he wants to work at this? Perhaps you want to slowly learn to deal with adapting to change?

But I'd say one of you has to do something or you'll all be quite unhappy.

[GeordieBadgers]

Do they run DBT in your area OP? It's supposed to be a very good treatment option for BPD.

Yes, I'm on the waiting list for that too. I've heard great things about it.

If he's the one you should be able to stay strong together whilst dealing with life and all the peripheral shit that goes with it.

It's almost always him that changes plans at last minute, never me. It makes me feel taken for granted and unloved. He's chaotic and unorganised.

[sterlingcooper]

OK, so much the better that you know texting is off the cards for the next day due to flight.

I don't know much about BPD so this is probably futile advice, but just try to not stress about it too much. This would all have come to a head sooner or later because you both are who you are, and the situation is what it is.

So either you'll speak tomorrow, or at the weekend. Try not to fix in your head an idea of how that conversation will go. Be open minded and ready to discuss things honestly with him when you both get that opportunity. You've seen tonight how trying to get all your thoughts and arguments out in one big splurge to him and anticipating a certain reaction doesn't lead to a good result! Wait and see what he has to say for himself. If contact isn't actually that as hoc and is organised in advance but he just forgets about it, I think that is fixable really.

[Manumission]

SIL, who drops in and out of accepting/tackling her BPD, but is much better when she uses mindfulness techniques.

And a friend who has had both ASC and BPD dxs now but does quite well on a CBT, mindfulness, yoga and hiking regime she's devised for herself.

[GeordieBadgers]

The speed of your thoughts clattering away is coming across quite clearly.

It must be tiring.

I'm sobbing. Just to read someone who understands.

I'm glad I live alone so no one has to see the state I'm in.

You seem to really understand. Do you have people close to you with BPD? Are they like me?

[oleoleoleole]

Geordie, his daughter comes first and I'm glad to see she does. He's prioritising his child over you, she won't always need or want her daddy but whilst she does you need to graciously accept second place. In ten years time life won't be like this but he will have given her a most solid foundation with which to build upon. Don't deny them that.

Me and DH have been together 15 years, our first ten were much more complicated than your scenario. We had five children 2 mine, 3 his, my 2 and one of his lived with us. Times we hard, but we almost always put the kids needs before our own because we knew our day would come. It has, we are child free and it's been worth it.

If he's the one you should be able to stay strong together whilst dealing with life and all the peripheral shit that goes with it.

[tygr]

She has borderline personality disorder and is displaying relational behaviours pretty typical of that diagnosis. Getting cross with her doesn't help. It's also likely that she'd behave the same way in any relationship so I'm not prepared to judge her relationship on the basis of a few posts on the internet. (Haven't read other threads).

Do they run DBT in your area OP? It's supposed to be a very good treatment option for BPD.

[Chipscheesentomatosauce]

It wasn't even verbatim. You added "with me", making it about yourself and how'd he'd chosen DD over YOU. That was not the point of my post.

[GeordieBadgers]

You can't sort this out over text, you need a face to face discussion.

He's currently flying from one side of the world to the other, so the above snippet was the last conversation we were able to have :(

I am going to work a double 48 hour shift Wed and Thursday staying at work the whole time till Friday when I'll be exhausted. So a face-to-face discussion on Friday isn't looking to productive. Tuesday (tomorrow) was literally our only time together till weekend.

[Somerville]

OP you seem to have enough insight into your health to accept that right now you need an approach to parenting your own children that is very pre-planned and inflexible. But not quite enough insight to see that being in a relationship with someone with a very different approach to parenting his child could be bad for your health. Or maybe you do see that; just really, really like him.

Whichever it is, this relationship doesn't sound good for your health and ultimately that is bad for all the children involved.

You need to put your health ahead of your feelings here and be single for a while, I think.

[Manumission]

No but I know two people with BPD who use mindfulness and/or meditation. It helps them.

The speed of your thoughts clattering away is coming across quite clearly.

It must be tiring.

[sterlingcooper]

OK so he is unorganised and go-with-the-flow, which probably makes it hard for him to understand you who are the opposite, and vice versa.

I don't think you meant to be passive aggressive with the 'seeing DD is more important than having sex with me' line, but I think he interpreted like that. Because to him it probably sounds ridiculous to say that in such stark terms, even if it is the truth of the matter, which I think is why you said it.

You can't sort this out over text, you need a face to face discussion.

[GeordieBadgers]

OP do you ever use mindfulness or yoga or anything like that?

I'm on the waiting list for mindfullness actually. CPN put me on it. Do you work in the field?