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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

215 replies

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 12:25

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

OP posts:
YoScienceBitch · 21/11/2016 22:50

You seriously can't see what you've done wrong???

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:50

It sounds like you were emotionally blackmailing him. He wanted you to just go with the plan to see him and daughter. But you then played the martyr.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:51

I think you've just thought too much, talked too much, got yourself quite hyped up about it all and generally done his head in.

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:52

Exactly. Completely OTT

sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 22:53

Flowers OP, I think you're obviously doing the best you can, and have actually been pretty reasonable in the face of some harsh judgements here.

Glad you've sent the email, redrafting it was doing you no good, and the short one you sent is infinureky better than those longer versions before. But you need to have a proper discussion with your DP about this at some point, and both be very honest with yourselves about what you need from each other and whether it is realistic and fair to the children.

FWIW, I get that it's annoying to be told plans are changing and DSC are coming unexpectedly. But I do think it has to be accepted and dealt with sometimes. I'd be interested to know if your DP is just unorganised, like he had forgotten he had DD that day until he remembered at the last minute - this could easily be sorted out. Or if he and his ex and DD genuinely do all work best with ad hoc plans as something of a norm, which would lead me to think this may not be the right relationship for you.

One other thing I'd say is, let's say the contact went ahead and you three spent the evening together. If you can just fake it for a bit trying to feel pleased about having his DD, maybe playing a nice game together and try to bond as a unit of 3 - you might find after a while that you genuinely are having a nice time, and enjoying the bonus evening with his DD rather than just focusing on a the things you CANT do when she's there.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:53

You seriously can't see what you've done wrong???

No, sorry :( I just said what you guys advised that I say

OP posts:
sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 22:54

Oh dear, cross post...

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:55

He was probably confident that once the three of you were home together, it would all be cosy and enjoyable and you'd then forget about dinner and sex plans and enjoy the moment.

To him, you probably sound as though you're on a runaway train of rigid thoughts.

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:57

No, we advised you to either end the relationship or accept plans with the daughter.
You then didn't read where the conversation was going with him, and then emotionally blackmailed him by mentioning daughter being more important than dinner and sex with you. Can you not see the subtleties of what you were implying??

sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 22:58

Well I thought he was probably annoyed that you wouldn't see him WITH DD on Tuesday. But then I am confused re: the 'I can't have DD' bit...

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:58

I'd be interested to know if your DP is just unorganised, like he had forgotten he had DD that day until he remembered at the last minute

Yes, he's very unorganised. Even he will say this himself.

OP posts:
Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:58

OP do you ever use mindfulness or yoga or anything like that?

AyeAmarok · 21/11/2016 23:00

I just said what you guys advised that I say

No you didn't, you threw in a load of dramatic, manipulative, martyr bullshit about sex, dinner and being a dick.

This relationship is not good for either of you. Maybe it's time to stop flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:01

Well, he's unavailable now. Probably on the flight. So that's that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:02

No you didn't, you threw in a load of dramatic, manipulative, martyr bullshit about sex, dinner and being a dick.

I was just repeating what someone on this thread said. Verbatim.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:02

OP do you ever use mindfulness or yoga or anything like that?

I'm on the waiting list for mindfullness actually. CPN put me on it. Do you work in the field?

OP posts:
sterlingcooper · 21/11/2016 23:02

OK so he is unorganised and go-with-the-flow, which probably makes it hard for him to understand you who are the opposite, and vice versa.

I don't think you meant to be passive aggressive with the 'seeing DD is more important than having sex with me' line, but I think he interpreted like that. Because to him it probably sounds ridiculous to say that in such stark terms, even if it is the truth of the matter, which I think is why you said it.

You can't sort this out over text, you need a face to face discussion.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 23:04

No but I know two people with BPD who use mindfulness and/or meditation. It helps them.

The speed of your thoughts clattering away is coming across quite clearly.

It must be tiring.

Maybe83 · 21/11/2016 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 21/11/2016 23:06

OP you seem to have enough insight into your health to accept that right now you need an approach to parenting your own children that is very pre-planned and inflexible. But not quite enough insight to see that being in a relationship with someone with a very different approach to parenting his child could be bad for your health. Or maybe you do see that; just really, really like him.

Whichever it is, this relationship doesn't sound good for your health and ultimately that is bad for all the children involved.

You need to put your health ahead of your feelings here and be single for a while, I think. Flowers

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:06

You can't sort this out over text, you need a face to face discussion.

He's currently flying from one side of the world to the other, so the above snippet was the last conversation we were able to have :(

I am going to work a double 48 hour shift Wed and Thursday staying at work the whole time till Friday when I'll be exhausted. So a face-to-face discussion on Friday isn't looking to productive. Tuesday (tomorrow) was literally our only time together till weekend.

OP posts:
Chipscheesentomatosauce · 21/11/2016 23:06

It wasn't even verbatim. You added "with me", making it about yourself and how'd he'd chosen DD over YOU. That was not the point of my post.

tygr · 21/11/2016 23:06

She has borderline personality disorder and is displaying relational behaviours pretty typical of that diagnosis. Getting cross with her doesn't help. It's also likely that she'd behave the same way in any relationship so I'm not prepared to judge her relationship on the basis of a few posts on the internet. (Haven't read other threads).

Do they run DBT in your area OP? It's supposed to be a very good treatment option for BPD.

oleoleoleole · 21/11/2016 23:07

Geordie, his daughter comes first and I'm glad to see she does. He's prioritising his child over you, she won't always need or want her daddy but whilst she does you need to graciously accept second place. In ten years time life won't be like this but he will have given her a most solid foundation with which to build upon. Don't deny them that.

Me and DH have been together 15 years, our first ten were much more complicated than your scenario. We had five children 2 mine, 3 his, my 2 and one of his lived with us. Times we hard, but we almost always put the kids needs before our own because we knew our day would come. It has, we are child free and it's been worth it.

If he's the one you should be able to stay strong together whilst dealing with life and all the peripheral shit that goes with it.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 23:08

*The speed of your thoughts clattering away is coming across quite clearly.

It must be tiring.*

I'm sobbing. Just to read someone who understands.

I'm glad I live alone so no one has to see the state I'm in.

You seem to really understand. Do you have people close to you with BPD? Are they like me?

OP posts: