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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

215 replies

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 12:25

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

OP posts:

Report

AndNowItsSeven · 21/11/2016 22:13

You are trying to get pregnant but your priorities a sexual relationship before your own dc.?
And you can't understand why your dp priorities his dd over you.

AyeAmarok · 21/11/2016 22:13

THE LACK OF NOTICE is my problem NOT the fact he wants to see his DD. Why is no one getting this?????

Because it's not a big deal. At all. You had scheduled sex and dinner. It's not like you'd booked a holiday.

He got the chance to see his daughter that he hasn't seen for weeks. You can wait a few more hours/days as you're a flipping adult. Act like one.

CalleighDoodle · 21/11/2016 22:13

Why do you need to give his keys back?

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:13

You don't need to give him permission to see his own child. I think your being hard work

I really don't know what to do. The message I want to send is: See DD. I will see you on Friday.

Currently, he's sticking with the original plan but it's going to be crap, isn'tr it? No one is going to have a good time because it's not what he really wants and I don't want him to resent me for daring to want to spend time with him. I really wish he would just see his DD. I feel terribly let down and taken for granted DUE TO THE LACK OF NOTICE. I am entitled to feel how I feel.

OP posts:

Hayles88 · 21/11/2016 22:13

Because plans change when you have children. Even if you have autism or anxiety or any other sn/mental illness. I do my ex also does. We still have to change childcare plans last minute as it isn't about us its about our child! What is it about that thay you cant grasp. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU. You are an adult, she is a child. He rightfully wants to see his child over you. You are not as important as his child no matter how great a cook you are or what you can do in bed. She is his first choice. Deal with it.

I get 2 hours notice on contact changes sometimes. It happens. Its being a parent. Surely you get that with your kids? Ex being ill etc/ ex work changes/ your work changes/ you being ill

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:14

If that's the case, and he knows you have mh problems, then he's a dick

Oh, that's just the tip of the iceberg, but this thread is about praising him so let's not spoil the illusion that he's God's gift.

OP posts:

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:16

Your response is not normal. You need to be able to adapt. A healthy relationship would adapt. In a healthy relationship you should be able to have a nice evening with the three of you. He shouldn't have a crap time, and you shouldn't have a crap time. You would just have a change of plan. That is the normal response.

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:16

Why do you need to give his keys back?

Because I've had access to the house and car whilst he's away.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 21/11/2016 22:16

Youre certainly entitled op.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 21/11/2016 22:17

Hayles88
I get 2 hours notice on contact changes sometimes.

Me too. Sometimes less. My ex let me know he wasn't coming 2 hours after he was due to pick up once.

OP my oh has mh issues. He hates change. But I made it very very clear to him when we met that my children will always come first and sometimes our plans will have to change. He had the choice to accept that it or leave.
You have the same choice.

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 22:17

He can't refuse to be flexible with his dd, to whom he has a legal and moral responsibility, because of your mental health issues. They are your responsibility to manage and if they are impacting on the relationship between an unrelated 6 year old and her father then you need to step away.

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:17

You sound like a narcissist

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:17

He rightfully wants to see his child over you.

Totally get that. So why arrange to see me on Tue then??? Makes absolutely no sense.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 21/11/2016 22:18

Nobody has praised him. Theyve said he is doing the basic requirement of being a father; prioritising his child.

Hayles88 · 21/11/2016 22:18

ineed oh now thats annoying!

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 22:19

Maybe he thought you would be happy to spend time with him AND his daughter as they come as a package. Maybe he thought you would prefer that to waiting until Friday.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 21/11/2016 22:19

I cannot for the life of me see why you are in a relationship with this man. You sound so bitter.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:20

I think your BPD is key to this.

To your feelings and to why you think that email is a good idea.

Do you think it's a good idea for your MH to be in a relationship with someone who can't, by definition, put you first?

Hayles88 · 21/11/2016 22:20

Maybe his ex had plans with dd on tues so he made plans with you. Then she sorted it so she didnt and dd was free so he wants to see her.

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 22:21

Maybe his ex offered the contact after he had made plans.

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 22:21

flossietoot

Shall I rephrase the question:

Why arrange to have a date alone with me on Tuesday if he really wanted to see DD? All this drama could have been prevented if he arranged to see DD in the first place instead of pissing me around!

OP posts:

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:22

You sound like a narcissist

Back off. She's told us she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's really not appropriate to be throwing other MH descriptions around with insulting intent.

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Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:22

Op you know this relationship isn't going anywhere you have shaken you're responsibilities for your own DC you cannot expect him to do to the same. Many parents have MH they don't shake off their own parental responsibilities children are unpredictable changes may happen. I do think you need to stop chasing after this man and refocus you're attention on your DC they do need their mother playing an active role in their lives.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 22:23

Op have you thought his ex asked you're dp if he would like her sooner so has taken full advantage given that he's missed her doesn't make it a slight on you.

Manumission · 21/11/2016 22:23

Because stuff changes Geordie

Because they obviously have a relaxed, ad-hoc arrangement.

Because your MH needs are not their priority.

It's just the way it is.

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