Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

[GeordieBadgers]

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

[CocoaX]

The conversation on Whatsapp was weird, though - because you had accepted it, and then he pushed you for a reaction. Then messed about a bit. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he is messing with your head.

[GeordieBadgers]

Your DP is not responsible for managing your emotions, you are.

I thought I'd made that clear in my email?

But rather than pull back with no explanation I explain that I am struggling and it is my problem. OH isn't stupid. He knows when something's up.

[Lunar1]

You've got quite a good combination of manipulation and passive aggressive crap going on there! Send the email, hopefully he will take you at your word and find someone else.

You can't manipulate him into being your family in the only way acceptable to you.

[Chipscheesentomatosauce]

He's gone away, missed his DD and would rather see her than have dinner and sex. Good for him. I'm only surprised he didn't plan on spending his first night home with her to begin with.

[GeordieBadgers]

stitchglitched

headdesk Please read what I wrote. It's not him seeing his DD that is the problem, it is the lack of notice/lack of transparency which translates into lack of respect for me and my time.

[CocoaX]

What I mean is that he does not need to know your emotional management issues AT ALL - they are yours, they don't belong in the email. Why tell him??

[GeordieBadgers]

because you had accepted it, and then he pushed you for a reaction

Thank you!!

I tried to reply as best as I could using a scripted 'logical, nice' response.

[GeordieBadgers]

He's gone away, missed his DD and would rather see her than have dinner and sex. Good for him.

Ouch. That is true to the bone. Hurtful, cutting, but true. And THAT is perfect for the email.

[stitchglitched]

But you wanted him to forego seeing his dd because the lack of notice triggers your anxiety. You refer to him wanting to see his child after being away as ad hoc and erratic. Him seeing his daughter in a way that suits their relationship is a problem to you. That is very clear from your email.

[Hayles88]

Oh for gods sake grow up! Yes most women would be ok with that, especially mothers, they may have a 2 minute ffs moment but instantly realise how they would feel. I have DS half the week, his father the other half but its give and take. Work changes things, life changes things but we give and take to make sure DS is happy and secure. I'd expect any partner of ours to go with that or go.

[flossietoot]

Geordie- I am foster carer so NEITHER of our own birth kids.
Look, I don't think this relationship is for you. Your email is not a proportional, rational response for a long term relationship. You either accept that he has a child and his priority will be her, and in fact, could even potentially have sole custody, or you find somebody else. She is six, she needs her daddy, she needs the security of knowing that her daddy will always have her back and won't be dictated to by a new woman. I previously worked with lone parents- believe me, the fact he is doing what he is doing is very refreshing- 60% of non resident fathers have no contact at all!!

[SVJAA]

OP, I think that you'd be better with a partner who doesn't have children. Being a step-parent isn't easy (I have the emotional scars to prove it) but you do have to understand that the kids come first, often at short notice, as they do in a family who all live together. Yeah sometimes it's a PITA when plans get changed, but that happens with bio kids and step kids and is just a fact of life.
Your relationship isn't working for you, it's not fair on you or him to continue. Leave the email, just make a clean break and move on.

[GeordieBadgers]

Newest draft:

I think you should arrange to have [DD] when you arrive back in UK. There is little point trying to spend time with me whilst worrying about her. You would not enjoy our time together and consequently, neither would I. This isn't me throwing a tantrum, this is me accepting the right solution for you. You will have missed [DD], and she you. We had originally planned that I cook you dinner and we have sex but you have since changed your mind, regretted this decision and decided you would rather see DD than do those things with me. It hurts but it's the way things are in this relationship. I accept my place as disposable filler for when [DD] is not around.

As you go on work trips you need to rightlyfully makeup that time with [DD] when you return. She's just a kid and your responsibility lies with her. If I am to stay with you, then this is something I need to get used to. I need to accept this lifestyle or leave. Personally, I find this lifestyle quite erratic, but maybe that is a failing on my part. I don't cope well with last minute changes to plans, probably due to my anxiety.

When we met you said you were looking for a "new wife". This was the foundations of our relationship and the foundations for my subsequent expectations. However, as the months have passed it has become clear that the combination of work travel and childcare commitments mean your life has little time/space for a "new wife". I think a casual girlfriend would suit you better. You need someone flexible, detatched, and forgiving. I don't fit this mold. I'm intense, needy and seek a high level of intimacy. My anxiety issues mean that routine is central to my stability. You and [ex] seem to have an ad-hoc approach to childcare and if that works for you both, that is wonderful; But as the third wheel in this dynamic, it is not working for me. The last minute changes to plans are what unsettle me the most. They trigger my anxiety and make feel threatened and insecure. I recognise this is my problem, and I recognise your first family comes first, always.

I will put your keys in [location] and perhaps see you on Friday after work? 4 more days won't make too much difference on top of the 10 we have already spent apart. It is better for everyone if I get used to this lifestyle sooner rather than later. If I can not hack it, then I am not the right woman for you.

[stitchglitched]

'I never fuck him around where my kids are concerned.'

Because, with respect, your kids aren't your priority. Your relationship is. He has it the other way around (the right way in my opinion.)

[ClassmateHB]

So if your ex rang you and said he needed you to have your children overnight the next day, you'd say no, because you wanted dinner and sex?

Stuff happens with kids. Things change. God knows how many times over the years unexpected things happen and contact cab change with 48/24 even 2 hours notice.

You'd planned dinner and sex. Indoors. Nothing that isn't moveable by a day, so his child, a minor, his responsibility, sees him.

Don't email him any of that passive aggressive martyr drivel. Grow up tbh, and find someone without kids. You'll never be happy coming second!

[Underthemoonlight]

Stop with the email it's passive aggressive

[Hayles88]

We had originally planned that I cook you dinner and we have sex but you have since changed your mind, regretted this decision and decided you would rather see DD than do those things with me. It hurts but it's the way things are in this relationship. I accept my place as disposable filler for when [DD] is not around.


Are you on crack?!

[Underthemoonlight]

Have you got the same attitude about his DD with your own DC op?

[SVJAA]

That email is really nasty.

[stitchglitched]

That email is ridiculous and completely disproportionate to the (non) issue.

[GeordieBadgers]

I get a feeling that you guys would prefer the email read, simply:

"I think you should arrange to have [DD] when you arrive back in UK. I will put your keys in [location] and perhaps see you on Friday after work?"

But you guys don't know OH. He will not accept this and think it's bizarre. Shall I try it?

[GeordieBadgers]

Hayles88 I think the MN phrase is "are you on glue"?

[stitchglitched]

Yes, what would happen if your ex needed you to have your kids and you already had plans with him?

[Lunar1]

You have a really spiteful edge to you op.

[YoScienceBitch]

IF you absolutely HAVE to email, just say "have fun with DD, see you Friday."
But maybe you should really consider finding a new boyfriend. For his daughters sake.