Total rejection of our baby :(

[Leah98]

My DH and I married couple of years ago. My two step children were bridesmaids (now 15 & 16). I've then had a baby girl who's 1 year old. When the oldest sd was introduced to our daughter and she spun her head round hitting our baby a whack with her long hair. She subsequently sent emails telling us to never contact her again. The other sd visited a couple of times but then completely ignored us. We've not seen/heard from either for approx a year. We were close before. The ex was a nightmare as well. Had to get solicitor letter for her harassment.
It all makes me very angry. My dd now has step sisters who are unpleasant to say the least to her. What do I tell her in a few years??

How did you treat your SDs after the baby was born?

I have no advice but I'm currently in a very similar situation . I have a step daughter (9) and me and DP have two children together (2 & 6 months) . Step DD wants nothing to do with them at all - to the extent that she now will not see her dad at the weekend . She will only see him on his own for 1 hour at mil house.

I don't know what to do .

It sounds like your step daughters feel pushed out. Were they included in your pregnancy and when their step sister was born? Have they still be able to spend the same one on one time with you and been reassured that their dad and you still love them the same? What have you spent the last year doing to assist things?

I hope it hasn't been left too long to repair the relationship for everyone's sake.

How long were you with your dh before you got married / had your dd? This may be a lot to do with it. If you were close with your step daughters before it may be that everything moved too fast for them and they didn't expect their dad to have another child so quickly perhaps. I would keep offering olive branches and make sure your dh offers to see them on his own to keep the relationship going. In time they may (or may not) come round.

Oldest sd I've only seen once since baby arrived. She then disowned us. The other sd visited us and had great fun with baby. Now has no contact either. Think their mum was totally jealous of the situation.
Also my dh spent years putting up with unpleasant behaviour from his ex.

We can't assume what the SD may or may not be feeling.

For your DD, you keep photos of them up and tell her these are her sisters but they're very busy and they don't see younall right now. And hopefully you'll all be able to meet up again in the future. That's all you need to say. Keep it light and open.

What is your DH doing to try to maintain contact with his DDs?

The behaviour your DH and his ex experienced is irrelevant. What is important is continuing to persevere with the stepchildren so they realise they are loved and wanted and that a new baby in the family doesn't have any negative bearing on them or their family relationship in any way.

Also we got married/had baby all within a couple of years. And moved house over an hour away from step daughters.

That is an awful lot of upheaval in a very short space of time for two children who were possibly still dealing with the breakdown of their parents' relationship. What is your husband doing to reassure them? He is their father and should be looking out for them, not giving up on them.

There was a lot of bitterness from their mother, especially when we married, then when baby arrived. She complained dh spent too much time with our daughter when she was 2 days old!!!

My dh split with ex 14 years ago. It's not a recent change. They have changed their mobile numbers. Communication with ex is like world war 3.

I appreciate that this must be difficult for you and your DH, but I think that you are being a little unreasonable in your expectations of your SDs. Think about it from their point of view. They are young, they are teenagers and their parents have split up and their father remarried. That is a tough thing to cope with. Then he goes and has another child.

I realise that you won't want to hear this, but they don't have to like this situation and it's obvious that they don't and are staying away as their way of dealing with a painful situation. A wise person once explained this to me in the following way: Your husband goes out and brings home a second wife and introduces her into your household by saying 'Here you are darling - a friend for you.' That's what it is like for stepchildren.

These children have had no say at all in any of this and you need to accept that it will take time for them to come to terms with it.

The ex really is irrelevant.

Could their mother have complained to your DH when your DD was two days old because her daughters were upset and she could see that?

You really don't sound as if you are looking at this from the children's point of view at all.

The ex isn't irrelevant if she's encouraging her children to ignore their half sibling and father

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I guess I thought we'd be one big happy family. The reason I mention the ex is because she's very controlling over people. I realise our relationship with sd has nothing to do with her per se. But I feel her negative behaviour has influenced my sd behaviour.

There are a lot of bitter ex wives on mumsnet who like to put the boot into second wives.

It sounds to me as though the ex has put the knife in if younger DSD was happy at first. If she is still angry after 14 years then she has major issues and is best ignored. Keep holding out a hand and when the DEDs see their mother for what she is they may want to see you.

*DSDs

You might be right about their mother influencing them. Or it could be they resent their father moving away from them.

It could be a multitude of reasons but without hearing it from them you won't know so I would leave out speculation to be honest.

Could your husband try and speak with the one who's more recently stopped contact 1 on 1 and see if he can get to the bottom of it?

Thank you unexpected baggage. We hope this happens.

Thank you rubix. That sounds like a good idea if we can sort it.

What I meant was that you are clearly pissed off with the ex; don't let that affect your treatment or perception of the SDs.
This is not a happy experience for the SDs, however happy you might be yourself.

Your baby isn't their step-sister if they all have the same dad. She is their half-sister. They are teenagers, and (for whatever reason) they aren't keen on dad's new family, which is sad, but may change over time. Especially sad for your DH that he's missing out on time with his other children. All you can do I think is ride this out and concentrate on your dd. Perhaps things will change when they are a bit older. Are there any ways DH can keep letting them know the door is open for them to come back when they are ready?

Do remember that whilst you are worrying about what to tell your daughter in a few years' time regarding her sisters not being interested, there is another mother out there who might well have had to pick up the pieces because her two daughters felt their father wasn't interested and had ditched them because he had a new child.

You haven't answered but what has your DH been doing in the last year regarding his elder two daughters? Whilst I fully understand your daughter and her feelings are your primary concern, your husband has three daughters and all three should be his equal priority.