Total rejection of our baby :(

[Leah98]

My DH and I married couple of years ago. My two step children were bridesmaids (now 15 & 16). I've then had a baby girl who's 1 year old. When the oldest sd was introduced to our daughter and she spun her head round hitting our baby a whack with her long hair. She subsequently sent emails telling us to never contact her again. The other sd visited a couple of times but then completely ignored us. We've not seen/heard from either for approx a year. We were close before. The ex was a nightmare as well. Had to get solicitor letter for her harassment.
It all makes me very angry. My dd now has step sisters who are unpleasant to say the least to her. What do I tell her in a few years??

Has your DH tried to maintain contact with the girls? Sending letters or emails or anything? Does he continue to pay CM for them?

It's very difficult for you, I'm sure, but I do think it's very important that your DH doesn't give up on his daughters. If it's been a year without any contact then the youngest was only 14 when contact stopped and they were both probably riddled with hormones!

It's not your fault but you'll just have to accept there is a lot of bad feeling and jealousy and resentment. There isn't a lot you can do at present except hope they will come round in the future if that's what you want. Teenagers of this age can be very difficult and look for something or someone to blame for all their ills. There isn't always any logical reason. IMHO.

Presumably your husband left the girls when they were young?

But now has another young family?

Although they hopefully realise that whatever happened wasn't their fault, it must hurt that he wasn't part of a family with them but has gone on to have another family.

OP how did you react re the hair incident? Were you very angry and protective? If so I suspect that might be why the older dd subsequently cut contact. Especially if the ex's beef is that your dh wasn't interested in his older daughters, so may have told her girls that their dad obviously loves the new baby more than them.

At 15 and 16 it will mostly be the girls decision as to what sort of relationship they have with their father and therefore with their step sister. It's an age of strong feelings though so you may have to wait quite a while (months/years) before any olive branches you extend are effective.

It's crap being a step child.
You feel they have totally rejected your baby but they probably feel their father has totally rejected them. They are children and they hurt. They may feel their dad didn't love them enough to stay. That eats you up for life. As if they are going to leap for joy that dad has a new baby with someone he loves more than their mother. Does he love the new baby more than he loves them?

Their father left them when they were 1 and 2 years old, and now he has a new baby that he presumably can cope with and a family that he does want. I can understand that this may be problematic for them and they may feel hurt and second best to your shiny new baby (in their view). Children rationalise a parent leaving in all sorts of ways, and this situation may be challenging how they've understood his reasons/the situation.

My step-brother took it really hard at 18 when his father had a son with his new wife. He felt as though he was being replaced and pushed out. However, years on the half-brothers are close and very fond of each other, so things can definitely change.

Like PPs have said, keep things light for now. Honestly, your DH should be making the effort with the girls to reassure them that they are wanted and important to him, regardless of whatever's going around around them.

I think you're wrong to think that your sd are being unpleasant to your baby. If they are angry, it's probably at their father rather than the baby. It's easy to forget about a baby that you've never seen/seen once (enough deadbeat dads manage this swimmingly)and if it's easier on you then you should adjust your thinking to sd are angry at us (the adults) rather than the baby.
I have a 15 year old and they are very self-centred. He often digs himself into a hole without any idea of how to get out. If I was pregnant hed probably find it a bit gross as it means I've had sex and teens want to pretend that their parents don't.
You haven't commented on how your h behaved pre/post baby. Do you think that the girls have reason to be resentful of the fact that your h left them but is there for your dd 24/7. Has he cancelled contact? Has one of them given up a bedroom? Has he not replied to messages? Forgotten events or turned down requests for money because of the baby? To someone who doesn't know what babies are like, being too tired to drive/go out etc is laziness.
How did you react to the hair incident?

It's such a minefield it. It sounds like things have been really rushed for the girls, you getting together ,moving away (which tbh I don't think sent the best message) marriage and a baby. My ex struggled with the fact his father walked away from his mother and him as a baby and had another family with another woman. It really hit him in his teenage years when I think he saw his friends relationships with their dads those years are the most informative and important as they tend to shape you into the adult you are going to be.Sadly he walked out on me and DS for another woman but atleast he didn't start another family in a short space of time, I think he regrets it now.

I can understand they feel short changed, they didn't get the family unit of both parents in the household and that they don't have any memories with both parents as they were 1 and 2 years old. The babys gets to have both parents in the same house doing the family fun days and building memories , they are mourning something they lost out on and never got to experience whatever the circumstances. They are still entitled to feel this way, the baby was likely the trigger to this. Instead their childhood was spent splitting days and going from house to house.

I often feel guilty for DS his parents split up as I came from a two parent family but he's lives with us and spents time with his siblings who he grows up with.

Do the girls know why their parents split up? (Hope it's not because of the stress of parenthood)

I guess I thought we'd be one big happy family. That is very big ask I'm afraid even in the best of situations and a couple of years is a very quick turnaround. Not meaning this in a nasty way, I'm just trying to see it from the girls' point of view.

In their heads, their 'happy family' was with them and their parents. Again, I'm not being horrible, just trying to offer a bit of perspective..

He remarried, had another baby and moved away in a really short space of time, yet it's probably all the ex's fault they aren't interested!

I'll get a dad of the year award ready ASAP.

It's entirely possible that they didn't expect their dad to have another child (especially 14 yrs later) and that the reality of that is a shock, which, combined with him then moving away from them (whether it's cause and effect or correlation doesn't really matter- to them it's "have baby= move away", has resulted in a lot of negative feelings.

It sounds very unfair to you as I can't see from your post that you have done anything wrong but all the same it seems likely that your step daughters are reacting out of a sense of hurt. It's hard to know whether their mother stirred up trouble or not - and if she did to what extent she was to blame. In some ways it doesn't matter as there is little you can do about it.

Best thing to do now might be to get on with life and enjoy your young family - you have every right to do that. It's really for your partner to take the lead with your step daughters I think, but to do the right thing I think you should also leave the door open for either of both or them to come around. Teenagers can grow up and change their minds and the potential for a good relationship with them in the future should be the ultimate goal.

As others have said they all share one dad and he has the pivotal role in bringing the girls together. Sorry to say but that may or may not involve you. He may find it easier if his ex and you are not involved.

As much as you don't like his ex, his older DDs clearly do as they haven't been keen to get away from her.

I know that you wanted one big happy family but the older girls haven't been drawn into this so far so it's unlikely to happen now. In time the girls may make their own direct contact without involving parents. We're adults far longer than we're children and social media can bring siblings together.

When the oldest sd was introduced to our daughter and she spun her head round hitting our baby a whack with her long hair. She subsequently sent emails telling us to never contact her again
Is this when it all went pear shape? Did she accidentally turn her head and the hair got in your baby's face and you went beserk at her? You don't hit/whack someone with hair! It's not a nice feeling, but not the end of the world. If you lost it then and accused her of who knows what, I can see how at that age, she would have taken great offense to it and decided she wanted nothing to do with you, and then her dad if he defended you. Sometimes an over reaction can have lasting effect when it comes to teenagers.

As for the youngest, well maybe she sided by her sister, or maybe she is starting to have a social life with her friends and rather be with them then her dad and you with life centered around a baby.

In the end, what it will mean to your child is not so much significant as to what it will mean to these girls and your OH.