Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

SMs - Would this seem weird to you?

31 replies

GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 13/11/2015 17:47

Not a StepP but a RP so hope you don't mind me crashing but would appreciate your advice. DD1 is 11 and starting very obviously to develop. As great as ExP is with them he still sees her as 5 Grin - Would it be totally weird to ask to chat with SM for 5 mins to ask her to be on hand for when the inevitable happens if it should be when she's there? I don't interfere with their times with kids, DD knows it going to come at some point but would rather die to say anything to her DF, would like to reassure her it's okay to go her and they'll have something in.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
MrsJamesFraser · 13/11/2015 17:55

I'm a SM and absolutely would not mind having this chat with DSD's mum. Any involved SM will likely already have the issue on her radar and be wondering how to approach without upsetting anyone or stepping on any toes so will prob be relieved you've raised it with her.

Hassled · 13/11/2015 17:59

I'm not a SM either but I think this is a sensible and nice thing to do. Your DD will be covered should the need arise and the SM will know that you trust her enough to ask, which can only be good. If you can work together through the prepubescent/teenage years it will help.

Original poster
GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 13/11/2015 18:02

Thanks Mrs - she's lovely so want both her and DD to know it's OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 13/11/2015 18:08

Thanks Hassled

OP posts:
WhoGivesAFlying · 13/11/2015 18:46

Another SM here....I wouldn't mind at all although I do think you need to talk to your ex just so he is aware. I don't think my DH would like his ex bypassing him...but it may be different for your ex.

ProfGrammaticus · 13/11/2015 18:49

You could even give her some supplies, the same type you have bought for home?

BlueBlueSea · 13/11/2015 19:05

I would not do this with my situation, but all are different. It is lovely that you can have that conversation.

I spoke to my ex and warned him that it was due to happen and that I would make sure she has supplies. When she did start I phoned him and said that she had a supply with her and could he give her a drawer in her room to keep them in. He calls me when he is in the supermarket asking what to buy.

Original poster
GracefulSwanPaddlingLegs · 13/11/2015 19:20

Oh good God no, ex knows it is coming, not bypassing him at all as asked permission to discuss with his partner, but she is still his little girl & he has no experience of this. If she starts at home then all good, my first period was at a weekend at a friends house.

OP posts:
Twickerhun · 13/11/2015 19:24

As a step mum Id welcome this chat. Far easier to have a United front on issues like this and also to know how 'mum' wants to handle it. If you are DSDs mum please arrange this :)

WhoGivesAFlying · 13/11/2015 19:28

When I was at my dads I used his toilet roll, he must have wondered where it all went. He didn't live with his patent at the time and if he did it would have been nice to have that. I think it's great you can do this with her SM..... I sure she's got an idea but always good to discuss (if you can) so everyone knows what's ok to do. Hope it goes well OP, you sound lovely

Neverenuff · 13/11/2015 19:32

I'd speak to dad and ask him to have stuff available for her. He could let you know so you can tell her it's available. Also if he has a gf or partner maybe ask him to have a word with her. These things are better coming from a woman IMO.

My dp knew it was going to happen but did nothing whereas I knew and made sure we had stuff here for her. I didn't make an issue I just said there is stuff if the bathroom of you need it. Let me know when you run out.

That's actually one thing I think we have got right lately. Xx

WhoGivesAFlying · 13/11/2015 19:33

*partner

Neverenuff · 13/11/2015 19:33

Sorry didn't read she had a SM. Maybe say to dp to say to her of its weird you speaking to SM. X

HemanOrSheRa · 13/11/2015 19:44

I'm with MrsJames. I'm SM to two DSD's who are now in their 20's. I kind of had the conversation with DM with the eldest. I could see DSD was maturing, getting moody etc. I had a phone call one Saturday from DSD screaming and crying saying she hated her Mum. I spoke to Mum and she told me DSD had just started her periods. My other DSD told me herself.

DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink · 13/11/2015 19:51

I am an SM and had a distraught DSD worried she would start in the night- I would MUCH rather her Mum had given me the heads up so we could have ensured the same approach!

ProbablyMe · 13/11/2015 19:59

I'm a SM and I would be fine with it. In fact I've already thought about it (DSD is 11) and talked to her dad about it who definitely hadn't thought about it and went a bit pale!!

purpledasies · 13/11/2015 21:13

As a step Mum I'd be happy to have that conversation with my DSD's mum.

My own DD started her first period whilst camping with her dad and managed all weekend with tissues :( I asked her why she hadn't told her dad and she said "well he wouldn't have been able to help would he?", like it was a stupid question. It hadn't crossed her mind that her dad would have been able to but sanitary towels in a shop. It would be lovely if she had a close enough relationship with her DSM that she could have approached her.

With my own DSD I just keep a supply of various sizes sanitary towels in the cupboard where we keep shampoo, etc and they can help themselves, but they're older now so passed the age of first starting.

Neverenuff · 13/11/2015 21:27

Before I bought dsd towels she had told her mum that I would sort it out and she would use my stuff!!! I don't use towels and no way would an 11 yr old be using tampons.

I bought towels put them in the cupboard and they disappeared to her room. Too bad if I was ever caught short!! They have also disappeared to her mums. As I know she didn't use them all. So now there is none here and she hasn't told anyone so when she needs them I dunno what she's gonna do.

I was recent asked to not get involved so dsd will need to speak to her dad.

StormyBlue · 13/11/2015 22:07

If DSS was a DSD I would be honoured if his mum felt comfortable with this. We have a good relationship and it sounds like you do too, so go for it.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 13/11/2015 22:18

I think I would be very happy for dsd's mum to have that conversation with me - almost flattered that she trusted me to deal with such things. Dsd's mum wouldn't though!

Wdigin2this · 14/11/2015 13:45

I think it's brilliant that you can have that conversation with your DSD's mum! I'm a SM but this scenario didn't apply as all our DC were late teens when we got together.
Tbh I can't imagine why any mother would not want to be on board with their child's SM at this crucial time in their DD's life...surely it should be all about making this part of her life easier?!

swingofthings · 14/11/2015 14:01

If you feel comfortable with it and so is she. Saying that, you might be surprised with your ex. I could have written exactly the same thing, but as it happened, DD did start her period on the rare days she was with her dad, and to my surprised, he texted me to inform me, and said everything was fine. I had made sure she always had the right thing with her and she knew what to expect. I didn't say anything when I picked her up as didn't want her to know her dad felt he had to tell me, but she told me as soon as she got out of the car. It was no big deal at all in the end.

OSETmum · 15/11/2015 20:41

I'd definitely have the conversation. I'm not sure why anyone would think it was weird at all, it's great that you all have a good relationship.

ClaudoftheRings · 16/11/2015 08:50

I think it's a great idea, OP. Nice that everyone can work together for the DSC in some families.

My DH warned his ex that DSS (10) was getting hormonal about six months ago and she was horrified at the suggestion, said he was wrong and that it was ridiculously early. Sure enough, he's now slamming doors at her house and not speaking to her for hours on end so I think reality is biting Wink

3phase · 16/11/2015 09:30

I'm dreading this happening but no, as a SM I certainly wouldn't mind you calling, actually I'd be relieved. I'd also be very willing to drive DSD back to her Mums in such a situation. I don't feel like I have enough of a relationship with my DSD (despite her being here 50:50 since she was very young) to deal with it and DH would be utterly useless! I think this is one of those situations when all parties need to accept Mum is more qualified than Dad to deal!

Swipe left for the next trending thread