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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

who should do it?

36 replies

operaha · 26/08/2015 09:01

14 y/o needs appointments every 6 weeks 10 miles from home. Are during school day as early or late as poss but have to be.

Mum is RP and works a few hours (evening) a week through choice, no younger children etc. low earnings, but no mortgage. doesn't drive but there is easy public transport and she has most days completely free.

NRP is dad, self employed. Drives and earns a lot more, has to work every hour he can to pay mortgage etc. To attend appointments loses him around Â£50 each time.

Who should do the appointments? would splitting them be fair?

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ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 09:08

Why doesn't dad give mum the fare and she can take him?

NorthernSole · 26/08/2015 10:05

What are the appointments for? It's possibly important that the child feels supported so maybe they should go together? Plus logistically how easy is it for the child to get from and back to school - driving might minimise the time out of school. I suppose I think on the face of it that it boils down to what's best for the child, rather than what's fair.

SoupDragon · 26/08/2015 10:13

As the RP, I do all of the DCS appointments as I am a SAHM and therefore available. Going by the info in your OP, I think the mother should be doing them as she is free in the day.

lunar1 · 26/08/2015 10:15

Depends what it's for, maybe they should go together. Does she have tests while she is there? Going by car for your dsd would make it quicker and less intrusive on her life, and might mean she misses less school.

StanSmithsChin · 26/08/2015 10:24

I would think going together or splitting them is fair. Just because mum is at home hasn't nothing to do with it. Dad is still a parent and should be there for his child.

StanSmithsChin · 26/08/2015 10:25

Is not hasn't

OllyBJolly · 26/08/2015 10:26

I think it should be shared. Driving might be so much easier and it might be nice for dad to be involved in that way. Mum doesn't have to take time off work but might be a complete faff having to get to the school, get to public transport station/stop and then return.

iamanintrovert · 26/08/2015 10:30

Going together is a dumb idea. They are separated/divorced. There is no point dad going if mum is, seeing as he will lose work time. It makes sense for mum to do it.

NorthernSole · 26/08/2015 10:34

oh ok, in your map of the world maybe!

lunar1 · 26/08/2015 10:36

Why is it a dumb idea? A child with a long term medical condition needs all the support they can get. Is it really so hard for two parents to support her together? It would help with continuity of care at the very least.

StanSmithsChin · 26/08/2015 10:47

It's not a dumb idea. They are parents and regardless of them ending their relationship they are still mum and dad so have a duty to parent the child they had together. Maybe if more split parents took this view life for everyone would be a little easier. It is about supporting the child not £50.

SoupDragon · 26/08/2015 11:14

It is about supporting the child not £50.

Easy to say if you have £50 to spare and can afford to lose work.

...has to work every hour he can to pay mortgage etc. To attend appointments loses him around £50 each time.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/08/2015 11:28

If the mum worked then it should be split, as she doesn't and is a sahm part of her job is to do appointments imo.

I wouldn't expect dc df to come with me as my work is flexible and his is not.

Operations are different.

Ilikemangoes123 · 26/08/2015 12:35

I think RP should do them, it is only every 6 weeks. It is what being a RP is in my book. I do all the appointments for my son and I don't have a car, and do work, but for me it is just what being the main carer is all about.

However, if my ex offered to take him to some appointments I would feel very grateful - so perhaps offering to do one out of 3? As an act of cooperation and working together?

EcclefechanTart · 26/08/2015 12:43

I would suggest splitting them. I assume you are the dad? I'm not sure what the mother working in the evenings 'through choice' means.

Original poster

operaha · 26/08/2015 13:06

I meant she could work full time but chooses not to.
I think shared too, I am the dad's gf and the problem is is that left to the mum, she always, without fail cancels the appointment. it is dental, nothing that requires both!
So he has no choice but to do it, just feels a bit rough that he loses so much money when the mum could do it. She can drive btw, and can well afford a car, but her choice not to have one.
Thanks for opinions, seem to be on same page but then as a single working full time parent, ALL kids appointments in the 9 years I've been divorced have been down to me,My ex h would never ever take time off to do it, so if I didn't, they wouldn't get done so I just feel a bit about it.
it's nice for child that he does it, suppose that's most important.

OP posts:

Original poster

operaha · 26/08/2015 13:08

actually I think best idea is the one where he pays the bus fare but unfortunately that means not only would his child not get to the appointments but he'd be down the bus fare too.
There's no solution than for him to do it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 13:40

Is it an appointment for a brace?

The boy's mother should clearly do it if she is free at the time; it's not in her interest for her ex husband to lose money as that could potentially affect her.

However, if she's insistent she won't do it, then I think your husband should pay for a taxi for his son to go to and from the appointment. It's important for children to get their teeth sorted.

What the hell is up with the mum, though, that she won't do it? Who does she think should do it?

Original poster

operaha · 26/08/2015 13:45

well there's a lot of back story but I don't want to sound biased. dad has always done all these things since kid was born. so you could say this is his own fault etc
she thinks the parent with transport should do it but even when she had a car she didn't do it.
I just stay out of it and quietly wonder if my ex should have done more etc!

OP posts:

Ilikemangoes123 · 26/08/2015 14:31

Same in my experience OP. If one parent did more than the other during the marriage, it carries on after the marriage. My OH goes to ALL kids parents evenings at school, dentists, extra activities - mum doesn't go to any even though she has a car, is RP, has no mortgage/has maintenance and is free. The shame of it is I think the kids get a notion that 'Dad' sorts everything, grown up step kids still ask him to fill out their forms etc but do things for their mum.

Original poster

operaha · 26/08/2015 14:36

wow same dp.
yeah she doesn't go to parents evenings, none, ever. and homework is only done at dad's house, wouldn't occur to dsc to do it at mums - there are educational needs involved so additional support educationally is vital but she doesn't "believe" in education!!

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ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 14:57

She sounds awful. How can she not believe in education! And she begrudges taking her son to the dentist. God, he deserves a better mother than that.

lunar1 · 26/08/2015 15:08

The mum sounds bloody useless. Yes your ex should have done more, just be glad you now have a partner who is a decent man.

Do you live together? You are going to have to completely detach from his ex, all her behaviour and not judge her by your standards.

I'm completely in your camp and couldn't comprehend not putting the needs of my children first. But this is who your partner chose to have a child with, her decisions no matter how you don't agree with them will affect your partners life for years to come. And therefor will affect you. I would ask yourself if you can detach from that because if you can't it's not going to be much fun for you. She's not going to change now and luckily for the child she has a dad who is supportive.

Ilikemangoes123 · 26/08/2015 15:13

OP very similar! Tho this is also my OHs fault for doing it all. My OH likes feeling that he can look after everyone, but it has been a bad role model because the older kids now expect a lot to be done for them, and have little appreciation for their Dad.

Your DSCs mum sounds spoilt and selfish. If your OH put his foot down he could do his kid a favour by getting the Mum to be more of a parent.

AbeSaidYes · 26/08/2015 15:32

I think the father should probably WANT to be attending at least some of the appointments with his child and would at least WANT to be there as a reassuring parent.

50/50 would be a good compromise, perhaps they could even attend some appointments together.

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