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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

who should do it?

36 replies

operaha · 26/08/2015 09:01

14 y/o needs appointments every 6 weeks 10 miles from home. Are during school day as early or late as poss but have to be.

Mum is RP and works a few hours (evening) a week through choice, no younger children etc. low earnings, but no mortgage. doesn't drive but there is easy public transport and she has most days completely free.

NRP is dad, self employed. Drives and earns a lot more, has to work every hour he can to pay mortgage etc. To attend appointments loses him around Â£50 each time.

Who should do the appointments? would splitting them be fair?

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ImperialBlether · 26/08/2015 15:42

But isn't he just having his brace tightened? There's no real need for a reassuring parent; when my children had braces the parents used to wait in the waiting room during all the routine work.

Yellowpansies · 26/08/2015 16:23

In my view, if there's a clear primary carer and breadwinner role split between the parents then it's the non-working parent's job to do that sort of thing. Isn't the whole point of being a (largely) SAHM that you're around to support your child with that kind of thing?

But if you've been unfortunate enough to have children with someone who turns out to be a bit crap at being a parent, then I do think you've a duty to step up as best you can and try to minimise the impact on your child.

Is there any milage in your DP pointing out how much he loses in pay each time, and making sure his ex loses her 15% of it (as child support is about 15% of pay for one child), so she might be encouraged to see it as in both of their interests for her to go? And yes, offer to at least split the bus costs.

Original poster

operaha · 27/08/2015 09:42

them going together ISN'T going to happen, they can't stand each other, it's just a brace! Christ yes when my son had appendicitis, my ex and I played nice but not one in the 2.5 years my daughter had braces did I even inform him when her appointments were, why would i?!
I'm just very different to his ex and he's different to mine, which actually makes a pretty good team.

Thank you to the poster that said I need to detach - this is exactly what I have realised I need to do and am working on and goodness it feels good.

she is dreadful, neglectful if you ask me, but I'd be here all day - it's something my partner is seeking legal advice regarding, and also going through a pretty horrible house split so yes, detachment is good, but hard.

Yes we live together, sort of, another long story!

OP posts:

Original poster

operaha · 27/08/2015 09:44

also - as I've pointed out the mum doesn't bother going, no way would she go together! so my point is he has no choice anyway, as dental work is not to be ignored.

OP posts:

amarmai · 09/09/2015 19:50

this is so different from the usual where we are told that the dad does nothing and the sm has to pick up the slack. I really admire this d and wonder if the m engineered this reversal of the usual division of labour. I can see how you feel op, but i cannot help feeling some admiration for this m.

Original poster

operaha · 14/09/2015 17:06

I'll just add to this the latest - my dp pays maintenance, always has. When he has dc he spends plenty, they share uniform costs etc.
Dps ex has now announced that as she's the lesser earner, he should pay more to her?! This is totally wrong right?! She can get a job, she chooses not to!!! She has no mortgage so can afford to stay at home, but he definitely shouldn't have to fund her cider and weed habit that should he?! I think she's lost the plot.....

OP posts:

amarmai · 14/09/2015 18:14

This sounds like a pattern to me and she's got a plot that advantages her. This is the reverse of the usual plot where the m gets stuck with picking up the slack . Your p will have to stand up to her and hope the cc don't suffer.

catsmother · 14/09/2015 18:44

She can 'announce' what she wants all she likes but your DP won't be compelled - legally - to pay her any more than the minimum set by the CMS. If he chooses to pay more that is of course entirely up to him - but it's in his control and if there's any concern about where the money's going he may prefer to spend 'extra' money (over and above the legal minimum) directly on the child and/or save it for them.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 14/09/2015 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

operaha · 14/09/2015 19:20

I'm not worried, as I said before I'm detaching!
She wouldn't cut contact in a million years, she doesn't look after the kid as it is, always asking anyone she can to keep overnight - to our knowledge that's every weekend that they're not with us.
Dp does every weds and Fri and every other Saturday. He'd love to be RP.

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swingofthings · 15/09/2015 10:57

If it is just braces and is only a bus trip away, can't the 14yo go alone? DS is 12 and regularly goes to see his dad on the bus/train alone, and DD always went to her brace appointments alone too.

If this is not possible, then it sounds like your OH needs to accept that his ex is not going to take responsibility and so for the sake of his son, he needs to do it all.

I do absolutely everything related to health and education and work full-time. I long gave up thinking that their dad could bother to get involved. It's much easier to expect nothing and get on with it then to get frustrated because what should rightly happens doesn't.

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