Feeling so done with it all!!

[SpandexBallet]

I am so angry today.
I have 1 DSD aged 13 who we have 3 nights every week. One of those nights being Friday and then all day Saturday. We haven't had a Saturday without having her unless it's on her terms such as a party or her being on holiday.

I work most Saturdays so that dp and DSD can get time together without me there. But this weekend is my first full weekend off all year. I told DP months ago and we arranged to go away today for 2 nights. Leaving DSD with her gran for the Saturday day.

Well this morning she announced she doesn't want to go to gps so DP has cancelled our weekend away.
The only weekend we have got to spend together in 5 years. And he is angry at me for getting upset. I am just so tired of coming last all the time.

Sorry it's long I just need a rant. I'm so upset that she is in bed still not getting up and he's watching TV when we could be enjoying the sunshine as a couple.

I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and needing support from him that he just won't give me so feeling very fragile right now

I don't blame you for being annoyed, I'd be absolutely livid. But this isn't your SDs fault, she's a 13 year old girl and she's testing the limits.

The correct response from your DH would have been to tell her tough, you have plans for the weekend. She could I presume have gone back to her mums as an alternative?

Kids have to fit in with what the adults are doing, this happens in every family, all the time. I have no idea why the step prefix suddenly changes everything

(I am a stepmum to two, and they do fit in with family plans, we've even gone on a long weekend away without them)

You must feel awful. DP should have been firmer with her. I would be upset and angry too.

When she is not there are things fine between you? Maybe he feels guilty as a dad that he is not there for her all the time so tends to give in more easily when she is there.

Sorry about your miscarriage.

Unfortunately she can't go back to her mums because her mum doesn't have her at weekends at all. She stays with her other grandparents Saturday and Sunday night (mums choice)

I'm just upset because he won't ever put my needs first. He didn't even take me to the hospital when I miscarried because she was coming round for tea. I just feel stupid for putting up with it for so long. Not cut out to be a step mum anymore at all.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage and sorry he has let you down time and time again.

You are right, there is no reason why she couldn't have gone to grandparents. Being bored is not an excuse!

Your dp needs to realise that he needs to build and work in ALL the relationships in his life, not just his daughter! Not that he's taught her anything positive at all, simply how to be manipulative.

That is awful that he did not take you to the hospital. I think you would be right to seriously question his feelings for you. How many weeks pregnant were you?

I am 17 weeks and had a scare a few weeks ago while DH was away at his parents in another part of the country. I took myself to the hospital and it was fine.Back home in a few hours after some monitoring. Didn't tell him because his dad has a chronic illness and the weekend has been a special thing arranged for months. When he got back the next day, I told him and he was really upset- I knew he would be-because he would have come back immediately because he would have wanted to be with me and it is his baby too. I think that's normal.

You have every right to feel let down and second best. His behaviour was shocking and indicates his priorities.

I feel awful for you. You deserve some TLC.

LTB

I'm so sorry for your loss

Miscarriage is heartbreaking.

When you are ready, when you have given yourself time to grieve I suggest you make your plans to leave.

You deserve so much better than this.

lulu and bluehen are right.

I am so sorry too. This isn't that you aren't cut out to be a stepmum, its that you are with an unsupportive partner.

Please take good care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. What he has done us just totally unacceptable.

I'm so sorry for you and I echo what Billy said, this isn't so much a S-P issue as a DP one. He sounds horribly unsupportive.

I know how difficult it can be coming second most of the time to the SDCs, but at a time like this any good partner would step up and realise that even in Disney world leaving you to deal with a MC and then cancelling these plans is completely unacceptable.

I'd be questioning the relationship with him TBH, not based purely on his DD but his behaviour in general.

He cancelled a weekend away you planned ages ago, 3 weeks after you miscarried!?!

You know what to do.

I'm livid for you OP, you deserve much MUCH better than this.

I would be fucking livid!

Not at dsd, she's not the adult, she didn't cancel the weekend.

Your useless unsupportive dp did.

What a twat.

I'm sorry op. You should have been able to get away for a bit after what you've been through

In fact sorry but I'm so angry for you!

Does he generally take you for granted? Always put you second best?

That isn't healthy and IS NOT the same as a father putting his children first.

I think a good flounce is in order op. Maybe then he'll start appreciating you.

I've always come last in the relationship.
But a lot of that is because DSD is horribly jealous when dp does anything couply with me. (She has told DP this) so him and I don't do much together in case it upsets her (his choice not mine)
He was very angry when we found out I was pg. It wasn't planned and he said I was being selfish keeping the baby because it was so unfair on DSD.
I'm just feeling sad that even when I need support, he's using DSD as an excuse why he can't be there for me.

Maybe I should leave

Jesus op!

From your last post I would say dear god yes! Leave! You could be so much happier.

Your dp sounds god awful. That is not how it is supposed to be.

My dsd is the same age as yours. She was a little jealous at first but dp didn't stop doing couple things with me. We included her, but on the things we couldn't dp just firmly explained it was adult time and gave her lots if reassurance. But in a healthy dynamic the child doesn't dictate what the adults can or can't do.

And what he said about the baby Op if nothing else that should scream out what a dickhead this man is.

We are expecting our second baby. Once again dsd was included and dp was over the moon and did so much to involve everyone.

This isn't a step mum problem.

This is a 'my dp is a giant horrible twat face' problem.

You should leave, that is really cruel OP.

So sorry to hear of your miscarriage

I think maybe go by yourself for a short break, give yourself some time and space to consider things.

A partner being that heartless, I'm lost for words.

So sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone. Everyone I talk to in real life just says I'm too harsh on my DSD. I'm the one that tells her to wear her seatbelt and brush her teeth. I don't like the way she acts a lot of the time. Including calling her dad a dickhead and other charming nicknames. So I tend not to acknowledge anything because it just makes me look like a horrible person as people think I'm too hard on her because her mum and dad spoil her so much!

Thanks everyone. Everyone I talk to in real life just says I'm too harsh on my DSD. I'm the one that tells her to wear her seatbelt and brush her teeth. I don't like the way she acts a lot of the time. Including calling her dad a dickhead and other charming nicknames. So I tend not to acknowledge anything because it just makes me look like a horrible person as people think I'm too hard on her because her mum and dad spoil her so much!

It's understandable op.

Your (hopefully soon ex) dp has made out that the reason he is a selfish prick is because off his dd. It's not.

It can be easy to resent dsd because dp has sort of led you into thinking things would be so much different if she wasn't there. That isn't true. He would still put you second best to himself.

Dsd is just a child. Dp is in control of the situation here. And he is being so so horrible to you.

I hope you find the strength to find a new life and the happiness you actually deserve.

You will never find it with that man

Really you need to stop concentrating on your feelings towards your dsd. It is 100% your 'd'p that is the problem here.

Not a step issue at all that I can see, but your partner is a first class twat by the sounds of it.

No I don't think it's DSD's fault at all. What I was trying (and failing miserably) to explain is that DSD gets jealous of my relationship with DP but that it is DP's fault for encouraging her behaviour and spoiling her.
She's a really lovely girl and I love her dearly. She's the reason I think that I've stayed as long as I have. When it's just the two of us we have such a lovely time (DSD and I)

Do you really see a way forward through all this op?

Can you live with him after the way he's behaved and THAT comment about your baby!

I don't blame you for being annoyed about this. It is really thoughtless of your DH. I usually think people should bend over backwards to accomodate schildren but you already have. He was mean.

It just all seems like a giant waste of the last 5 years if I just walk away.

I'm just surprised by the replies. I didn't expect a unanimous LTB

From what you have written op it will be a DISASTROUS waste of a damn few more years than 5 if you stay.

Obviously it's up to you, but the reactions on this thread ( step parenting is usually split 50/50 in the reactions) should tell you that this is not a good or normal relationship.

5 years is the very least you could waste.

Well he sounds like a crap parent and on some dodgy emotional ground with his DD. (Also, her mother doesn't have her at weekends? what on earth-)

But most of all, he's a crap partner. He has treated you unbelievably shabbily over this unplanned pregnancy, and now is seemingly punishing you?

For the love of god, get out now. You think 5 years wasted is bad? resolve not to waste another second.