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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My own jealousy killing my marriage

27 replies

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 16:07

Apologies for back story here. I am dissappointed in myself, not sure how to deal with my feelings and wondered if any other step parents have felt the same. Dh and I have no kids together, he has three almost adults, two of whom have always refused to acknowledge me (not ow and they have never been able to give a reason to dh), one who does but is slowly adopting the behaviour of the other two.

Mine on the other hand welcomed dh and though not perfect by any means, are loving and affectionate to him. Their own dad hardly sees them, his choice.

My dd yesterday flew into what is now a war zone. Instead of texting her to see if she was ok, all dh was worried about was his own dd arriving safely at her destination locally which was a twenty minute train journey.

It hurts. Why? Why should I expect him to love my dd? Is this why second marriages fail?

OP posts:

Fooso · 17/07/2014 16:54

It's a tough journey to take - but for your own sanity you have to try and accept that he is never going to feel about your children the way you do. Through experience, I can tell you this can eat away at you... you have to try and come to terms with. I have found the many threads on the Step thread a great comfort - to know you're not alone - and read the wise words of other stepmums.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 17:28

Thanks Fooso, made me feel better just to think there's someone who gets it- as no one in RL seems to. Do you just not think about it? I am always told how 'lucky' I am to have met dh. So basically, most second marriages involving kids are just 'settling'.

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NatashaBee · 17/07/2014 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fooso · 17/07/2014 17:35

no not at all. I've been with my do for 5 years. His 2 dad's livr with us full time along with my ds. I've posted several times about how my dp doesn't really engage with my ds but he's not unkind or anything. what I've come to accept is that my ds is happy, he's not bothered so I've stopped worrying about it. It does of course help that my ds sees his dad so he's not looking for much from my dp. of course I'd love him to think the world of my ds as I do but I can't make him and he is a quite annoying teenager at the moment

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 17:51

Thanks Natasha, he slipped up and forgot which I can understand in itself.. but it just wouldn't have happened if it was his dd and it hurts. He does a lot for my kids but likes recognition, and at the end of the day I know he's doing it for me, not them.

Mine are also annoying teens Fooso, and although dh is as kind and generous to them as he is to everyone, there is no comparison to the way he puts himself out for his own. And he will never admit it! I'm always told how luck I am with dh but I don't feel it

OP posts:

Fooso · 17/07/2014 17:59

I know what you mean. does it bother your kids or just you? for me this has been the hardest bit about being a step family

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 18:04

I so agree Fooso that it's the hardest bit. You are a united couple loving different children. You share everything with your partner/husband but not the same feelings for the most important people in your life. My kids seem to accept it easier than I do. The problem is with me.

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Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 18:07

And It doesn't help that my dh's children only bother with him when they want something usually money, which dh refuses to see. He is more than happy with a pay-per-view situation, bowing and scraping all the while.

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 17/07/2014 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 19:32

It IS killing my marriage Natasha, it's causing huge resentment on my part however unreasonable that is and actually takes away my feelings for dh. When they are rude to me and in turn he bows and scrapes, I lose respect for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 19:57

Sorry Natasha I read your post to quickly and misread it!

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 19:58

Is your ds also your husband's?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 17/07/2014 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 21:47

Marmite I totally understand!! Dp refusing to acknowledge his sons behaviour and attitude towards me has damaged our relationship to the point I have spent a lot of time wondering of I could carry on. We have a dd together and I do love him dearly but I do get sick of him playing best mate to dss rather than parent. As you know from my thread I have same issue with dss as you have with yours but luckily for me dp is starting to see what a little shit bag charmer dss can be and has started backing me up.

I think you may need to layout on the line. Not thinking to check if your dd was ok if she was travelling to Spain/Disney land is one thing but a war zone is unacceptable. How would he react if the roles were reversed andnit was his dd and you hadn't asked after her??

thebluehen · 17/07/2014 21:59

Sadly I don't think this is uncommon. I also sometimes feel that the whole world has to revolve around my step kids whilst ds is tolerated, with the exception of when he is badly behaved, he gets some attention then.

I think to an extent, it's normal. I don't feel anywhere near the same bond to my dsc as I do to ds. Dsd2 lives with me but I don't seem to "notice" as much about her life as I do my ds. However, I do wonder if that's because I know no one else will pick up the slack if I don't. Dsd has dp, his ex and both their extended families. I have to be all of those people to my ds.

Generally I just accept the situation but sometimes have to detach from the step kids as dp tries to make it all consuming and I do my best to remember which child is my priority.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 22:27

Natasha your situ is slightly different to mine in that although you say life seems to revolve around your dsd, at least you know that your dh loves your child too like you do.

Wheresthelight my dh used every conceivable reason to justify why he didn't ask after her- (didnt get the chance etc..) so convincing i nearly believed him till I reminded myself that he had the chance alright to call his dd after her local journey!

Bluehen dh doesn't expect my world to revolve around his kids, only his own world. I know I am being irrational and unreasonable in my jealousy. The problem is dh is beyond an amazing dad to his own, he has lived with mine since they were small and it's so hard watching the different way he treats them, even if it isn't intentional.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 22:46

I would still turn the tables and ask him how he would feeling you treated his kids with such indifference.

My biggest issue with dp is that he will talk to the kids and in his attempt to discipline he will give them excuses that he will accept. For example I will cook food that I know dss likes. He will refuse to eat it for no reason other than I cooked it. I refuse to argue it but flatly give him the choice to eat it or go to bed there and then with nothing further to eat. Dp will then discuss his behavior with comments like "is it because you were full" so ststraight away dss knows that if he says yes all is forgotten and dp will remove the ppunishment.

I am hoping this new improved parent is around to stay!!!

Eliza22 · 18/07/2014 07:28

I don't think this is about jealousy. What you're feeling is disappointment and sadness, I'd suggest.

His kids are a lost cause, for you. I have 3 steps. It's a nightmare I've often posted about, on here. I now give up. Let your DH get on with his relationship with them, as he should and for you? Do something else, enjoy your own kids and detach from his for your own sanity.

Your DH will never love another's kids as he does his own. That's just how it is.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 18/07/2014 08:14

Wheresthelight that is EXACTLY the sort of tactic my dh would use (offering an excuse) and I find it INFURIATING. It just entrenches the "them and us" way of thinking. How did you get your dh to reform?!

Eliza I have read your posts and identified with you. I don't feel I have lost anything by not having a relationship with his kids as they are not particularly nice people, but it would make life a lot easier for my dh which I regret (despite my having fallen over myself trying). I have detached long ago and am blesssed with my two fab kids; what more could I want- them?!!!

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Eliza22 · 18/07/2014 08:25

Good girl, Marmite!

Kaluki · 18/07/2014 11:42

I have posted the exact same problem on here a few times so I completely get where you're coming from.
DP can be distant with my dc, he is improving (slowly) but it still niggles at times.

This week is DS2's last week at Primary, I am very emotional as he is my youngest and it really is the end of an era. DP just isn't bothered. DS2 had his school concert yesterday and when DP got in from work he didn't even ask how it went, but his DD had a class assembly a few weeks and I got shown about 20 photos of her and he didn't shut up about her for days. That's when it annoys me and I try not to be bitchy about it but my God its hard not to point it out!! He is quite unsympathetic about how I'm feeling too, I am quite emotional about my 'baby' moving on to a new era in his life. However when his dd breaks wind we all have to know all about it!!!

Anormalfamily · 18/07/2014 12:21

Yep, lots of applause for wind breaking here too, haha.
My dh used to love bitching about his ex and her neglectful parenting. Then I noticed and pointed out to dh that he did indeed subscribe to the same parenting manual as the ex, I.e. Treat them like your peers and you need never be bad cop. This is both of them, mind.
So the dsc, through no fault of their own, have become obnoxious little know it alls and it doesn't matter what they do, it's special. When I once had the nerve to challenge dh by pointing out their quite serious issues, he said that we shall see who parents better when looking at the results. Unfortunately I know the results dh means, superficial rubbish no one will care about in a few years time, having decent friends or being kind and considerate mean nothing to him. Therefore my ds is poor relative status at best. Thankfully for him (and me tbh) he's a lovely young man who isn't at all perturbed by his stepdad and his antics.
However, I was so shocked at the coldness of dh remark that I detached immediately. I didn't intend on remaining a lone parent when I remarried, but there you go...

NatashaBee · 18/07/2014 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MarmiteMania · 18/07/2014 13:34

Anormalfamily I also didn't bank on being a lone parent when I re-married, but I sure felt like one at parent's consultation evening when dh forgot to show up. Of course it was my fault for not 'reminding' him. I commended him for not 'needing to be reminded about his dd's the following week.

OP posts:

Eliza22 · 18/07/2014 15:37

Oh God, WHY do we bother? Endlessly putting ourselves in the firing line of these kids? If it were anyone else....a work colleague/friend you'd just give up and not continue with the relationship.

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