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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you think they have a clue....?

34 replies

how2cope · 14/07/2014 10:09

Hi lasies, I'm just wondering this morning, do you think that your DP's have any idea of just how difficult it is sometimes to be a SM? Do you think they think 'sure my child is amazing and isn't she soooo lucky to get to spend time with both me and my DC'? I guess sometimes it just feels like you're underappreciated as a SM and that pretty much the impact of being in a SM / DSC relationship only matters to the SC not to you?! Just some random ramblings, but would be interested in your thoughts!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/07/2014 10:49

I have DC too, so my DH has a reasonable idea I think - as he's a step parent too. He knows he doesn't feel the same about mine as he does his own, so would understand that I'm the same.

Not that it's quite the same situation we're in - I do do a lot more for the DSC than he does for mine (because of his longer working ours, more DSC than DC, different expectations different for women and men, etc). Though I do think he has a reasonable idea of what it's like for me overall.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/07/2014 10:56

I totally agree. Don't get me wrong my DP says he 'knows it must be hard' but I don't think he quite appreciates what I do for him and his kids. Or the fact that I am the one always compromising. I told him this weekend I feel like I walk on egg shells incase I say something wrong that will upset him and/or DSC. I'm sorry I say things like it is and I have thoughts / feelings about how kids are brought up and treated. I also have an expectation of how I should be treated by him and the kids.

I love my DP kids as much as I can but here jobs I treat them different. He says things like finito was you niece or nephew you would be different. - yea I would because I know what I am allowed to say. With his kids I beer know what I can and can't say.

Anyway I think that DP doesn't fully appreciate the role I have but we are working on it and we have ha some good ready eyed chats about it. I think he is getting there and is more understanding now.

Original poster

how2cope · 14/07/2014 11:14

I hope they have some clue, but, as purpleroses post suggests, if they don't do it, how can they know! I didn't ever choose to have kids with the wrong person, so he's never had to experience what it's like to be made to feel like an outsider in your own home! Things are definitely improving, we have much more of a balance now, it's less 'me V DSS' on his weekend visits then it was, i think living together has helped with that, maybe DSS (and poisonous ex-w) see that, despite everything, I'm going nowhere so they may as well get on with it, still, no matter how well things go, it just takes very little to make you feel like the outsider again....!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/07/2014 11:27

To be fair, I don't think any of us "choose to have our kids with the wrong person" - at the time we make the choice to have them, we don't realise it's the wrong person!

Not that that makes it any easier I guess when you're living with the consequences of that decision which was made before you came along, but you can't change the past - not as the parent nor the step parent.

Original poster

how2cope · 14/07/2014 11:50

Oh I know that purpleroses, am just talking from my situation, I should have probably explained what I meant! My DP frequently says that while in his previosu relationship, that he knew that he was making a huge mistake. Obviously many people who have children with someone, who later turns out to be the wrong person, didn't know this at the time, just, it seems that mine did....

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaluki · 14/07/2014 12:41

Regarding the extra workload I'm sure DP thinks that I do all these things for my own dc so it's not much different with 2 extra kids in the house!!
It's taken ages to get through to him that the difference is that his kids aren't my responsibility.
Yes he does think I should look forward to seeing them as much as he does bit I just don't

msevs · 14/07/2014 13:19

how2cope, my DP said the same, that he even tried to break up with his ex before she became pregnant with their first, and that he knew from early on that he didn't really like her or want to be with her long term. How he then ended up having a five year relationship and two kids with her, I'll never really understand. I don't know if telling me this is supposed to make me feel better somehow, I just feel more annoyed with him because according to him, he knew he was making a mistake but did it anyway, and now I have to live with the consequences as well.

I think he probably knows I'll never really feel comfortable in our house when his kids are around, but I don't think he wants to confront this so just pretends everything is ok.

AiringDirtyLaundry · 14/07/2014 14:10

how2cope, I honestly don't think they can ever understand. My DH is incredibly supportive and patient (I do thank my lucky stars) and does try to understand when I explain to him that I simply cannot love his DS as if he were my own (I have no children of my own). I often feel under appreciated, etc. and I don't think those feelings will ever go away. I didn't share the experiences of him being a baby, toddler, etc. so I can't possibly have those maternal feelings. I also disagree with the way he is being raised by his mother and it's frustrating to me that his upbringing it entirely out of my control. I'm having to watch him grow up to be an insensitive, ungrateful, lazy, unmotivated teenager even though he's got an amazing brain and incredible potential. But, as I remind myself daily, I'm not his mother.

For years I've felt guilty about it, but after reading a few books ('Stepmonster' is particularly good) I realize that these feelings are normal and now I strive to have more of a friendship with my DS than a parent-child relationship. I try to encourage him when I can and not take it personally when he never says thank you, or shows any kind of appreciation. I'm still not happy about having to clean up after him, or cook meals that he won't eat but I've chosen to accept these things as little irritations, rather than let them become the focus of my resentment.

Original poster

how2cope · 14/07/2014 14:14

Oh yes Kaluki, I was asked at the weekend whether i had scrubbed DSS's soiled pants before i put them in the washing machine.....i mean, seriously, there is no way i think that i should be EVER expected to do that.....??!

msevs, i can totally empathise, i think by them saying to us 'look, i never felt this way for her, i always knew she wasn't for me' etc. etc. we're supposed to bask in the glow of how much he loves US compared to her, however, instead i sometimes think 'why could you not just stop the relationship then'......

OP posts:

purpleroses · 14/07/2014 14:19

I'm having to watch him grow up to be an insensitive, ungrateful, lazy, unmotivated teenager even though he's got an amazing brain and incredible potential - I could have written that about my own DS

But that's just it really isn't it? It's utterly frustrating, but he's my DS, so I can't blame anyone else for how he is, and always love him anyway, and kind of get where he's at and why he's like he is in a way that you only do when you've loved a child since they were tiny. As a stepparent when the DSC are annying/difficult/lazy/rude - I get annoyed not just with them, but with their parents (both their mum and my DH) for not tackling it as I would do - or even not having done what I would have done many years ago.

AiringDirtyLaundry · 14/07/2014 14:26

purpleroses you've totally hit the nail on the head! Quite often I'm not really annoyed with my DSS, but rather with his parents for teaching him that these behaviours are okay (yes, including my DH sometimes)!

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AiringDirtyLaundry · 14/07/2014 15:17

Oh NatashaBee I think it's a dangerous question with no right answer for any DH who has a child with someone else. I've often felt myself feeling resentful that my DH made what I consider to be the most important decision of your life (having a child) with his ex. Once I start down that road in my head he's damned if he says "he loved her" and equally as damned if he says "he didn't really love her." Whether he felt it was or wasn't "right", the hard fact remains that he chose to have a child with her. You can't beat yourself up or question why he's with you based on a previous relationship. He's with you, here and now, and that's what should matter. If you love him and you feel secure that he loves you, try to embrace that and don't give his ex the power to influence your feelings.

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fattyfattyyumyum · 14/07/2014 15:23

I would struggle to have any respect for a DH who claimed they knew previous relationships "weren't right" but went ahead and had children anyway. Either they are lying, or lack any empathy for the lives they ruin by taking such actions

Original poster

how2cope · 14/07/2014 15:38

to be fair fattyfattyyumyum, I don't think that as a SM, you want to hear declarations from your DP that he was madly in love with the ex, I think that would be more hurtful to his present relationship than saying 'i always knew it was wrong'!

I reckon alot of us here are dealing with men who came out of their first or second maybe serious relationship, when they were changing alot as a person, they knew it 'wasn't right' probably at the time, but obviously, it had been right at some stage early on, so they took the leap of faith and got married / bought houses/ had children, because it was the 'thing to do' everyone expected it of them, these women had spent long years with our DP's and so they felt too guilty / worried / confused to do the 'right' thing and leave, thinking it'll be better when we so x/y/z. Maybe they're victims of naivety or the 'following the crowd' mentality....!

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 14/07/2014 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msevs · 14/07/2014 16:02

Exactly, I'm not sure if my DP really did feel that way about his ex or if things just soured so much between them when their relationship ended that it made him think it was never right. I think the reality is that he was blinded by lust at the time and just didn't think about the consequences of his actions, hence his ex getting pregnant. He claims he was naive back then, not sure that I buy that though.

Elizabeth120914 · 14/07/2014 21:54

I don't think they have any mine doesn't anyway!!

Just posted a new thread cos he's made comparisons between dsd who is the carbon copy of night mare ex and our child we are expecting .. Thoughtful .. ??

pinkerson · 14/07/2014 22:26

Mine does because I've told him (quite often). He's incredibly appreciative of what I've done too, and can cope with me talking about my struggles. He's quite unusual I'd imagine.

Boomeranggirl · 14/07/2014 22:26

I've had this conversation with DH. His view was he cared about his ex but wasn't madly in love with her. He said they met, got on, so he was happy to get married. This is apparently how his parents did it and he didn't think it could be any different. It wasn't until he was years into the relationship and had kids because 'that is what you do' that he knew it wasn't right and he was deeply unhappy. His family commented on the positive change in him when he split up with his ex.

Now we have DS he says life couldn't be more different. He is very hands on with him and we're 50/50 all the way in caring for him, whereas with his kids he did help out but wasn't as involved. Without ex bashing, I got the impression that she saw the kids as her area and he was just there to earn the money. Very sad because you can see this in his relationship with them, it's very stiff and sometimes uncomfortable to watch. But everyone pretends everything is fine and dandy.

I understand all this but as you all say we have to live with the choices our DH made. I sometimes want to shake him and say why didn't you just wait!!! I'm also angry with his parents for giving him such low expectations in life.

Elizabeth120914 · 15/07/2014 08:42

Wish mine was Pinkerson! I don't like taking about the ex in terms of what went of I find it better to be detached so have always avoided going through the nitty gritty she's vile and I prefer not to think about him thinking she was ever ok!!

Georgina1975 · 15/07/2014 08:55

No. I don't think they have a clue. When the SC were still children I did all the meal planning (and shopping), general logistics, activity planning, holiday planning...the list goes on. Week after week. I never resented the SC, but I did get very angry at my DP about his lack of effort for his own children.

My family come to stay about twice a year. I asked him once how he would handle doing all that for them...that made him think.

We did reach a middle ground after a couple of years. I let go a little more (I was a bit too organised I think, with hindsight, as a way of addressing my anxiety at being a SP) and he got involved a little more.

I get the reward for my efforts now though. I can sense the SC appreciate everything I did and now they are adults they help me/us out with stuff.

Georgina1975 · 15/07/2014 08:58

My DP and his ex loved each other very much for years. My belief is that they drifted apart in that haze of working hard and bringing up children. I think they got to the stage where they couldn't find their way back to each other. Simple and as complicated as that.

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