Do you think they have a clue....?

[how2cope]

Hi lasies, I'm just wondering this morning, do you think that your DP's have any idea of just how difficult it is sometimes to be a SM? Do you think they think 'sure my child is amazing and isn't she soooo lucky to get to spend time with both me and my DC'? I guess sometimes it just feels like you're underappreciated as a SM and that pretty much the impact of being in a SM / DSC relationship only matters to the SC not to you?! Just some random ramblings, but would be interested in your thoughts!

This is so interesting, reading everyones views on this, glad I started it! I guess, perhaps, our DP's don't want to dwell on how difficult their choices have made the lives of their current DP's, us! But sometimes it would be nice for them to just say, thanks! (especially when the DSC(s) are being particularly 'trying' (spoilt/undisciplined/brattish!!))

how2cope great thread indeed! I don't think anyone can possibly understand the challenges of being a step-parent until they become one. There are a lot of social assumptions about how we should feel and a lot of judgement about stepmothers in general. I'm sure most of the people on this thread didn't know how difficult it would be until they became stepmothers themselves.

In hindsight, I knew it wouldn't be easy but I honestly wasn't aware of all the emotional stuff that comes with it! Thankfully, DH is very supportive and tries his best to understand but he will never be able to see or feel things the way I do. Helping to raise someone else's child with my hands tied is the most difficult thing I've ever done!

Natashabee I love it... My mother is a nightmare if I could tolerate her for a week that could really be karma!!

I think it is a bit like inlaws really, especially with older DSC - DSC are people you never really chose to be related to (nor they, you) but have ended up connected to through your DP. You might be lucky and really hit it off with them, or you might not. But society's expectations on how we feel about our DSC are hugely different from inlaws - everyone makes jokes about awful MILs and knows how hard they can be - nobody expects you to love your MIL like your own DM

After a year and a half of being totally and utterly miserable as a full time step mum, I think I am starting to see around the groundbreaking corner. After months of battling with DH he has suddenly changed! Understands my despair and looks after me. Is this temporary? I don't know! He is starting to side with me against stroppy teenagers. I don't know what has brought the change on. Guilt perhaps? I daren't ask him!

Tappergirl thats fantastic! There's hope for us all yet! I'm sure they have to have an inkling of how difficult it is for us, don't they..........

I have always done a lot to make my dss's life more comfortable, and both he and dh have noticed and appreciated it. In turn I've found dh incredibly understanding about my struggles, but it has involved me being really honest and saying hard things sometimes. I've had to let go of my idea that I should be a perfect sm and work out the things that I really can't tolerate.

In the end, we all think each of us matters. The worst times have been when I've denied my own needs and wishes, or when I've been so wound up that I've ignored my stepson's. It's been a constant struggle to balance everything, especially since we had dc. But I think we always come back to thinking we all matter... That seems the only way to make a blended family work.