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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Saying no to looking after his son!

32 replies

Rosieotto · 05/06/2014 19:52

Myself and DP don't live together

He currently sees his son every other weekend (fri-sun) and also just the alternte Friday for couple of hours to!

His son lives over a hour away (2 hour round trip) and I used to for various reasons done most of the commuting! Back last summer there was a lot if probs with his son which resulted in lots of very unfair demands (I.e I must not be around him/be in car for any picks ups etc) and I was the one who got shooted in the foot even though I was the one who constantly went out my way to accomadate/transport his son!

So since then I have distanced myself and haven't done anything in regards to pick ups etc!

Dp has now decided that he is now only going to have son ever other week and for longer periods over school hols and over these holidays while he is at work he expects me to look after him!

Firstly I'm currently on maternity but will soon to be going back to work, so when I'm back I want the 2 days I have off to spend with my own children taking them out, meeting friends, letting them have sleep overs ect

I don't go back till sept and dp wants me to have his son for half the holidays AIBU in not wanting to???

Like I say we are not living together and have no financal ties, I look after my kids and there childcare arrangements etc

OP posts:

Watercolourfootballs · 05/06/2014 19:57

On the basis of what you've posted YANBU

Alita7 · 05/06/2014 20:39

Is the child you're on maternity leave for his or not? If it is then I would be more likely to help as you should be working together to support each other.

If not then (and to be honest even ifif the child is his), you have the right to say no if you feel you are being taken advantage of for any reason or it is inconvenient for you.

HygieneFreak · 05/06/2014 20:45

What a cheeky dp you have.

Would the childs mother allow you to look after him?

Realitybitesyourbum · 05/06/2014 20:51

You can't really say dp if you are not living together, can you? Isn't he a boyfriend?

Anyway, you don't have to of course, and given what you have said the mum has been like, surely she won't let you?

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 05/06/2014 20:52

YANBU. Your DP is being an entitled arse. Stick to your guns, it's a big fat no for all the reasons you've given.

GemmaTeller · 05/06/2014 20:59

Your DP should be taking holidays from work when he has his son, its his responsibility.

I put my foot down years ago when DH's ex started saying 'in the holidays I'll have xxx week with daughter, you have xxx week and if Gemma has xxx week then we're covered'.....

eerr, no, I decide when I have my holidays from work not exp.

Original poster

Rosieotto · 05/06/2014 21:02

Yes sorry I should say boyfriend but DP is easier!

Yes he is father of this baby but like I say we don't live together and have not plans to he also doesn't really contribute anything but will buy bits for our child if we are out shopping together!

Yes the mum will happily let me have the child now, most of her issues were more about him not me just sadly I was the one who done everything for his son so I was the one who ended up feeling like I was being pushed out

OP posts:

EverythingCounts · 05/06/2014 21:10

There will be people along to say that using DP is fine if you don't live together, they do it and so on. Personally I agree with Reality but I guess that's not the major issue anyway...

YANBU on the childcare front. You are not free labour. But alita makes a good point - if this new baby is his then I would kind of expect you to be planning a life from a team perspective and doing some childcare for his son - at a reasonable level and agreed with you in advance, obviously - might be part of that. But tbh you sound pretty ambivalent about him altogether. Do you think it will work out with him long-term?

Original poster

Rosieotto · 05/06/2014 21:28

I am unsure weather our relationship will workout long term at the moment I can't see any chance if us living together but who know that may happen in the future!

I do have his son at mine to stay every other weekend but I am reluctant to give up my very few free days off work with my children to look after his son so he can work! He is his own boss and can take days off for golf/trip to races etc so I can't see why he can't take a few days off himself for his child!

I'm honestly not trying to be unkind but I also don't want to be taken advantage of and just used for free childcare especially when I pay near on £400 a week in school holiday childcare for my own children

OP posts:

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 21:31

Can I ask why he doesn't contribute anything finally to the support of his child? When does he look aftre his baby ?

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 21:31

Sorry I mean financially

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2014 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingCounts · 05/06/2014 21:37

Oh, definitely not, then, if he can take days off for golf and the races then absolutely do not pick up the slack for him. He should be prioritising using his time off for his son. Tell him that.

Fairenuff · 05/06/2014 21:40

I'm not sure why you are with him tbh. He is not stepping up to his role as a father either to your baby or his existing son.

Just tell him that he will need to make his own childcare arrangements for his son and see what he does. If he takes time off to be with him, maybe there is something there that could grow into mature fatherhood. If not, he is never going to be the father that he should be.

Kaluki · 05/06/2014 23:45

Surely if 'DP' isn't available then DSS should be at home with his mum!
I hate this whole access by proxy thing. He is with his dad to see his dad and not to be dumped on you, especially when they excluded you before anyway!

wheresthelight · 06/06/2014 00:07

As the baby is his sibling then there should be allowances made so that he can spend time with the baby and bond - that said your boyfriend should not be forcing you to give up every day off to mind his son. Could you compromise and offer to have him for a couple of the days and save the rest for your own children?

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 01:29

YANBU. Did you even have a part in the discussions about changing access visits? Or did your DP (I don't think whether you live together makes the difference of DP/BF) just decide to make a change and assume you'd be able to provide the childcare? Very cheeky!

Original poster

Rosieotto · 06/06/2014 09:24

No I didn't have discussion regarding the changes in access I was consulted at all!

I don't see how he expects me to sort out his son in holidays, when I'm back to work I have my own children in childcare!

I'm honestly don't trying to be mean or stop him spending time with his sibling but I just can't see that it's my responsibility or why I should be the one who will end up funding it, like I do now, it's my house they use every other weekend, my food, my gas, my hot water etc and Boyfriend does not contribute to any household bill I have! I was cross few weeks bavk when DSS locked himself in the bathroom in the shower for 30 mins, his dad was out and he wouldn't listen to me and get out...... I'm on a blinking water meter and limit our own showers etc do we are not wasting water!

Boyfrien has been promising for over a year now to sort out a sofa bed for his son to sleep on at mine, yet it still hasn't happened yet they expect his son to get a bed and a room and it's my children who end up bunking up together in a single bed just to stop the dramas so everyone can sleep!

OP posts:

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 09:27

Oh, Rosieotto. That is all just not right. You are responsible for your own children, not for his. Not one tiny bit. You certainly should not be providing for him and his when you can't afford it without being at the expense of your own.
You really are being taken massive advantage of and it needs to stop.

brdgrl · 06/06/2014 09:28

And find out where your central tap is so you can turn the water off if anything like that ever happens again. ;)

catsmother · 06/06/2014 09:53

Agree that the expectation your DP has of you re: providing free child care - without any consultation - is exceedingly arrogant.

However, what you've described in your last post makes it even worse as it's clear he's been taking advantage of you for quite some time. How dare he expect you to provide bed and board for him and his without ever contributing to this regular expense ? Why on earth would anyone think it's okay to use you like that ? .... does he think his company is so wonderful and his son such a pleasure for you to see that that outweighs the realities of real life like food shopping, excessive water usage (and disrespect by refusing to leave the bathroom when asked) and unsuitable sleeping arrangements (which your kids end up suffering for while his son gets to sleep in comfort) ?? Who made his son so much more important than anyone else - "expects" a room indeed. I'm really angry for you.

Frankly I'd be telling him enough was enough unless he very quickly showed you he was sorry and made significant changes to how he treats you. But my gut feeling, after all this time - as opposed to maybe just one or two incidents which could be down to silly thoughtlessness - is that he sees you and your kids as inferior to him and his son and I very much doubt he wants to change anything about his attitude or putting his hand in his pocket when the current arrangement works so well in his favour.

His son is not your responsibility and neither is it your job to ensure him and his son have as comfortable a life as possible which can only be achieved by sacrifices which ultimately affect your kids. Think about how he never makes a contribution and how the money you spend regularly on them could otherwise be used to benefit your kids.

Please don't tell me that when you used to (very kindly) do regular 2 hour round trips you also used to pay for all the petrol used ......

I think there's a bigger problem here than just being asked to do childcare (which was bad enough). Do you really want to be with someone like that ? Appreciate you don't live together which in a way would make a split somewhat easier than if you did - guess you were anticipating doing the vast majority of childcare for the new baby anyway so removing yourself emotionally from him wouldn't make much difference. Obviously, him and his son could still be involved with the baby but you'd no longer have to put up with all the pisstaking that appears to have been going on. You would also be entitled to child maintenance from him and may well therefore find yourself better off.

DLCC · 06/06/2014 10:07

Oh OP I know exactly what youre going through. I dont live with DP/boyfriend (I own, he rents 45 minutes away) and I have two boys, 9&5, he has two as well 10&8, and has them 50% of the time. However his holiday allowance isnt enough to cover all school holidays. Im being made redundant and finish at the end of June and Im hoping to take the summer holidays off and look for something to start September. I have never had the holidays off with my children so this is probably the only opportunity I will ever get. I have planned to use some of my redundancy money on doing up my house a bit (decorating, replacing internal doors etc) and plan to do this before the boys break up so that Im not doing it when theyre off and can make the most of my time with them. He has got wind of this and casually said the other day, You wont be able to do jobs anyway in the summer as youll be living over here for the holidays, errrrrrrrrrrr sorry?? I dont know anyone where he is, nor do my children. He wants me there to cover childcare for his children while he works. When we first got together I offered to have them his half of half term, wed been together 8 months then, he went to work early and came home late as having me looking after them meant he could, catch up on work email in the office , I had them for 2.5 days that week and vowed never again.

Weve been together for nearly 2 years, hes been divorced 4 so if he does mention it Ill just ask what he did for holiday care before I came along..

coppertop · 06/06/2014 10:12

He's treating you like an employee, not a partner.

Let him make his own childcare arrangements.

BuzzLightbulb · 06/06/2014 10:50

Somebody mentioned self entitled arse?

I'd go along with that. If he can afford golf and the races, I suspect he can afford a place to live that's big enough for him and his son, if not all of you and you can go visit him instead!

You've only posted about the childcare thing so the rest of your life together is your business.

I'd say no. You may offer for b/f and his son to spend some time with you and the baby over the holidays but only if b/f has already arranged to be off with his son. It's not a day off of childcare for him to go play.

HecatePropylaea · 06/06/2014 10:59

I'd tell him to make his own arrangements.

Seems more like him using you than you pitching in together as a family.

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