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Step-parenting

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Original poster

are my husband's ex wives nephews still his nephews?

38 replies

amandajs99 · 16/05/2014 09:46

There's a lot more to this but I'll be brief. My husband and I were married last year after he divorced his ex, I am step mother to his children and all parents get on very well. However, he wants to go to NY to stay with his ex in laws and refers to his ex wife's brother's children as his nephews. I have no problem at all with him visiting them, I'm a little disappointed as he's made no effort to see my nephews or neices but I'm pretty sure that they are no longer really his nephews? Perhaps I'm hoping that he focuses more on his new extended family now.

OP posts:

SpringBreaker · 16/05/2014 09:50

How long were they married? If he has known them all their lives despite a lack of blood tie then they will still consider him to be their uncle regardless of divorce. You do sound a little bit peeved.

WanderingAway · 16/05/2014 09:51

If he sees them as his nephews then to him they are his nephews.

Morgause · 16/05/2014 09:52

It doesn't matter what they are called, they are people important in his life. He didn't divorce them.

Trazzletoes · 16/05/2014 09:53

My aunt and uncle have split up. Granted I was nearly an adult when that happened, but it doesn't stop her being my aunt. She always will be. We have a relationship independent of her marital status!

Trinovantes · 16/05/2014 09:57

I think that speaks well of him, OP. He divorced his wife, not the rest of the family, and I think it it a significant thing, and a good one, that his ex-in-laws still want contact with him and would welcome him into their home, despite the fact he divorced their daughter. Yes, his nephews are still his nephews.

If you'd like him to spend more time with your extended family, too, why don't you arrange a visit?

alita7 · 16/05/2014 10:17

I don't know how long they were married or how old the kids are but all but 1 of my mum's 6 siblings were married when I was born and the other married when I was little, so they are all just as much aunts and uncle's as the biological ones as they were all already there from when I started to remember things. If any of them had at any point divorced they would still have been just as much my family member as the biological ones! My uncle recently died and his wife is still my aunt!

He hasn't built up the relationship with your family yet, try and see the exs family like you would any mutual friends they had, he doesn't want to loose his friends just because they split... but try and have more family events so that he becomes closer to your family too.

He can still call them his nephews, they may still see him as uncle, just as im sure my step daughter would be confused If I suddenly wasn't her step mum anymore.

brdgrl · 16/05/2014 10:34

If he sees them as his nephews, and they see him as their uncle, then yeah. The divorce is something that's happened between the couple. It doesn't end the feelings and relationships of others in the family.

I do think people need to be sensitive about it, and with adult relations, yes, that may mean less contact (like not going round to your former in-laws for dinner on Sundays). Do you have any reason to think your DH is trying to keep indirect contact with his ex thru the family? If not, then just accept them as his family, albeit maybe members you don't feel much obligation towards yourself.

hampsterdam · 16/05/2014 10:36

Yes they're still his nephews they will always be his kids cousins

Lucked · 16/05/2014 10:37

I would say yes.

Does he have any children with ex? Are they his childrens cousins?

Lucked · 16/05/2014 10:38

Sorry read Op again, they are his childrens cousins so by blood related to his kids and you could argue by extension him. They will forever be related.

HavantGuard · 16/05/2014 10:44

Yes, they're still his nephews. My aunt is still my aunt even though my uncle left her and shacked up with someone else when I was 12/13. The person he married is his wife.

Kaluki · 16/05/2014 11:41

Of course they are!
My uncle divorced my aunt 30 years ago but she is my cousins mum, therefore she's my aunt, as is his second wife.

Although thinking about it further I don't consider DP's nephews as my nephews, even though he and I got together before they were born. Maybe its because we aren't married, or because we don't have dc together who would be their cousins.

Eliza22 · 16/05/2014 16:39

Definitely. He had a relationship with them as kids in the role of Uncle. It still stands. My husband's relationships remain the same (except with his Ex....they are non-communicado).

Can't you go to NY? You are his wife!

Eliza22 · 16/05/2014 16:41

Oh, and wanted to add, it's dangerous ground "new family/old family". It suggests a hierarchy of importance. I loved the way my DH, bless him, made all of us loved and important.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/05/2014 16:42

I was married to my FirstH for 6yrs, I still regard his nieces/nephews as mine. His DB and DSIl have also split up, and I see my xDSIL from time to time, and they know me as there aunt.

I also had a dear aunt growing up who split from my blood Uncle, and even though I was young when it happened, she will ALWAYS be my aunt. Lovely woman.

Hulababy · 16/05/2014 17:01

I consider my BIL (DH's brother) and SIL's daughters as my nieces, just as much as my sister (and her DH)'s son is my nephew.

If I was ever to find myself no longer with DH I would still want those two nieces in my life. I love them both dearly.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 16/05/2014 17:08

Yes. It's how he sees the relationship that's important.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 16/05/2014 17:09

What were you going to do, tell him they're not really his nephews so he shouldn't see them?

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2014 17:11

If he still sees them as his nephews, then why are you worried about it? Are you jealous because he's still linking back to his ex's family and not got acquainted with your family so well yet?

I think it speaks well of him that he hasn't abandoned them, tbh. It's a shame when a marital split means that other relatives "lose" that person as well, if they had a good relationship with them.

How long has he known these boys? And how long have you been with him?

EeeeeeekAMouse · 16/05/2014 17:12

Of course they are still his nieces and nephews.

HygieneFreak · 16/05/2014 17:22

I dont think they are still his niece and nephews.

They were his niece and nephew due to marriage. He married into the family, he's now no longer in the marriage, and therefore not part of their family anymore.

Hes got a different family now, and he should be prioritising this family, not the one hes no longer related to as he divorced.

OwlCapone · 16/05/2014 17:29

If he sees them as his nephews then to him they are his nephews.

This.

Perhaps I'm hoping that he focuses more on his new extended family now.

So you want him to ditch his old family in favour of yours? Do you feel he should ditch all friends from his previous marriage too?

MarathonFan · 16/05/2014 17:31

Are the nephews older than his own children i.e. was he their cuddly uncle when he had no children of his own?

I think if they grew up close to him and he was a "proper" uncle to them then why on earth should that stop now. I suspect that in many families they would drift apart but it says a lot for him as a person that he doesn't want to let that happen. Also an opportunity to visit NY on the cheap might be a bonus?!!

I suppose technically, if you want to put an official name to it they're his ex-nephews but they're also people he's obviously very fond of. Why would that change?

What age are your nieces and nephews and how many children do you have between you? I don't think it's unusual for uncles/aunts who already have their own children to be less involved in their nieces and nephews lives than those who don't have children of their own.

Trinovantes · 16/05/2014 17:33

HygieneFreak but his kids are their cousins. He is still connected to that family through his kids, and that's not going to change, nor should it.

HygieneFreak · 16/05/2014 17:38

Hes not connected to the family just because his kids are on their mothers side.

The mothers side of the family and the dads side of the family are completely separate families.

Just because the kids have a family that has nothing to do with their parent, it doesn't make that parent part of the family.

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