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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So annoyed dsd hasn't bothered with her brothers birthday!

46 replies

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 13:43

I'm getting a bit sick of my dsd attitude at the minute (she's 16). She never bothers to buy anyone anything for their birthday, not even a card. A handmade card would do!! She doesn't even bother to say 'Happy Birthday'!!
My ds is 6 today and apparently she's too tired to come round.
I feel so sad for him!

OP posts:

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flowerpotgirl12 · 02/03/2014 15:03

No advice but That sort of thing annoys me too, my dsd expects me to get her presents independently from her df, yet not even a happy birthday via fb for me. I've recently had a ds and my dss refuses to refer to him as anything other than it. Really really pisses me off as pretty sure doing it to annoy me.

needaholidaynow · 02/03/2014 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 16:10

Neither of my "D"SSs have ever recognised the birthday of anyone on our house (including DS aged 5), or Christmases either. The eldest is 18 . Yes selfish, rude, entitled, and lots of other words I can think of

MsColour · 02/03/2014 16:21

Don't have experience of teenagers but does your dp not encourage her to buy presents?

purpleroses · 02/03/2014 16:25

Is he her brother?
If he's not, (ie he's just yours) and she doesn't live with you, then I don't think her behaviour's that odd really. Teenagers tend to have other priorities in their lives.

Yes, I think getting your DP to help her/pressure her to buying a card and saying happy birthday by phone would be a good idea. She ought to be old enough to sort it out on her own, but as she's not doing then looks like she's not really mature enough to do that yet.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 16:28

Parents really don't need to be helping a 16y buy/make a card IMO. I our case, SSs were brought up with this, year in year out yet it didn't make any difference whatsoever. And no, they have nothing "else" in their lives, so no excuse at all, just laziness and entitlement and rudeness

Aroundtheworldandback · 02/03/2014 16:43

Allnew do you in turn recognise your ss's birthdays? My ss's have never recognised mine or my children's- just their dad's. As they are also old enough to know exactly what they are doing (16 & 19), I took the decision to ignore theirs. I know two wrongs don't make a right but it just makes my blood boil when I see my kids doing the right thing and just getting spite in return.

Sorry icantstop I didn't mean to hijack your thread. But it makes my blood boil.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 16:49

DH has always sorted their presents from us both. Until recently he also sorted them presents "from" DS but has now stopped as he too is sick of their lack of reciprocation. They literally turn up at Christmas empty handed, awaiting their gifts. And don't even call let alone card/present for birthdays Father's Day. I don't give a shit that they ignore mine, but I think ignoring their own father and brother is disgusting.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 16:50

I suggested to DH that he ignores the eldest's next birthday to make a point. But he won't. So it will continue despite him now being an adult.

RedFocus · 02/03/2014 17:09

My dsc's don't even recognise their dads birthday let alone anyone else's! At Christmas they come to ours open all their presents, complain about them and don't even hand over a homemade card.
I blame their mother because my dc's send their dad cards and presents (which I have bought myself) for birthdays, Christmases and fathers days. She refuses to even let them send the Father's Day cards they make at school and instead gives them to her dp. My kids make 2 cards, one for dad and one for step dad.
Luckily my kids make up for the lack of effort from his kids but I can see how hurt my dh is but cuddles from my kids make him feel better.
At least when they get older he can say he made the effort and not feel guilty unlike them.

Original poster

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 17:09

Hi all, thanks for the replies. It actually really upsets me! I've know dsd over 10yrs and I get nothing which I can cope with but when my dc get ignored it makes my blood boil! He's just turned 6 and luckily we've kept him so busy today he hasn't said anything but I know he will eventually.
He is her brother (same dad), I think she's got away with this for far too long now. It's as if her presence is a gift in itself but I'm getting really fed up now.
Dh is going to have a word when he sees her. I do feel like ignoring her birthday now to see how she likes it but I know that's so immature!
I just feel gutted for my gorgeous ds :(

OP posts:

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 17:17

flowerpotgirl12 - it is time this spoilt madam was told a few home truths I think.

purpleroses · 02/03/2014 17:24

It's down to laziness and self-centerdness. But also due to never having been taught or expected to do so.

Teenagers are naturally self-centred. I do think it's their parents job to be teaching them not to be. And if they've not yet learned then at 16 then they still need teaching.

lljkk · 02/03/2014 17:34

Sorry, I don't get the fuss.
My dad has 6 half siblings he didn't grow up living with & probably never did birthday presents or cards for. Just wasn't a habit. He's really close now with nearly all of them, too (age 49-71). And close to some of their kids, too.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 17:39

It's down to a large extent to parental expectations, and enforcement if those expectations. As a child, my parents would have been rightly furious if I had been so thoughtless, and would not have been slow to tell me so. The expectation was that we all recognised these events and made an effort.

It is my experience that in a lot of cases, NRP expectations of non resident children are low. And IME, low expectations tend to breed low outcomes.

BUT, and a big BUT, that does not excuse an 18yo, who has been taught to recognise other people birthdays, brought to shops year after year for this purpose, simply not to bother. They know they should but they don't care, simple as that. Ad who wants to receive a present from someone who doesn't care enough to bother?? It rather defeats the object. Its the thought that counts and all that.

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 18:57

Yep, nothing here either. We are expected to move mountains for dsdsbirthday but nothing is acknowledged by her. Not even Dh's which is the worst!

Original poster

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 18:59

I've mentioned it the last few years and nothing is said then if dh does say anything her dm makes excuses why she hasn't given said person a card or anything.
I've had enough, I'll not bother with hers and see if she likes that.
It annoys me cos I've done loads over the years for her and it's never appreciated.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 02/03/2014 19:10

Why does your DP need to involve his ex at all? Can't he just take it on himself to set out clearly to his DD that she is expected to buy a card/present/come round for cake or whatever you'd like her to do?

I do think it's perfectly normal for a teenager who's never really been taught not to care about her little brother's birthday. DP and I have 4 tends between us and there's only one of them I woul confidently trust to remember and sort out a present of her own accord.

The others aren't allowed to forget.

Original poster

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 19:13

purpleroses dh speaks to his dd which she then goes to her dm upset and her dm ends up texting dh making excuses for her behaviour.
I've had enough tbh.

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russianfudge · 02/03/2014 19:39

I get cards for DH and my dd then grab dsd to sign them when she comes around nearest to the time. Means I have to suck up watching her take all the credit but at least they feel like she's bothered and maybe, just maybe, it'll sink in that she should bother... Seven years and counting

Original poster

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 20:02

Seems like it's not unusual then. It's just sad that's all cos they should know that it's something you should just do, especially when they're older.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 02/03/2014 20:14

Her DM's getting defensive of her DD being told of though presumably.

She surely can't really get involved if your DP simply says. "It's DS's birthday next Sunday so would be nice if you're here for tea. We're not expecting you to spend a lot on him but would be nice if you could get him some sweets or something" And then when she arrives check she done it, send her back out to the shop, find her some wrapping paper, etc. It's that kind of walking them through the motions making your expectations clear I think that teaches them what is required. Better than just expecting her to do it alone, but knowing from past experience she'll probably not and then feeling hurt and cross with her.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2014 20:24

"It's that kind of walking them through the motions making your expectations clear I think that teaches them what is required. Better than just expecting her to do it alone, but knowing from past experience she'll probably not and then feeling hurt and cross with her."

Just saying, but none of this made a blind bit if difference with SS18, we did it for years, every birthday, Christmas, fathers day. So 5 times a year, every year, for 11 years. We have stopped now as dragging an n willing 18yo to the shops seems pointless when the recipients know he can't be arsed.

Original poster

Icantstopeatinglol · 02/03/2014 20:33

To be honest, we didn't expect dsd to come round but we went out for food and she sat and told ds that she would be round on his birthday. Which is why he was excited and has mentioned it the last few days!
Just think if you tell someone (especially a 6yr old) you're going to come round on their birthday then you should.
Gutted for him and feel like it's put a dampener on the day.

OP posts:

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 20:58

I think the overriding wish is that your loved ones feel loved. If the steps learn a lesson along the way then great but if you know they're not going to do it you either have to let it go, or just forge the whole thing to save the heart break of your kids and partner

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