So annoyed dsd hasn't bothered with her brothers birthday!

[Icantstopeatinglol]

I'm getting a bit sick of my dsd attitude at the minute (she's 16). She never bothers to buy anyone anything for their birthday, not even a card. A handmade card would do!! She doesn't even bother to say 'Happy Birthday'!!
My ds is 6 today and apparently she's too tired to come round.
I feel so sad for him!

Think you're right russianfudge, unfortunately. I can't see it changing anytime soon, as much as I'd love it to.

Like I say, 7 years and counting! You should probably decide if you're happy to keep up the pretence, or just let it go and let the kid learnt he lesson. The latter is probably the "right" thing. I so dsd no favours in the long term. I'm just not strong enough to watch the disappointment in DH and dd when dsd doesn't bother.

Think we've decided to just get on with things russianfudge and make less of a fuss on dsd birthday. I still feel disappointed and I said exactly the same to dh last night. Her dm making excuses and letting her get away with it isn't doing her any favours. If anything it's actually teaching her bad manners.
Ds hasn't said anything yet but he's been quiet. I'll just wait to see how he goes.
Problem is if we do say anything dsd doesn't come round for weeks. If it was one of my dc doing that I'd be having serious words, I've always had the opinion you should appreciate the people around you as you never know how long they're going to be around.
Hey ho, lesson learnt I suppose.

Yep, I'm with you on this. I've had one sd who, despite the "hip-hip-hooray" fuss made for each and every one of her birthdays (and that's great...as it should be!) has never, ever so much as sent a card or text for DS's birthday. One year, when she was probably 16 or so, she actually walked past him as he was going off to school then said to me, moments later "of, tell (DS) Happy Birthday". He was not more than 6 feet away from her, at the time. We don't see her anymore. Ever.

Other sd (now 25) and who always without fail has sent cards has for the past 2 years "forgotten". And every year, I get excited to shop with DH for their birthdays. Fuck it! No more!

Problem is icantstop, I'd rather carry on making the same fuss as normal because otherwise you are being "as bad" as her.

I can definitely relate to your dp not feeling like he can say anything else she won't come anymore. But to be honest, if she's looking for a reason to "leave" she will make it happen. She'll orchestrate a row at some stage. If your dp feels strongly that the birthday behaviour is not on, he does need to raise it. But I think there will probably be bigger fish to fry!

"Can't he just take it on himself to set out clearly to his DD that she is expected to buy a card/present/come round for cake"

Okay, so I'm playing devil's advocate here.

Expected? Really? She's nigh on an adult, there should be no being told that she's expected to do any such thing. That just bound to breed resentment and argument. Pick your battles etc, although I agree that if DSD agreed to be somewhere she should be there or at least have a good reason and apology for her absence.

To be fair to the young woman because we've only your side of it icantstopeatinglol, it has to be said that there's a big age gap between the two step-siblings (and that's all they are; for some people step-siblings simply don't feature as much in their life as full siblings).

Are the two close despite the age gap? Does DSD consider your son as a brother? Is your DSD part of your household or does she live with her mother? Do you consider her a daughter?

Do you like her? I have to be honest and say that it doesn't come across that you do entirely. I apologise if I'm wrong but could that, together with a natural preference for your own young son, be colouring your indignation?

It's sad eliza but doesn't sound uncommon unfortunately. I think a lot of the time when families are separated the kids are treat like some sort of treasure to be fought over (which they are I suppose). Unfortunately the kids pick up on this and feel they can do no wrong and can get away with anything.
I keep thinking to myself, what would I do if it was one of our dc as I don't want to treat them all differently and I know for a fact id be having strong words with them. They wouldn't get away with that sort of behaviour at all.
Dsd gets away with it cos if she doesn't like what we have to say she either spks to her dm who then makes excuses for her or she doesn't come round for wks at a time.
I think even dh has had enough now too.

thedevil you couldn't be more wrong. I love my dsd to bits and I feel disappointed as I thought she would eventually realise that even just saying happy birthday to her db would be at least a step in the right direction. She has a dss at home too and makes a big fuss over her which I can understand as she lives with her. But, if you tell a 6yr old you can't make their bday party (her ds and db birthdays are 1yr and 1 day apart) because you're at your ds bday you shouldn't then not bother on your db bday cos you're 'tired'. We'd said we would pick her up and drop her off. I purposely didn't say she was coming round because I had a feeling she wouldn't but she took it upon herself to tell ds she would come round on his bday to see him. That is what I have a problem with, and the fact I wish she just thought of others a bit more.
Dsd is very much part of our household but we see less and less of her because of her age and it is getting difficult as when we plan things it's hard to include her as we never know what she's doing. I think she's not bothered about coming with us anywhere but then doesn't like the idea of us having fun etc without her.

In that case I'm very sorry to have misjudged the situation (and you) icant. :)

"I think she's not bothered about coming with us anywhere but then doesn't like the idea of us having fun etc without her."

It sounds like you might have hit on something there. That attitude, a mixture of independence and insecurity, is quite common in mid to late teenagers ime.

thedevil I do try and think back to that age (many moons ago ha!) and I know part of it is just the situation and dsd just being a teenager. Dsd isn't a bad kid at all and I think that's why I'm frustrated. I don't want dsd to be forced into buying (or even making something) for her siblings, I'd prefer if she wanted to.
I had a good cry last night as I do feel so let down, it's hard as a sp as you're expected to act like a parent but when you try and say something, even small that they don't like it feels like you're being the evil stepmother! I've organised loads of the years for dsd, surprise trips to theme parks, took her to eurodisney basically treat her like my own as she is. She'll always be my daughter, just wish she would stop and think about her behaviour at times.

You can make her go through the motions and hope that eventually she learns that it's enjoyable to make a little boy happy. But you can't make her want to do something that she genuinely isn't bothered about. Sadly relationship between (half) siblings of different ages isn't always very reciprocal - the younger ones typically love the older ones, but the older ones find young children a bit boring or annoying and have priorities that are elsewhere, that is just part of being a teen really. So best thing you can do is probably to lower your expectations of her, make a big fuss of DS yourself - maybe ask some other family or friends over? And try not to get too hurt on DS's behalf if DSD doesn't care that much about him. It may change as they get older.

But yes if she said she was coming round and then didn't I guess you can pick her up on this and say that you're a bit disapointed with her and she shouldn't make promises she isn't planning to keep.

Yea you're right purpleroses I can't make her want to celebrate her db birthday. I know that now. I think part of it is that I feel so sad for my ds. After everything we've done for dsd over the years I thought it might rub off on her to do things for others. It just seems it's all about her.
Oh well, think she knows how we feel now so might give her done food for thought.

Same here. Although DSD is much younger. The Father's Day cards she makes at school get given to Mum's Step-Father!

Sorry to go slighly off-topic but it's kind of a related issue...we've always bought DSC's mum a present for Mothers Day on behalf of the kids (they make cards or sign a bought one). We were thinking this year of getting the DSCs to buy their own gift for her or at least contribute half between them. They each get £20 per month pocket money (£10 off mum and £10 off dad) which is not linked to chores or anything.

Would this be unreasonable? Just not sure as to whether the gratitude towards mum should be from the kids alone or from the dad as well i.e. thanking her for being his childrens' mother? Ps DSCs are aged between 10-16.

Not sure to be honest snoozy, we used to get presents for dsd mother for Mother's Day but it was never returned for Father's Day (plus a few other issues) then dsd step father took over (I think) as it should be as I think it should be from the kids not from your dp.

I think that's perfectly reasonable for SC's of that age Snoozy

Thanks for replies.

Natasha DSC's mum has a partner of four years but they don't live together. Why do you think older DC's shouldn't give up, say, a fiver once a year for their mum? Not challenging you BTW, just wondering about the reasoning behind it

Snoozy I absolutely think hey should be paying for their Mother's Day present, actually can't believe anyone would think otherwise . My DS is 5 and he absolutely loves choosing DH a present from his piggy bank money. That's the whole point of gift giving. Pretty easy to buy something with someone else's money!! Especially aged 16 FGS!

I think at that age Snooozy I would encourage them to sort it out themselves, but do no more.