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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Cant cope with this behaviour

49 replies

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:16

Hello

Dont know if anyone can help? Having major issues with my soon to be step son.

He is 6 and i really feel something is wrong (not just naughty)

We have my OH kids 11 and 6 every other weekend, the youngest is the boy and the one we have trouble with.

If we so much as say No to him he kicks off, screaming till he is blue in the face, kicking, punching, spitting, shouting etc. It took us 4 hours to calm him down before bed last time we had them.

I am strict so when he is naughty and cant say sorry etc he wont get his Ipod, telly or dvd etc to me behaviour like that doesnt deserve nice things etc.

i am just at my wits end, because the min they go back to their mum they are allowed to do what ever they want, speak how ever they want, get smacked etc and i feel we spend all our weekend telling them off, correcting their grammar (they are really bad, lazy) trying to dicipline and show them espeically him that dads house dads rules etc. They go home and cry and tell her stories which then gets her to text the most awful text messages ever etc. i have had enough of it really , im 28 we have a one bed flat so there is no room for all 4 of us anyway, so i knew it would be hard work just feel they are spoilt, if it doesnt go their way they kick off, well im sorry sometimes we all have to say no dont we? am too strict??

OP posts:

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JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:18

How is your partner with this? Is the discipline left to you or does he deal with hit?

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:18

.. it...

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:27

No its both of us, i let him do most of it to be honest, but the last weekend he was shouting abusive things at him and int he end out of anger shouting mummy told me to be naughty etc, see what we are up against?

The kids listen to me more then my fiance anyway, but nothing works, i try to get to his level when he is nauhgty, tell him why we dont accept that behavior put him in a corner to calm down, quiet calm voices etc, that doesnt work, shouting screaming doesnt work, ignorning it doesnt work - literally had enough :(

we have tried talking to the mum, to address the school as he has been suspended from school, tried getting doctor appointment etc she just laughs and either cancels, laughs saying good luck cos i am not signing or takin him anwhere etc.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:29

That sounds really difficult for you. How long have you been together?

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:33

Only a year, its been a quick engagement etc, he has been seperated for 2 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:34

she has stopped him seeing the kids so many times. Abusive text messages constantly and lying to CSA etc

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:34

I don't blame you for having had enough. I can't really think of anything useful to suggest, it's a shame you don't have separate places so the visits weren't always at your (joint) home.

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:41

thank you. we are always out with them long walks etc, parks beaches etc. we cannot afford to do anything with them due to her lying half his wages are now to her every month etc. hope he gets better with age, just hard anything we get into their head its straight out when they go to their mum.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 14:42

Is this a deal-breaker for you if things don't improve?

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 14:48

No not at all, i want my step son to get help, his anger is out of control he is too little to understand why he has these emotions and feelings, i want him to be helped, to know when he an calm down, i have tried doing our little family rules, wind down time before bed no hyping him up so to speak.

i find it sad that a 6 year old little boy has been suspended from school, his mother couldnt even let his dad know about this so we could all get together and sort something out. We are all grown ups, sadly the children are being affected by her beahaviour.

We (me and my fiance) want to have meetings with the school maybe every 5 weeks to dicuss any matters, all 4 of us (she has a partner) to have consitent behavour rules so to speak so we are all singing from the same page.

although last weekend i honestly thought about it, its hard i dont have kids, after speaking to one of my close friends she sometimes feels the same with her own kids so made me feel a bit better hehe xx

OP posts:

WaitingForMe · 09/01/2014 15:10

Has the school not said anything? If he's been suspended has there not been a meeting to discuss what's going on?

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:17

well we have looked on the school web site and according to their behaviour policy, the parents i stress plural should be called in etc, but she has never said anythign to him, and the school dont contact him its all through her!!

OP posts:

FeelingTheFire · 09/01/2014 15:18

He could be acting this way because he's in emotional turmoil and at 6, doesn't understand how to convey it properly - so instead is acting out.

How long have you been with his dad? Are his dad's first girlfriend since the split?

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:21

he has had a lot go on in his little life bless him, his mum stops us seeing him so much so one week he is seeing daddy the next day she has said no etc, he doesnt know whether he is coming or going. thats why i want it all to be consistent for him but she just throws that out the basket everytime we drop them off so feel like whats the point?

we have been together a year, i am the first girlfriend to be properly introduced and made sure it was gradual, but then when his dad and i decided to live togehter it was my place, my home, and only a one bed apartment which is hard

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 09/01/2014 15:24

I think you should take a step back and let your boyfriend have some time on his own with his son.

hercules1 · 09/01/2014 15:27

Op, you've only been on the scene a year. You need to step back for your own sake. You aren't a step mum and I am surprised you're being allowed to be so involved in the child's life. Is it possible to not see your dp when he has the children?

FeelingTheFire · 09/01/2014 15:27

I'd suggest with his mum about some play therapy - especially if he's acting like this in school too. Something is obviously bothering him.

With you being his dad's first girlfriend after his Mum, a lot of things could be running through his mind. He could be having a hard time adjusting to a new person being in his life and realising Mummy and Daddy won't be getting back together because Daddy has a new girlfriend. Being together a year is still very early days for him and a lot of change to accept. Not only the fact that dad has someone new, but his dad has moved in with you too.

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:28

i do they spend a lot of time together, its not even like he doesnt get enough attention from him, he still plays his dad up

OP posts:

hercules1 · 09/01/2014 15:29

I can understand why the mum is annoyed at your presence. You aren't bringing consistency. For your own sake, step back.

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:30

But his mum as moved her BF in, he also has a child, they do everything together the 5 of them ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:30

how can i step back when they are in my home, their dad has no where else to live?

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hercules1 · 09/01/2014 15:31

No wonder the child is acting up. I don't see what you can personally do apart from look after yourself.

hercules1 · 09/01/2014 15:32

Perhaps he needs to man up a bit and try to provide security for his dc? Ie move out and then reassess living together in the future.

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:33

i feel like i need to support my fiance though thats why im trying to get help etc

i think i will try like you said looking after myself etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshineandshowers100 · 09/01/2014 15:33

we get married in May why would he need to move out?

OP posts:

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