Cant cope with this behaviour

[Sunshineandshowers100]

Hello

Dont know if anyone can help? Having major issues with my soon to be step son.

He is 6 and i really feel something is wrong (not just naughty)

We have my OH kids 11 and 6 every other weekend, the youngest is the boy and the one we have trouble with.

If we so much as say No to him he kicks off, screaming till he is blue in the face, kicking, punching, spitting, shouting etc. It took us 4 hours to calm him down before bed last time we had them.

I am strict so when he is naughty and cant say sorry etc he wont get his Ipod, telly or dvd etc to me behaviour like that doesnt deserve nice things etc.

i am just at my wits end, because the min they go back to their mum they are allowed to do what ever they want, speak how ever they want, get smacked etc and i feel we spend all our weekend telling them off, correcting their grammar (they are really bad, lazy) trying to dicipline and show them espeically him that dads house dads rules etc. They go home and cry and tell her stories which then gets her to text the most awful text messages ever etc. i have had enough of it really , im 28 we have a one bed flat so there is no room for all 4 of us anyway, so i knew it would be hard work just feel they are spoilt, if it doesnt go their way they kick off, well im sorry sometimes we all have to say no dont we? am too strict??

I think everyone means step back and give him time to get used to the new situation. The disciplining should be coming from his dad. Not so much not be there but just take a step back from the situation and leave dad deal with it. You've only really just come in to his life.

The trouble is, you aren't the issue. The father should be parenting but he seems to be happy to co parent with you.

I totally agree with the disiplining comes from his dad and it does but because he gets so out of control, i try to diffuse the situation ?

It must be very confusing for a relatively young child to go from a house where there are apparently no boundaries, to one where strict boundaries are being imposed.

I'm not sure whether in your shoes I'd want to bother correcting grammar - it's hardly the biggest problem.

Whereas the kicking and punching is very worrying...

sounds like the boys real mum is using him as a pawn in her little game - its sad that adults do that. its absolutely despicable the boys real mum is telling him to be naughty - thats just not on - no wonder hes messed up.

can the dad not contact school on his own and explain the situation and ask to be notified of any incidents? he should make it clear no matter what he should be involved until he telsl them otherwise.

yes its a huge problem, he literally turns into the hulk, the eyes get bigger, his breathing gets faster, fists curl up, its like a fire ball.

peggy ... yes you are right they are pawns ! its not fair on the kids at all :( its so upsetting, i have my fiance in tears because she wont let them speak on the phone or see them if she is on one of her rants.

Your fiance needs to be a little more hands on with the school. He needs to approach them if they're not including him. He needs to book an appointment to go and speak to them to discuss his son. Don't go through the ex or expect her to sort anything out or agree to it.

If they are experiencing anger/ behaviour issues at the school, they could refer him to a behavioural specialist or maybe some counselling would help. He needs to explain to the school that he is concerned there are no boundaries with Mum and he is then struggling when his son is with him because he is volatile and aggressive. They may suggest he books an appointment with his son's doctor to discuss his behaviour.

He may also benefit from some advice on how to deal with his behaviour when he is kicking off like that.

He is an equal parent with Mum so he can do all of the above if he doesn't think Mum is doing everything in her power to help their son.

For what it's worth i don't think you need to do something as drastic as disappear when his children visit or your fiance move out. You are engaged and marrying soon. You say they have one to one time and you try and leave the disciplining to dad but are there to back him up and support him and his son ... like most partners would. It is unfair (in my opinion) to try and pin all of this on your presence. By the sounds of it it is down to His Mother's difference in parenting (no boundaries/telling him to play up for Dad), his Mum's hostility towards Dad (refusing to discuss their son's behaviour and exclusion from school) and Dad's lack of action (not being pro active with the school).

I would really look into trying to up size the house though. A one bed is not big enough for any of you. Y good luck.

Lol thank you Molly xxx

Yes the flat is on the market, just where i am at the moment, i want it to be bif enough for their bedroom to have their own domain, have a tv and their own clothes etc their room, so i am being fussy for their sake lol.

this is this weeks mission is to just get on with it phoning the school, getting a meeting in place to discuss.

thank you

Of course the kids need their own space and not to be cooped up ... but you also need your own space and somewhere you can retire to in peace. I hope everything gets better soon x

thank you x

It's great that you want to sort this out OP but it was far too quick for your partner to be setting up home and getting engaged to someone else. Given their mum's 'parenting style', they needed a good long period of stability on their own with their dad.

It's a lot for you to be taking on, I hope things improve for everyone's sake.

I struggle to understand how you know what goes on in mum's house - that these children are allowed to do whatever they want, speak how they want etc. etc. You don't live with mum...how could you know the ins and outs of what goes on in her home?

From a speech perspective, you know that small children often struggle with the basics of grammar, don't you? That they are still getting to grips with language at that age and will make mistakes? You also surely know that continually correcting a child will only serve to make them frustrated and upset: a speech therapist would tell you to model correct speech? If you are continually correcting speech, this alone could be enough to make the child angry and frustrated.

I realise you are living in a small flat but putting a child in a corner when they don't behave how you want them to? really? how would that make you feel? I assume you're seeing it the same as the naughty step but I'm just no sure it would feel like that to a child. Perhaps a naughty mat might be useful? You can still isolate a child and give them the opportunity to reflect on their behaviour without actually having them standing in a corner.

You also know that plenty of children struggle to manage their anger in a constructive way? It's part of being a child - they haven't yet learnt how to navigate their way around the adult world. Their boundaries are different to ours. Plenty of children with no real reason to be angry demonstrate an inability to effectively manage their anger at this age.

Frankly, if you were putting my child in corners and constantly correcting how they speak, I would have something to say about it. Not sure why you think any of this is acceptable.

I just wish I was as perfect as you that's my problem

Hi OP, before I married my DH I read a book called Stepmonster, it is very good and opens your eyes to the experiences of other stepmothers.

One of the biggest things I learnt from that book was that DH needed to learn to parent properly and not have me do it for him.

From the opposite perspective - my XH has moved in with his GF after only a year of being together. She is involved to a level that the children are deeply uncomfortable with, to the point that they are refusing to attend contact. She is hostile towards me for god knows what reason.

He (and therefore presumably she) believes my parenting is what causes the children's problems (one has behavioural issues, the youngest is clingy.) Therefore he tries to "correct" my parenting (on the attachment/ child led end) with authoritarian, strict behaviour. It's not working well for him.

We are attending mediation, I think it will be helpful. The children need and deserve a relationship with their Dad. They do not need a relationship with his girlfriend unless she is willing to be a good, supportive influence in their lives.

You need to back off, in the nicest possible way. You are not a parent, not an authority figure, and you do not love them. Relationships with kids take a lot longer than a year to get everyone on an even keel.

Good luck with it.

How would you feel if we corrected the grammar and punctuation of your original post? For your own good of course. (Some of it is quite bad. You're probably a bit lazy when it comes to writing.

Angry probably. (Maybe you are just a bit frustrated and want people to hear what you're trying to say, even if it's not coming out quite right.)

Then think about whether some of the things you are doing, might be making your partner's children feel angry..

If he has been suspended from school at the age of 6 that is another independent assessment that there is an issue and it seems a little unlikely that it is simply to do with the op that her DSC has these issues.

I do agree that for your own sake you need to try to let DH deal with as much as possible though I understand it is very difficult to not become involved when it is clearly having such an impact on all your lives. A year isn't really long enough for you to be able to have enough trust and love from him that you can tackle it without causing resentment. In my experience it takes years before the relationship with stepchildren is strong enough to Withstand much parenting from a step parent. You can however be a friend, 'aunt' like figure and a support to your DH.

I'd also agree that you/your DH should perhaps focus on the most important issues rather than all at once. Perhaps leave the minor things like grammar for now.

A good book to read is 'How to listen so kids will talk and how to talk so kids will listen'.

Sorry you're getting a hard time from some here. You sound lovely op and the boys are a damn sight luckier to have you than they would to have someone doesn't want them around. Your dp needs to find effective strategies to cope and engage you in helping to enforcethem. Sounds like that's what you're doing but maybe it's not working. Good luck op I'd you ignore the step haters that pop up here every now and again. The step parenting board can be a very supportive place. I would say if you only have the boys every other weekend maybe pick your battles carefully over what you and dp can tolerate and what you can't in terms of the kids behaviours and let the little things slide for now in favour of less conflict.

I don't think the OP is getting a hard time on here. I think it's been acknowledged that it is commendable that she wants to make the best of this situation and try to work things out.

However, there are a number of threads at the moment about the negative effects on young children when their parents rush to get into new relationships so quickly after marriage breakdown - not just 'dating' but full-on living together - and I think it's understandable and frustrating that outsiders can see this whereas those living it cannot.

I really don't get what the rush is in these situations. Of course, I wish the OP the best of luck for the sake of the children.

I don't think the OP is going to come back.

No wonder the amount of abuse she is getting, she was only looking for help!! You lot are awful people actually meaning to hurt her feelings, she is amazing i would be so happy to have someone like her in my kids life, she obviously cares so much about them both !! Shame on you lot!!!!

Did she even ask on relationship advice? No!! she asked if anyone had advice on bad behaviour, and if its anything like my kids i always try to get them to say words propper, water with a T thats how i read it, arent isntead of aint, you instead of ya! nothing wrong with that surely????