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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Drama at the school play! More than on stage...

28 replies

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:12

You might have seen my other post. But this morning all too typical event. DSS invited his Dad, me and Grandma to school play. The ExW, who is also planning to go with her M&D but wont "allow" DP to attend any school events, declares we are "banned" because of me so DSS sends text that I cant come and DP and Gran drop out too. So school drama turned into more of a vindictive-Ex horror show yet again...Have not responded to any of them. Is this best approach?

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 10:14

Exw cannot ban you! If dss wants you there then tell go. Sounds like dss has been put up to.text by mum or she has sent off his phone! Could dp talk to the school? Are there other performances so.you don't have to.go to.same one?

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:25

Yes ExW put him up to it. He was fine and sent us invite. Then after few minutes and speaking to ExW a new text arrived "banning" me! I also partially think F@@k her (Only one night) but then it will embarrass DSS if there are parental squabbles at his school and that's not fair for him. ExW has had similar approach to all school sporting events etc and intimidated DP into not going whereas before their divorce he went to many of his sons matches.

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 10:36

Talk to the school firstly but surely u r all grown up enough not to make a scene at the school?!

Dp needs to put his foot down hard with his ex and tell her he is still the boys father and he will be going to stuff and as his partner if you are free to attend and boy wants u there then you will be there too end of.

allnewtaketwo · 21/05/2013 10:37

Oh DSSs mother does this. If DH "dares" to turn up at a school event she gives the children hell

allnewtaketwo · 21/05/2013 10:38

Would she actually cause a scene at the school? If not I think you should all go as planned.

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:40

gives DSS hell for being "disloyal" and also makes scenes shouting and crying including in front of everyone... DP wont put foot down as hes afraid then DSS will not see him at all

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 10:44

Then only option is court for access and then put foot.down.hard.

She cannot ban your dp from stuff. Have you considered a step by step.approach? Dp going alone.and.gradually introduce you to them

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:44

btw too this is my DS school although hes in a younger year. and its got so bad that I have changed his school from this September. it included her spreading rumours about me and DP with a group of her and her friends and excluding my son from parties, playdates etc. (To give you a laugh btw this is super posh private school in Suffolk ... )

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Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:51

He has court order but she absolutely refused in mediation to share school events. DS is nearly 14 so his wishes were main issue for CAFCASS and he told - despite pressure from ExW - them he wanted to see his dad but not detail school events. I think its just been too upsetting for him. I went to a schools sports day for my son (I went alone) and contacted school as she had threatened to have me assaulted if I went by her friends and the police gave me a special rapid response priority. But frankly it was pretty horrid and I only went for my DS.
But yes more step by step would be better. I will discuss again with DP.

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 10:52

Wow I thought my dp's ex was manipulative!

Are the school aware of the issues? Is there anyway they could intervene or mediate maybe?

I whole heartedly recommend voodoo dolls or a punch bag with her face on it to exact your frustration! My trick was a cocktail night with the girls and a mass bitching session but being pg rules that out!

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 10:55

OK voodoo doll and big cocktail sounds like a good plan too!

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 11:10

Pls have a few large cocktails for me!

My dp's ex hasn't pulled the school events.card yet but she was seriously pissed off at kids st john presentation cos both kids ditched her and came for hugs with me (they need a smug look emoticon). The fact she was flaunting the affair in front.of everyone was sickening esp as imo she has traded down lol.

As petty as it sounds take solace in the fact dss wants u there even if he does get manipulated by the witch.

I had best intentions of being "friends" with dp's ex, idealistic view that it would be best for the kids but actually the reality is as much as I can smile to her face and be plesant I wanna smash her face in most of the time!

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 11:25

Glad I am not the only fool as I also imagined in my naïve mind that all would be friendly and civilised between ExW and me too! This was because I knew my DP as friends when they were married for a couple of years and it had clearly been very unhappy on both sides for a long time. She then asked for divorce and I thought she would be relieved and want to move on to a new happier life for herself .... but then we started dating - admittedly quite soon afterwards, but I thought fair as divorce papers filed - and she became incredibly angry and vindicative about "OW"and now years later still is and just cant stop being a c~~t but sadly its her kids who are suffering... isnt there a point at which people for the sake of their kids just let it go?

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 11:32

I hope so but suspect not!

The Exw had an affair, kicked dp out of their house and still expects him to ask how high when she says jump. She filed for divorce and is still with the affair. My an dp got together about 6 months after their split and about 6 weeks after I left my h...she hates the fact that I support dp and he has grown a pair and stands up to her now.

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 11:45

exW had a well established pattern of bullying my DP in their marriage that she still trys to use to control the situation through raging and weeping etc.
in fact, such is her drama ability and mental age, she should be the star in the school play...
I have supported DP and he has also grown his pair back too but I insisted he cut off all contact with her post divorce.
However she try to make the best of these few opportunities to make problems.

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BroomsticksAreForFlying · 21/05/2013 11:55

Is there only one showing of the play?

Think you'll have to go watch and not engage with her, tiresome as it is.

that's totally unacceptable with the other behaviour, are you not able to report her for harrassment?

I see you're changing your ds' school because he was being excluded, are there any local clubs that he could attend to gain a second social circle? Maybe dss would benefit too? sounds exhausting for a kids to live with.

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 12:10

Yes I would be quite happy to go and ignore her, but she will probably make a hysterical scene and embarrasses DSS (and us).
She was arrested and received a formal warning (I asked for her not to be charged) by police for criminal harrassment in 2011 as she attacked my DS (Then aged 8 years) and police called social services to supervise her. TBH she seems to have real mental health issues and that has also fed into decision to move my son. The French kiddie murder looms in my mind!
Yes very awful for the kids. DSS largely no longer goes home and stays at friends. DH has told him he can live with us if he needs too.
But just don't want to make it any worse for him.
(Wow lot came out about frustration over a school play...)

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BroomsticksAreForFlying · 21/05/2013 12:30

it's not really about the school play is it? she sounds a loon, and I suspect is more likely to attack your dss if he tried to stand up to her.

I'm currently focusing very hard to several mantras, one being that I can't change other's behaviours, but I can change my reaction. Tbh the only one who should be embarrassed at such a scene should be her, would you able to remove dss and ds and leave the super posh school deal with the loon

I guess so long as dss knows he's welcome, and the option is there.

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 12:42

Well its about school play today but this is just one long story. Mind you from the postings looks like lots of SPs have to deal with long term emotional fallout from these type of problems with Exs and the SCs... But yes she's hit DSS before and hit DP during their marriage.
Less super posh school and more like Jeremy Kyle (Her favourite TV show apparently)!
Well thanks for the therapy. Will let the play pass and hope things improve...

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elliebellys · 21/05/2013 12:47

Im confused.thoughg you hadnt met the children yet,nd that you dont want to.

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 12:48

got the official invite yesterday from DSS! very happy... then see above

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Original poster

ticktocktammy · 21/05/2013 12:54

ps after I was persuaded by MN (and discussion with DP) to soften up a bit! DP and DSS planned play and quick 15 mins in interval apparently with grandma brought in supporting role (we get on well)... mistake?

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BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 14:30

Certainly sounds like you dss should be living with u not his mum if she is that volatile. Has dh spoken to.social services or a solicitor

Ilikecandy · 21/05/2013 19:47

Am in a bit of a venting mood tonite.
Dh exw same mad bitch, but encourages me to come along to school plays and such like so that I may partake in the glory of her exquisite parenting skills, as any atom of talent displayed is clearly her work.
I had to laugh once, when old mutual friends of dh and ex sat down with us and chatted amicably and exw butted in and told them where she had reserved seats for them, away for us of course. I would have understood if the hall had not been half empty...
Now I use her weirdness to opt out of the rather painful performances

Original poster

ticktocktammy · 22/05/2013 08:53

the sad irony btw is the school play is incredibly boring and I have always hated them (even when my little "star" is in it)! should be grateful I guess I don't have to go!

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