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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to know comings and goings?

47 replies

alikat724 · 09/01/2013 21:37

Please help, I need to know if I am being unreasonable to want my DH to let me know when his 14 yo sold is going to be visiting/staying over. DSS's mother is a nurse, so I would expect she would know her shifts at least 2 weeks in advance. DSS comes and goes as he pleases, DH wants it like that and I can't seem to make him understand that I see it as a matter of basic respect to be advised. I would never attempt to put any restrictions on his visits - I just want to know! AIBU? Thoughts/advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotaDisneyMum · 10/01/2013 01:15

I would want to know too; and would expect the same courtesy from my own DD, but I know a lot of families for whom this isn't an issue and having to give notice of a visit would seem just as rude to them!

So, you'll probably get a mix of replies, half saying you are a WSM and hate your DSS because he's obviously not welcome in your home and the other half saying its disrespectful of your DP to expect you to live your life like this.

Sorry - not much help!

NatashaBee · 10/01/2013 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2blessed2bstressed · 10/01/2013 01:33

I want to know too! We are a bit more organised in that it is one midweek, and eow, but often on the weekends the dsds arrange sleepovers at friends, or decide to stay in town and go to MacDonalds for dinner....I don't really mind what they do, i like it when theyre here, but dont mind if theyre off socialising more as theyre getting older, but its bloody difficult to buy, then cook for everyone, if no one tells me what they're planning.

Booyhoo · 10/01/2013 01:38

surely his dad's home is his home too?

Booyhoo · 10/01/2013 01:40

oh yes i suppose if he's coming expecting dinners and lunches made then yes you need to know to buy food in.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 10/01/2013 01:53

I think its lovely that it isn't all arranged and there's an open house for him. Lucky lad having two homes where he is equally welcome.

Tell dh to get the shopping sorted and then its not your worry about food.

Theoldtriangle · 10/01/2013 07:43

I agree with missy, if dh thinks the set up is so great, he should be totally responsible for it too. All the food shopping, cooking etc. I used to be understanding and welcoming, blah, blah, but felt put upon eventually and this clouded my relationship to dsc. now dh has stepped up to his role as caregiver and all is well. I don't hand out keys though, so coming and going needs to be announced at least via text, short call etc, so basic respect provided all round.

purpleroses · 10/01/2013 08:23

If you're responsible for cooking or food shopping then I think it's fair enough that you know which meals he'll be there for. If he's just popping round at other times, and is used to that regime it would seem a bit harsh to stop it though.

My DSD does quite a lot of coming round, whether we're in or not, mainly because our house is convenient for her. I'm OK with her doing that really, as I want her to feel at home here. I find that it's actually easier to ask her direct when she'll be eating with us, rather than go via DP. She seems to respond a bit better to me asking her too - she's more polite than she is to DP.

allnewtaketwo · 10/01/2013 09:43

I think the main issue for me would be food. As I work FT I plan meals and get stuff out to defroat or whatever in the morning. If I then had an extra person for dinner there wouldn't be anything to eat.

I think it's manners. A mother would expe t her own children to let her know if they were going to be in for dinner or not. There's no reason why you don't deserve the same respect

theredhen · 10/01/2013 10:01

You're not unreasonable to want to know what is happening in your own home.

In a "normal" family both Mum and Dad would know what is happening. The reality is that Mum and Dad do still know what is going on, the difference is the step parents aren't informed by the kids and just expected to fit in.

This used to be a huge issue for me, but DP understands now that it's important for me to know what's happening so I feel like part of the home life, not just a lodger who cooks and cleans! Even if I'm not at home, he tells me who is there so I at least know who I am going home to, or not.

I also think kids in seperated families use the "both homes" as a bit of an excuse sometimes to avoid responsbilities. I don't see what's wrong with giving you a bit of notice before he turns up not just because it's "easier" for him to turn up at yours rather than Mums.

mumandboys123 · 10/01/2013 19:18

but why it is assumed it's 'easier' for him somtimes at one parent rather than the other? what responsibility is he avoiding? I don't get your point that mum and dad know what's going on but step mum doesn't if you're basically operating an open house policy? A child is surely allowed to turn up when it suits him? Surely he doesn't turn up at his home expecting there is a possibility he will be turned away? Surely at 14 years old he's allowed to make his relationship with his dad work in whatever way suits father and son without involving mum all the time?

I accept that it would be reasonable for mum to let you know her shifts if that is the time that your step son turns up as you obviously need to be aware of from a having food in point of view and for you to know that there's a possibility he will be there but if it's open house, surely there will always be that possibility anyway? Or is it the case that it's not really his home? I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that - but you will then have to accept the fall out with your other half as you're not accepting his son as having an unconditional place in your home the way a biological child would. But he IS your partner's biological child and it IS your partner's home?

allnewtaketwo · 10/01/2013 21:03

My home is that, not a hotel. My husband children , and step children, would all be expected to notify their comings and goings. Being a stepchild does not remove that requirement

Petal02 · 10/01/2013 21:14

Excellent post Allnew. Too many people are afraid to expect basic standards of courtesy from a step child. Like you, I also work full time, and prepare my menus/food shopping on a weekly basis, so I need to know how many people are wanting dinner each evening.

theredhen · 10/01/2013 21:17

If you are a "together" family nobody offers an open house policy because the child will be at "home" every night unless they are seeing friends or extended family, all of which would have a degree of organisation.

It's ok to have an open house policy when everybody it affects is comfortable with it. What is so wrong with a bit of consideration for the step mum here? Why does she have to fit in with what her dp, dss and dp ex want with no say in her own home?

If she were mum and they all lived together all the time and ds just didn't turn up for tea several times a week, I would say she would have every right to question where her son was and his lack of manners towards her by not keeping her in the loop.

This is step mums home too, she's not a lodger. She would be unreasonable to say her dss can't come but I don't think it's unreasonable to know when dss us coming.

mumandboys123 · 10/01/2013 21:33

OK. I get your points redhen, not sure I entirely agree but I can see where you're coming from. But who's responsibility is it then to 'inform' where the child will be at any given time? Is it the case that mum is refusing to liaise with her ex on the issue or is the OP's partner refusing to discuss the issue with his ex? Isn't it about mum and dad working this out and then dad liaising with his current partner as to whether or not that works? A child of that age surely is able to manage his own 'timetable' also? when is it 'too late' to let the OP know the child will be coming over? I'm not sure as a parent I would ever turn away my teenage child from their home because they were impolite enough not to let me know they'd be home for tea. I would tackle it, of course, but I wouldn't be telling them they had to find another bed for the night or letting them in but refusing them food....

The problem I see with it is that it's about being 'at home'. Apart from the food issue (which I get, despite what I'm saying), really a child of 14 should surely be able to enter either of his parent's home at any reasonable time? I am not suggesting he should be made welcome with hoards of friends or allowed to run up phone bills or put his feed on the furniture...I'm just suggesting that a parent would never question the arrival of their child in their home. Or would they? I don't know - my children are too young - I just can't imagine me ever suggesting that they have to let me know when they're arriving (other than me knowing where they are as a general rule and expecting them to have to eat at some point in the evening).

allnewtaketwo · 10/01/2013 22:38

Any child should be equipped with the manners to let a parent know if they intend to be at home or otherwise on an evening

Petal02 · 10/01/2013 22:58

As a previous poster mentioned, the majority of children with separated parents, tend to have a " main residence" with the parent-with-care, and then visit the other parent on a, for example, alternate weekend basis. So they live with one parent, and visit the other. If you happen to live with/be married to the non-resident parent, then the child will be a visitor, which doesn't mean they are unwelcome, but nevertheless a non-resident. In which case it's entirely reasonable to be given notice if the child is coming over for dinner.

To put It in a different context - my Mum is always welcome at our house, but I always like to know if she's on her way over, expecting a meal!

allnewtaketwo · 10/01/2013 23:01

Yes equally I would always like to know who is staying at our house on any given evening. Its just common courtesy

ladydeedy · 11/01/2013 17:11

Agree with allnew. Well said. Not least because we may be doing something/going out etc! I think it's just manners.

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 21:05

I thought that it was just me...

Two DSC 12 and 19. They rarely tell us when they are coming or going and the most irritating thing happend a couple of weekends ago when we were informed 10 minutes before they left that their mother was picking them up! They didn't even bother to walk from their bedrooms through to the front room to tell us... and we live in a bungalow!

It happens all the time, last week the youngest was dumped at grandmothers at 7:30am, in his pajamas, claiming to be sick. No phone call to the father, no call checking that grandmother was in and no text to me (I actually had a days holiday) How rude? He came to me at about 9:30, I made him have a sleep (no TV on) and then made him have a hot bath and get dressed. He was collected at about 4pm (day off shot to pieces...) and mother didn't even bother to knock on the door to find out if he had been OK.

It drives me to distraction that we have not notification of comings and goings, but I get looked at as if I'm a complete witch if I make a fuss. DP is so keen that they feel welcome that we're just getting walked all over. They are here every weekend and usually several evenings a week and eldest doesn't work, so there are occassions that I feel that we have no quality time.

I'm dreading telling them that we're expecting....

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 21:07

Sorry, meant to say - I don't think that you're being unreasonable at all!!

NanaNina · 18/01/2013 21:12

Alicat I'm wondering why you aren't responding after so many people have responded to your post.

ladydeedy · 20/01/2013 12:20

Maybe just busy? I havent been on here for 10 days or so. I think others are same?

Petal02 · 20/01/2013 13:17

DP is so keen that they feel welcome, that we're getting walked all over

Ewok, you've hit the nail on the head. Your average non-resident father is usually so desperate to indulge his children's every whim, that basic standards of etiquette and courtesy go out the window.

EwokStorageUnit · 20/01/2013 15:33

We spoke to the kids yesterday about talking to us and trying to impress on them that we weren't being ogres, or that we didn't want them to be here, but that we also had a life.

From what they say they get as little notice about changes of plan as we do. Means a chat with the ex, but we've tried before and it makes no difference whatsoever.

Just going to have bear with it and hope that I manage to keep my temper (and blood pressure!!) under control.

Hopefully as they get older things will get easier....

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