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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to want to know comings and goings?

47 replies

alikat724 · 09/01/2013 21:37

Please help, I need to know if I am being unreasonable to want my DH to let me know when his 14 yo sold is going to be visiting/staying over. DSS's mother is a nurse, so I would expect she would know her shifts at least 2 weeks in advance. DSS comes and goes as he pleases, DH wants it like that and I can't seem to make him understand that I see it as a matter of basic respect to be advised. I would never attempt to put any restrictions on his visits - I just want to know! AIBU? Thoughts/advice greatly appreciated.

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thelionessrichie · 21/01/2013 13:51

Struggling with this one myself at the moment... on one hand I feel like it's my DSD's home too - and if she lived here full time she would come and go as she pleased (as will my DD when she grows in to a teenager) but on the otherhand I hate when the untidy, sulky lummox appears on my sofa without warning when I'd planned (for example as with yesterday) to spend the afternoon in my PJs on the sofa watching the eastenders omnibus. I guess if it was my DD I'd be happy to share that time with her.. which is the sasd thing as to me DSD just gets in the way

DP doesn't really see the problem as he always wants her around. But even he is getting a bit pissed off with it at the moment as he's expected to do the driving around/ station pick ups etc. at the drop of a hat!

EwokStorageUnit · 21/01/2013 21:40

I hear your pain Lioness!

Days off, days with my family all ruined because nobody thinks to tell me that I need to provide childcare during school holidays , however to say too much is to provoke guilt ridden discussions and sad eyes and me feeling like a complete witch...

Oh, I don't know, if anyone has the answer, please let me know!

Libby10 · 22/01/2013 17:00

I'm really torn about this one at the moment. We have always lived close to DP's ex and the kids school and there has always been a certain amount of drift with kids picking stuff up/dropping by on way to town etc which I've mostly been fairly relaxed about because I do want them to feel our home is their home.
But last summer DP's ex moved slightly further away (25 min walk) and drops and picks up SD at our house on "her" days. Most days this doesn't affect me but I do work at home some days and have started to find it more and more irritating as SD ends up spending 30-45mins at our house in the morning and anything from 2-4 hours in the afternoon (she is in the 6th form). I don't see why she can't walk to school/get a bus. DP spoke to her about it just before Xmas and she said she didn't want to walk to school in the dark. I keep trying to tell myself to let it go but it is one of those things that I've completely lost perspective on so would like to hear what other people think.

Nicky1306 · 24/01/2013 10:12

Hmmm I have two DSD and they both have keys we have scheduled visits once a week and EOW and in between they come and go as they please....... I like it that way and it works for us.
I want them to know this is their home just as much as its mine, DP's and DD's x x

allnewtaketwo · 24/01/2013 10:45

Nicky what do you do if they literally turn up just before mealtime though? Do you just always have to make spare in case they show up? Or do you eat frozen food so there's always something that can be heated up??

Nicky1306 · 24/01/2013 11:36

To be honest it's never happened but it wouldn't be a problem if it did....I cook from scratch and usually make too much so there would be enough to go round. If there wasn't there's always either fresh food in the fridge I can chuck together to make them something, or there are leftovers in the freezer which I have frozen ( spag Bol, curry, chilli) so I could get them a dinner together pretty easily.
If this doesnt apply to you how about getting some quick stuff in? Waitrose do nice frozen filled pasta which can be cooked from frozen in 5 mins, spare garlic bread in the freezer and a jar of pasta sauce and you've got a meal in 15 mins

X x

allnewtaketwo · 24/01/2013 11:55

It doesn't apply to me personally as we still have the access schedule strictly in place.

But this just dropping in before mealtimes really wouldn't work for me. We both work full time so I have to be very organised, also I meal plan in advance so don't just have bits of spare food lying around ready to eat. Also I wouldn't like a situation whereby I'm making a separate (even if quick) meal for a teenager who doesn't have the manners to let me know in advance they'll be in for dinner. Really bad precedent imo. I certainly wouldn't have got away with this myself as a teenager

theredhen · 24/01/2013 12:02

I wouldn't want a teen turning up unexpectedly at grandparents or friends homes and expect dinner. I know my home is their home too but I think it's just teaching them that everyone will accomodate their wishes (not needs) just because THEY feel like eating somewhere else that evening. Teenager are naturally entitled at the best of times, this just encourages it all the more, in my opinion. Teens need to learn courtesy and this isn't a way to teach them that.

thelionessrichie · 24/01/2013 13:06

Yes, the dinner thing should apply to ALL teenagers. It doesn't here though... I even ask her if she wants dinner but she doesn't reply, then arrives hungry when I've just cleared away our meal. Completely rude. But I have learned to pick my battles to be honest. It's not my job to ensure that she doesn't grow up to be more of an entitled selfish madam and if mum and dad haven't got the balls to teach her manners then I'm not about to be the "bad guy"

allnewtaketwo · 24/01/2013 14:06

The thing is, it will be our problem because they turn from being selfish children into being selfish adults and they will be in our lives forever

Petal02 · 24/01/2013 14:34

The thing is, it will be our problem because they turn from being selfish children into being selfish adults and they will be in our lives forever

Quite. When you find you?ve got an entitled 25 yr old turning up whenever he/she feels like it, whether it?s convenient or not, and demanding a meal, that?s when you realise you should have (tried to) put your foot down years ago ?..

If it?s your bio child, you?re quite within your rights to say that if we don?t know your movements on a particular evening then don?t expect a meal, but as a step child is usually ?above the law? then common sense and courtesy won?t apply.

purpleroses · 24/01/2013 16:37

I still think if you're the person cooking then it has to be absolutly ok to ask a DSC directly when they'll be in to eat. Mostly I agree that you want to leave disciplining etc to their parent wherever possible but this isn't about discipling - it's about two adult or nearly adult people (you and the DSC) negotiating what works for them. If it matters to you to know when they'll be in for dinner then ask them direct to tell you.

elliebellys · 24/01/2013 21:03

Think if it keeps happenin,just tell them straight if they expect food then it will have to be something like sandwiches or beans on toast etc.if they moan then they might think bout actually lettin you know in future.they should soon learn.

thelionessrichie · 25/01/2013 08:15

Yeah, I know all that. I just can't be doing with it. I focus in parenting my child now, dsd has two parents and if they can't be arsed then I'm not going to give myself a breakdown over it

EwokStorageUnit · 25/01/2013 10:19

DSC are particularly faddy eaters and it drives me beserk that we usually have to do separate meals for them - and one of them will rarely eat that.

I'm trying to pull back from it and let the parents do the parenting, but the attitudes infiltrate my life and stress me out.

allnewtaketwo · 25/01/2013 10:47

Same here Ewok. DSS2 eats normally but DSS1 is so picky and there is a long list of foods he doesn't eat. As a result tbh they get the same old tinned
crap stuff for lunchtime which is not how we eat at all, so 2 different meals at the same sitting. I will not pay for food he won't eat, nor will I watch a 17yo picking at food. It is not my job to bring him up to eat a more varied diet. But it doesn't stress me out any more (that bit anyway!!)

EwokStorageUnit · 25/01/2013 15:59

I think one of DSC will turn into a chicken nugget and the other a pizza!

...here's hoping, then woofer might make them disappear if they accidentally fell on the floor!!

thelionessrichie · 26/01/2013 09:07

I just get pasta and sauce in so I can make that. Again, have given up worrying about her diet and weight. I do get annoyed by the two pounds that has to be found for school dinner the next day because she refuses a packed lunch even though the rest if the family has packed lunch because we can't afford the alternative.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/01/2013 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 26/01/2013 10:03

I didn't just 'drop in and out' of my own home as I wished though, I had a responsibility to let my parents know of my comings and goings.

I would have thought that this is particularly important for a child with 2 residences. If they just come and go as they please without ever notifying anybody, then how does anyone ever know that they're ok/safe, quite apart from the manners aspect. In theory they could go missing for days and no-one would know, just assuming they are 'coming and going' at their other residence

EwokStorageUnit · 26/01/2013 10:26

I agree with All New, and its a discussion I've tried to have. We live in quite a rural location and as I asked DP last week "is X supposed to be here, do I need to send out a search party or call the police?".

They all think I'm paranoid, but if the child got hit by a car and was lying in a ditch at what point would the alarm be raised if nobody has the decency to tell us where they're going to be??

Petal02 · 27/01/2013 14:40

That's a really god point -we also live in a rural location, and if no one knew where DSS was supposed to be, then it could easily be assumed he was with the other parent, when in fact he was upside down in a ditch.

DSS is about to take his driving test, which should make everyone's life easier - and the plan is that visits will operate on an adhoc basis, but I'd still like some warning if he's coming over expecting a meal. At least I can ensure I'm not walking round in the nude ( god forbid!) and that there's enough food for an extra person.

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