I know this is a silly question to ask as i know deep down a lilttle bit of my heart will always cry.
It has been over 2 years since that first awful niggling feeling that maybe something wasn't quite right with DS.
It has taken all this time to finally hear the name of DS'problems. "ASD" as we were told by paed. back on the 15th of april.
So it's been 6 months and it still hurts.
The first two/three months were awful, i thought i was going bonkers, kept crying, didn't sleep well, i was obsessed with trying to find info , anything that would tell me for sure that DS did or preferably didn't have asd. I couldn't stand it and i was frantic looking for? answers? ...i'm not sure what i was looking for exactly. All i know is i dreamed, lived and breathed asd.
Then as weeks went by the more i was accepting it, the easier it became, less tears, more understanding, less panic.
But each and every time we get a report and i read "ritualistic and obsessive behaviours" or "autistic features" to describe my DS i fall apart again.
The big crunch was the GARS.2 test on wednesday, and when we heard "he scores 124 , that's a 95 % likelyhood it's asd."
My heart broke again. Why? It's not like it 's new by now , but it still hurts when i sit and start to think about DS , his present and future difficluties, it all get too much and i just start to cry again.
Am i just an over sensitive weakling? or do you feel the same too sometimes?
And ds1 who is 16 y, and nt, really cried today (i heard him weeping in his room and thought his girlfriend had broke with him!).
When he did agree to speak to me, he told me he was upset because his little bro has asd.
And it's hard and unfair!
DS1 is worried that Ben will be like C when he is older and it makes him sad (C has HFA and is in ds1's class), and people will think he is just so weird. Because that's how DS1 thought of C before he knew he had HFA.
... (ds1 does like C btw, but he can't accept that his brother will be facing similar difficulties when he gets older)
It's complicated! I tried my best to cheer him up , and explain that HFA isn't the end of the world, and that DS2 will not be exactly like C as he is his own unique self just as anyone else.
Sorry for such a long post, had to get it out...