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SN children

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Original poster

I've cried, gotten angry, and now I'm doubting myself

27 replies

justsohurt · 30/11/2008 17:31

I have namechanged as I'm ashamed about this, if you recognise me please don't say.

Last night DP dropped a bombshell. Both his parents (seperated and don't talk to each other) have raised the issue on more than one occasion that DD's lack of language and possible ASD is my fault.

from his mum, who I trusted and have always found to be very supportive

'she did have post natal depression'
'Just look at how she runs the house, it does make you wonder'

from his dad, who is a bit of a loon really.

'there's no other explanation'
'how do we know what she does all day with the children?'

OP posts:

Original poster

justsohurt · 30/11/2008 17:31

Do my parents, our best friends all think the same but daren't say it?

OP posts:

Original poster

justsohurt · 30/11/2008 17:32

my parents and our best friends , sorry

OP posts:

madmouse · 30/11/2008 17:35

oh babe you know better honest you do, you just need to calm down long enough to do so.

leave them to it.

If they want to be the only people left on the planet who still think mums cause ASD then they are a lost cause.

But no kidding, you must feel very hurt and betrayed, as all the time when she seemed supportive you now wonder what she has been saying behhind your back or thinking while not saying it to you.

where does dp stand on all this?

TotalChaos · 30/11/2008 17:37

Sorry the in-laws are so covertly unsupportive. My father in law once told DH that he reckoned that they talked to DH more than I talked to DS (i.e. an undercurrent of blaming me ). I think unfortunately some people who don't understand SN try and cling to an explanation that is easier for them without taking into account parents' feelings. Don't ever doubt yourself.

saadia · 30/11/2008 17:38

That is just crazy they don't know what they're talking about. I have a friend whose ds is on the spectrum and she worried that it was because she didn't talk to him enough as a baby. The experts assured her that that had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Original poster

justsohurt · 30/11/2008 17:40

DP said he was furious with them and put them straight, but he was worried to tell me.

now I think about it his mum is forever saying 'just talk to him all day' which just wound me up really, but maybe she meant more by it.

OP posts:

cyberseraphim · 30/11/2008 18:33

Unfortunately GPs do often invent other reasons for a child's delays. It's their way of protecting themselves from having to face up to reality. It would not matter if you lived in an Ideal Home magazine and had all the children on intensive hothousing programs - They would still find ways to avoid admitting a grandchild may have developmental problems.

lingle · 30/11/2008 18:39

I'm glad at least that your DP gave them a piece of his mind.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 30/11/2008 19:29

Sounds like they're in total denial.

I was blamed for it as well. For talking too much, and also for not talking enough. (My response: make your mind up; which is it???). For babying ds1.

Now ds1 is 9 and still non-verbal these people have mostly shut up and just stand around looking useless but we do occasionally still get moments when people need to be told to tune into Reality FM.

bullet123 · 30/11/2008 20:27

You musn't feel ashamed. You're not responsible for your inlaws being completely out of touch with reality.

coppertop · 30/11/2008 20:51

I heard similar things too. Ds1 apparently didn't talk because I neglected him and had no social awareness because I didn't take him to enough toddler groups.

I'm glad your dp stood up to them.

You've done nothing wrong and you're absolutely not to blame. xxx

misscutandstick · 30/11/2008 21:56

It must be so hurtful to hear those things - even tho you absolutely know that this is just the way your daughter is.

They are 'old' and stuck in their ways, with an outdated point of view, and severe lack of understanding... but this is no excuse for saying the things they do.

I kinda feel the same way when my MIL (a very 'old in the head' person) more-or-less calls DS5 a 'sub-normal' and a 'retard' which i find unbeleivably offensive... but i look at my child and see a loving, kind, happy little boy and think "i pity her, she cant see whats really there."

Im sure you see no less in your daughter, its a pity your MIL cant see past her prejudice of fault-finding, when there simply isnt one.

XXX

misscutandstick · 30/11/2008 21:59

sorry if ive offended anyone by using those words. She doesnt say those words in a spiteful way, she has a way of saying it with a smile on her face like if she smiles then its not as bad

PPS didnt mean to hyjack, just wanted to let you know that im sure that a lot of MIL's are the same... basically a bit crap.

RaggedRobin · 30/11/2008 22:05

how very hurtful. so sad to see that you feel ashamed too - it's your PILS who should feel ashamed. good for your dp for ot letting them get away with their silliness.

Hassled · 30/11/2008 22:14

My MIL blames DS2 and DS3's Dyspraxia on the fact that I was "well into my thirties when I had them". The fact that DS1 and DD (with a different father) are NT has passed them by.

They are nuts, as are your ILs - I know how hard it seems, and that it will be something you will still occasionally get livid about in 20 years' time, but please try to dismiss it as the ravings of ill-educated loons. As long as your DP is on your side, you can just move on, smile sweetly through gritted teeth and ignore, ignore, ignore.

moondog · 30/11/2008 22:18

What vile ignorant insensitive arses.

lingle · 01/12/2008 09:16

Might it help to write a letter to them? Handwritten? Perhaps just to be drafted, not sent?

Miscutandstick - I can almost see your MIL's smile. Unfortunately it is one I'm also on the receiving end of sometimes.

TinySocks · 01/12/2008 09:27

That is so hurtful, but you know how wrong they are, don't you?
I am glad your DH stood up for you. Please just ignore them. It is NOT your fault. It is not worth losing sleep over.
xxx

amber32002 · 01/12/2008 11:15

No, it's nothing whatsoever to do with parents neglecting their child, though if a parent did neglect their child totally, they might well withdraw and be unable to talk - but that's the sort of neglect where it ends up in the tele, and you'd have to lock them in a room alone for just about their whole lives to achieve it!!

If you put us into a scanner thingy, you can see the differences in brain wiring and how the brain works. It's built like it. It's as silly as them saying that your child having a particular colour eyes or a particular colour hair is because you 'caused' it by neglecting them. Feel free to tell them so, too.

Hugs, and a large cup of tea.

kettlechip · 01/12/2008 13:30

Totally agree with tinysocks, and everyone else. Their comments are born of ignorance. Unfortunately my inlaws can be similarly tactless, I think they are from a generation where ASD's were barely acknowledged, let alone understood, but it doesn't help when you feel so vulnerable. Hugs to you

thenewme · 01/12/2008 13:32

They are talkiong crap. Kids don't care about the state of the house as long as they are fed, clothed, warm and loved.

Deeeja · 01/12/2008 14:37

What total and utter crap.
My in-laws do this, and then talk to my ds3 in a very loud voice. They also think that my ds2 has a dx of asd because we somehow encouraged the consultant to give the dx, or that we encouraged ds2 to be asd. Bunch of nutters these people are.
When this happens I just tend to retreat into my special asd bubble. Much nicer place to be, when the sane people live.
Take no notice!
THEY ARE MAD!

ThePeachyPlumFairy · 01/12/2008 14:45

agree with the others

apparently ds1 was neglected and ds3 indulged (annd the other 2?) cant do right for doing wrong!

theyre panicking that its their genes, worried about their gd and hittg ut- at someone hurting more than them! bad form but cut them slack, threy probably feel like sods already

feelingbitbetter · 01/12/2008 15:11

I think it is human nature to try and find a reason for everything. I think it is even more true of the, ahem....older generation.
Try not to take it to heart (not easy, I know). Either it is part of their process of accepting (which is difficult enough) or they are completely mental.
Whatever. It doesn't matter coz you know it can't possibly be your fault. Or anyone elses for that matter.
As for the 'look how she runs the house' comment - she's welcome round at mine any time if you ever want elevating to the role of 'yummy mummy meets domestic godess'. I don't give two hoots about my house. It is my home, its er, shall we say, lived in (when we're not in hospital) and messy and there is always washing strewn here, there and everywhere.
You are fine.
They are wrong. It's hurtful. But they are wrong. Don't forget that xx

lingle · 01/12/2008 18:35

just rereading - the dad is a loon so his comments will be easier to ignore. But you trusted the mum so that's much harder.

It would be a shame to lose the relationship with the mum completely. Would you consider letting your DP talk it through with her? Is her relationship with your daughter important to your daughter?

Does she know that DP has passed on these comments? I suspect she will be mortified. She ought to be.

No, your friends are not thinking the same thing. That's not what the 20/30/40 something generation think about autism. It's the 60/70 something generation who were exposed to that kind of theory in their youth. My mother claims that she "wouldn't want DS2 any other way" but also asked "he's not autistic is he?" in such a way that the only answer acceptable was no. So much for unconditional love.

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