I am so angry I'm shaking

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

We had an initial assessment with a community paed over three weeks ago, which I posted about at the time. DS is almost three and concerns are it's ASD.

We've heard nothing back, our HV and GP don't even have the report.

I've just opened this mornings post and got a letter telling us we have been referred to child protection.

Apparantly at the appt I smelled faintly of alcohol and didn't engage encouragingly with the DC.

I m so angry, at the appt it was me, DP and our two DC, it was mainly questions directed at us, for over an hour, in a hot room with no toys or distraction for the children. They were not interested in the books I'd brought from home. I tried to stop them grabbing the measuring tapes/ pulling rolls of tissue down etc, but could hardly be relaxed.

As for the alcohol, we had a bottle of wine between us the night before over dinner. is that a crime?

The letter also not only refers to me as 'mrs x' when I'm actually mrs y (we are not yet married) but also spells Ds's name wrong (trivial I know, but annoyed me)

I'm scared and angry, especially that resources might be wasted on this and not where we actually need them.

Useless f's.

WTF??!

I want to post more but I'm actually lost for words.

I sound like a shit mum, here I know.

It's that horrid feeling that it's all my fault. But I know it isn't deep down.

This was in a normal GP consultation room at our health centre, and we couldn't open windows. It was stuffy, and we all got a bit antsy by the end, what on earth did they expect (DD is almost 2 btw, so hard work in the best of situations)

Madness - no advice, but I am astonished that this could happen.
I behaved in exactly the same way at ds1's appointment and may well have had wine the night before -I don't remember.
Youn have all my sympathy - stay strong.

You don't sound like a shit mum at all!

The Paed's reaction sounds like something out of the 1960s when ASD was all blamed on so-called refrigerator mothers.

The set up of the appointment sounds dire too. How on earth can they expect someone to 'engage encouragingly' in those circumstances?? It also completely ignores the point that if you have a child with ASD it can be bloody difficult to engage with them in even the most perfect environment in the world.

Actually would it help if you could talk to your gp/health visitor - who eevr referred you? They might be able to talk to child protection? Have no idea, but if it was me I would start there. I would find it hard not to write a letter at the very least to the paed, but I don't know if that would help.

Drinking alcohol are and not engaging don't seem to be grounds for suspecting anything sinister. Can you contact Citizens Advice for a legal opinion ?

Ofcourse you are furious!!! They kind of need to hear what you just wrote!!

This really chills me to the bone. I had a very, very similar experience with a very cold (and pretty useless tbh) paed when ds was being checked up on after diagnosis. I also had a nearly two year old in the room, and they were so bored and hyperactive and charging about, and I was trying to discuss really serious, IMPORTANT stuff about ds in an appointment we'd waited ages and ages for, so yes, I was trying to ignore them to do that, and they loved being in a room with paper towels to pull and levers to pull etc, esp as ds is very impulsive due to his ASD and younger dd was a typical doolally, wilful toddler. At one point I was cross with them for pulling a curtain repeatedly. And the bastard paed said, 'You don't seem to be coping with them very well' and referred me for parenting classes with a fucking social worker. I simply ignored all letters and have refused to see that paed again. I was so angry and upset, but now I see how much worse it could have been. I am so upset for you AmIWhat and I would seriously considering contacting your local National Austic Society branch and parent partnership for help, and also engaging a solicitor. This is outrageous.

omg .

your thread has just shocked me! you poor, poor thing. that is awful. msdemeanor, you too must have been so upset.

i wonder if the paed has children?

Words fail me.

but sadly not very

I was seriously scared tbh, as well as angry. I LIVE for my kids! I fought for all his diagnoses (dyspraxia, allergies, ASD) and spend my life trying to help him make a success of my life. My children are all very affectionate, get read to every night etc - and yes, sometimes I am FURIOUS with them, and ds can he hugely, hugely trying. I am not perfect, but ffs, surely a paediatrician can see that expecting a five year old autistic kid and a toddler to occupy themselves quietly in a room without toys while being ignored by their parents who are trying to have an important adult conversation - well, how can you be a paed and know so little about children?

I would seriously get some advice - trying to think who supported me over ds's statement now? Anyone know the people who help you with statements? They were great and know their legal stuff?

I feel for you, that must be awful and so stressful. Probably all mothers of ASD kids have worried that doctors will think they are making it up to get attention or are just bad parents, it seems from your experience that we have good cause to be worried!
I am never sure whether to let DS2 be himself at appointments or try hard to control and prompt him, sometimes i probably seem disengaged, sometimes a helicopter parent you can't win. Don't let the bastards get you down

Sorry to rush off just now(minor domestic crisis)! Agree with others - maybe the HV or GP could intervene/speak to them. I have felt blamed for years for Ds disabilities - and eventually we were referred for family therapy only to get sent back (after a very long wait for assessment) with the recomendation that Ds be considered for a Dx of autism -so the referral I so feared ended up helping us! Oh and it sounds like we might get NHS nappies (DS is nearly 9) at last!
Sending hugs to you!

How awful. The paediatrician must be very badly trained. S/he's supposed to tell you face to face if s/he has child protection concerns that warrant a social services referral, unless it would be dangerous to the children to do so. If s/he was happy to send them home with you then that's hardly the case, is it? I do hope things sort themselves out smoothly.

I know it's not as bad but the HV kept insisting I must have PND to think that DS1 was autistic - concerns were mounting around the time of DS2's birth. Professionals do seem prone to fantasising.

oh God that's absolutely terrible and you must be livid, nothing helpful to say I'm afraid but just wanted to voice support as that could so easily have been me, even down to your ds' age. Hope it's quickly sorted.

sorry you had such an awful experience.

Reading this bought back awful memories for me.
I was in a similar situation and must say I know how difficult it is at these meetings.
For one thing you are expected to sit and discuss things in front of your children about yourself and your child which I feel is not appropriate.

My DS was present at a lot of meetings we attended and was always told it is fine to do so but not sure how much my DS took in throughout all those conversations and it is difficult to stay focused and say what you want to say when you are wary of what you are saying in front of your child and also trying to keep them occupied at the same time.

Could you ask to speak to someone else?

I did this and got a totally different diagnosis thank god.

I have always since insisted that I will not talk about my ds in front of him, and in fact write to any consultant before any appointment to say exactly that. It's a stupid, shit system. My ds has Aspergers and is very bright and very interested in adult conversations. I'm not going to list his deficiencies in front of him. How DARE a paed who expects you to do exactly that then accuse you of not being 'encouraging' enough.

So the fact that you might have been a little nervous and anxious and apprehensive didn't enter their minds, did it?