To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

This place has a lot of people who fantasise in their own favour regarding how they would deal with difficult scenarios as a parent then use it to give someone else a heavily judgemental kicking. It's self-serving AF. Pay them no attention.

Good luck OP. xx

It sounds like you don’t just find him disgusting, you detest him. It’s quite upsetting to read so must be even more upsetting to live with feeling that way. I agree with PP’s, try a different antidepressant. Sertraline is awful, so many people can’t take it because of the side effects.

Why do you need to be on ADs? Because you aren’t coping and it’s impacting you and your family. It doesn’t matter how rational your feelings are, if they are destructive.

I’m A parent to a child with profound SEND. He’s violent all the time, and destructive, unable to follow any instructions. I hate my life. But do I hate my DS? Absolutely not - he’s not being autistic on purpose!

Yes, SEN parents have drawn the short straw and it’s fucking hard but it’s not going to magically get better. So you need to equip yourself to deal with the life you have and stop being toxic towards your DS.

P.s I do agree that the instant removal of your sertraline has probably affected your mood. Glad you're seeing the GP.

@thegreenlight I think that 11 is about the worst age for ADHD and AU boys. Just when life is getting a bit easier for parents of NT children, you are still doing school runs, picking up food from the floor, cleaning up the toilet, and the shower! So many hours trying to get ND son into the shower, wear deodorant, stop getting dirty clothes back out of the washing pile.
It's just endless, dirty handprints everywhere, clean up the toilet, clean up food, tidy up what has been tidied and wrecked, have you done your homework. Rinse and repeat day in day out. 'Sorry i forgot'.
Judging parents, Judging teachers. Getting blamed, blaming yourself. Should we medicate? Should we not? It is hard.
On the plus side the shower situation just improved overnight in teenage years and now shower, deodorant and clean clothes every morning is the norm.

I never said I hated my son! Fuck me! He pissed me off last night and his disgusting habits drive me up the wall! I don’t detest him! Yesterday I was sick of him willfully refusing to comply with basic hygiene. I don’t care that he has autism, it’s no excuse for his behaviour yesterday. People are behaving like I’m new to this. I have parented my ND children for 11 years. Stop assuming my feelings because of hyperbolic language on a message board to adults.

Sorry things are so hard op. In terms of your DS it is most likely a combination of teenage hormones brewing plus the ASD/ ADHD. My son is a little older and was not dissimilar. Fingers crossed he is coming out of it and becoming more civilised and more pleasant. Pick your battles and make sure your whole relationship is not defined by shouting/ nagging.

Ah OP you’ve had a rough ride on this post. You’re right, the behaviour you’ve described is disgusting and boring, but your withdrawing from the ADs is affecting your response to the behaviour.

My son is very similar. I’d roll my eyes at most of the gross behaviour you’ve described or say “nope, not ok”. But when I’m off my ADs? I’d snap, I’d shout, I’d cry. And it’s not about the ADs making me more compliant and accepting of the general shittiness of it all, it’s about allowing me to regulate my responses which in turns supports my son to regulate. He is much more responsive to me saying “that’s gross, not acceptable - please stop” than he is to me losing my temper.

You’re doing your best, and this post is just a tiny snippet of your parenting. It’s you venting when you’re at your lowest. You sound like a very loving mum who has had to fight very hard for her child and feels like there’s nothing positive anymore. 11 year olds are grubby, disgusting little mites at the best of times but you’ve got it so much harder. This WILL pass though. Especially if you are able to get your GP to prescribe something else (I was on 40mg of fluoxetine last for years and stopped cold turkey at Christmas because I felt the same as you - I gave it three months and I was Not Coping so I went back on 20mg and it’s the right mix that I feel regulated without feeling like a zombie).

You don’t have to just accept his behaviour but you need all the tools you can to help you to manage it. If you’re sure that ADs aren’t a tool you’re willing to use, have a think about what is. Have a plan. And keep on keeping on because you will feel better about this eventually.

OP, I’ve been on MN a long time and it’s taught me that lots of people are really thick with poor comprehension skills, lots have astonishingly poor empathy and lots love the dopamine hit that feeling superior to others gives them. So ignore these people who are being judgey twats, zone the thicksters out and concentrate on the supportive ones. Because there are lots of empathetic and wise women here too.

Are you able to take a break from parenting for a bit whilst you adjust post AD? Do you have any support in place?

Also on the bedwetting - appreciate you haven’t asked advice for this but we are going through the same thing at the moment (even has ultrasound for kidney function yesterday). Are you using pull ups? We recently switched from pull ups to Tena slips (adult but size small) and the number of leaks has reduced dramatically and I’m changing the sheets weekly instead of daily. Life changing!

appreciate though that if you’re not using pull ups it’s going to be very difficult to convince as ASD child to start using a nappy. But wanted to mention it just in case.

Well done for reporting it op.

Before you go just wanted to say it was clear to many you love your boy and were venting in what should have been a safe space. It’s sad that people with their own issues have to kick others when they are down to find their release. You had chosen a much healthier option - to kick away from your son. Your DH sounds great btw: let him know you appreciate him as you need to be in this together. Good luck.

We all have those days @thegreenlight, I hope you are feeling better today. My eldest used to wear the socks of me this time last year, we are in a completely different space this year. My youngest will have lifelong enormous challenges with his ASD. It is hard and gruelling and we all have off days. I always laugh when people say they aren’t “perfect”, perfect is getting a first class honours in this shit, I’m happy on a solid 2.2.

No advice from me as I haven’t been on ADs and don’t have a son of similar age/profile.

But I want to send you positive energy and good luck. You’re navigating a tricky situation with your son and definitely his behaviour would make me mad too. Imagine how it would be at 14/16 if the behaviour was left unchecked.

Hope you're feeling better this morning, OP. I've read the thread in its entirety and while I can see why your comments might've caused alarm, because your anger towards your DS was palpable and I think posters assumed you talked to him the same way you wrote about him, if they took the time to read on, they'd see that you were at the end of your tether with parenting in general and that you calmed down and are clearly NOT abusive. I hope you can get better support from your GP.

I've said this before on this site but this kind of attitude is why we have an epidemic of entitled, badly behaved kids who think they can do no wrong.

ADHD or not there's really no excuse for OP's son behaving so thoughtlessly. And at his age he will know that.

OP, I'm sorry you're struggling. I hope you manage to get some support and things become brighter for you.

Op I do like the fact you are wanting to “feel” and are plucky enough to act on that. However I also know you do love your boy and your distress is stemming from that (and your fear for him that he’s going off course) rather than from real disgust.

Talk to the gp because you need to find a balance where you can stay calm enough to manage this tricky time. Hang in there oP: I’m astonished by what you are coping with.

Oh, OP, that sounds really hard for you. Sending a hug.

I hear every word.
It is refreshing to see someone so in touch with their feelings.
You seem a very strong and lovely woman
What you need , as a lot of help ful pp have said is ways to deal with the situation- strategy's to teach your son good behaviour (as much as can be taught).

If you look harder you will see her words also attest to how much she loves him. Ever heard how close love and hate can be? She’s scared for him really and desperate to get things on track for him.

She has posted on here for help ( with mixed success) and is seeing her gp. This is a woman who knows she needs support and is trying to get it.

Feeling that way about your own child isn't okay and you are going to cause him emotional damage. Children come first, you need to go to the GP and explore other options or go back on the setraline.

I've said this before on this site but this kind of attitude is why we have an epidemic of entitled, badly behaved kids who think they can do no wrong.

Sorry but I agree. I actually think OP is too nice if anything - I’d have got him out of the tub for spitting the 2nd time he did it and I wouldn’t be giving money for roblox points etc if he spoke to me disrespectfully etc. ADHD isn’t an excuse for certain behaviours when they are cogent and fully understand what they are doing. I bet if OP took his iPad away until he started wiping his piss off the toilet seat he’d soon stop.

OP - unfortunately you get a lot of people who actively enjoy sticking the boot in on MN. Best to ignore.

How am I going to cause him emotional damage? Telling him to stop being disgusting when he is, indeed, disgusting is my duty as a parent. Anyway, we had a lovely conversation about Ghengis Khan this morning, throat singing and what countries he conquered and the impact on the modern world. I am obviously on a different planet where parents never think their child acts like a twat, though having said that, as a primary school teacher I meet you fuckers all the time. You are that parent, take a dose of realism. Now you will all say ‘oh my god, she shouldn’t be a teacher!’ The children in my class would disagree.

Just wanted to say I don’t judge you, OP. It’s clear you love your son but his behaviour is challenging. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
coming off meds suddenly is really hard and messes you up.

no wonder you were having a tough evening.

all the best, op.