To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

Ps. Particularly sorry for throwing the term narcissist around. Your engagement with your emotions and the self-awareness you had in the midst of crisis to go to the gp is absolutely the opposite of that.

You’ve shown so many fabulous character traits on here OP. You were determined and brave to try to come off it and make a positive change, and then humble enough to accept when it wasn’t quite the right thing at the right time.
I think it’s clear to many what a strain you have been under and how committed you are to helping your DS. And yes, sometimes parents can admit their DC’s behaviour is disgusting. That’s not not loving them; it’s the recognition that becomes the first step in helping them to put it right, which is exactly the kind of guidance and support parenting involves. I hope you guys have a fabulous trip to Disneyland!

Thankyou CuriousEgg I was not in a good place, though I couldn’t see it at the time. I do, however, stand by the fact that spitting in the hot tub is disgusting - as evidenced by the fact that both of the filthy little buggers (including youngest who admitted to WEEING in the hot tub!) both now have ear infections before a 8 hour flight! Nothing I could have said, even in a dopamine absent rage, will teach them a lesson like the earache they currently have will. We are trying desperately to clear it up with drops and I must admit, the fuss the eldest is making when the drops go in would have been enough for me to throw him out the window 2 days ago! Thankfully I am now more restrained! I appreciate your honesty, and I also think it’s important to admit when you are wrong. I was wrong.

You've been on my mind this past couple of days so heartening to read your update. You've had such a rough deal and as I've said before, you come across as warm and caring, pushing and hiding your real emotions deep down for the benefit of your son. You came here to vent and be supported not judged. I'm sure you will want to try coming off sertraline again soon but in a slower less traumatic way. Sending love, big hugs and support your way...

This is kind. Respect.

This has made me well up!

Glad you're on the mend OP and respect to @CuriousEgg for owning it and apologising. You don't see many posters come back and say sorry.

Good call! You can still ease off it if that is important to you, or try something else instead, but doing it in a planned way will be easier all around.

Hope the ear infections clear up in time 🤢

I hope you get treatment that suits you. You were stretched to breaking point. You didn't to anything bad. You vented anonymously on a forum.

@thegreenlight haha your last post actually made me laugh out loud. The wee-ing would definitely cross a line for me too.

I’m so glad for your positive outcome thankyou for speaking out I have been checking this thread religiously! I just hope others feeling the same don’t struggle silently due to the negativity from others! What you did was a brave thing and you did not rise to the judgment of strangers that have no idea 🌸

Yeah I think this is a bold move by MNHQ. Or a random woman who works for MNHQ.

I think part of the issue is there are ways and ways of saying things.

I haven’t read everyone’s replies but firstly I’m sending you a non-judgemental hug because I understand how you feel. I have 2, possibly 3, neurodiverse kids and it’s hard. My eldest is 11 with severe ADHD and drives us absolutely batty. She cannot be unsupervised, ever, due to the awful choices she makes. We are on the very long pathway of diagnosis and medication because nobody has wanted to help us in overstretched services even though everyone sees it.

Secondly dear God I’m so glad you’re back on sertraline. I did cold turkey once and nearly killed myself. Get to a stage where you’re on a low dose if that’s better for you but after trying to come off it 3x now I’ve just accepted I cannot parent my kids without it. The challenges and the stress are too great.

Thirdly have a look at therapeutic parenting which is not as softly softly as it sounds, it’s very logical, and look up the NATP. It is primarily focussed on adoption / fostered parenting but the neurodiverse tendencies overlap and are found in many adopted / fostered children so the methods often work and it just gives you a new way to reframe things.

Fourthly is it possible you have PTSD from your dad’s death? The rage you show I recognise in myself (hence I’m firmly medicated) - your own trauma coupled with caring for kids with special needs is a nightmare combination and one I’m living with too. If you think it fits talk to your GP or get some private help.

Can I just say, I find your blunt honesty refreshing.
Every help page iv looked at is filled with these amazing perfect parents, who of course know exactly what to do, who never raise their voice and apparently know how to calm every sen child.

When the truth is something completely different, we are all struggling for that help and support..

We are awaiting confirmation of diagnosis for our 14yr old son, we have of course known for years that he was different to other boys his age.
Repeated pushbacks from schools an shitty nhs 'support' has now gotten us to the stage of a child that's constantly suspended from school (as mainstream school even with senco cannot understand or negotiate his behaviour) and parents who don't know what to do or where to turn next. A child that barely sleeps, but is growing stronger and more angry every day.

The only reason we have gotten this far (self referal to senmas) is because we have had a police incident with chad intervention... senmas wasn't even an organisation that I was aware of, and the lack of information from the school is now shown to be pitifully poor.

I don't know why I'm sharing so much..maybe it's loneliness in this shitty situation, maybe it's something else.

But I just wanted to say thank you, I have read all your responses, and I now know that yes, sometimes we need that venting pool, a void to let go what we can't say to anyone else in person, else we're seen as bad, abusive, evil parents.

I hate what this has done to my teen, I miss my loving son, who would laugh at fart jokes, who as a baby would blow raspberries on my chin and laugh and scream until he cried.

I love my son, much like you love yours

I don't think you have anything to apologise for op. We all have our breaking point and are only human. Not sure why people refuse to admit their kids can be dickheads on occasion (or several, regular occasions 😉). Someone can say things on a forum and not say them to their actual child after all!

After a particularly challenging (shall we say...🤯) day yesterday with my ds. I mean...absolutely god awful, embarassing, made me feel like a terrible parent, refusing to listen or even walk round the shopping centre without being physically lifted up, lying on the floor, kicking, hitting, almost kicking random people due to lashing out day... This was refreshing to hear.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better and hope that you can come off the sertraline in a more gradual way in future if that is still what you feel you want. Or that you take it to cope with what you need to cope with and make peace with it, which you seem to maybe be doing?

Not sure what I wanted to say really and I know this thread is a bit old but I am greatful to you for making me feel less alone eventhough I would not wish suffering like this on anyone.

Alas! We struggle on. And you're a fantastic Mum. You really are. Don't let people who have no idea how it is judge you for being honest. We do enough self-flagellation after all. 😅