To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

The first sign of anxiety and depression for me was shouting at my family for their unreasonable behaviour. It wasn’t them…
Your son’s behaviour does sound really challenging, but you being full of rage will just make everything worse as well as being a horrible environment for your whole family to live in.
If you can’t get on with antidepressants have you tried therapy? It might help x

My DS has ADHD and autism as well. I think Roblox is actually terrible for their psychological make up. My son also became obsessed with it too and became very aggressive in personality.
At first I trialled reducing the time he was on it each day but he became worse because he would get anxiety about when it would all finish.

In the end I blocked it completely using Qustodio.

I waited for WWW3 to start but it never came. Apart from a few requests to bring it back, he actually accepted it. His naturally happy personality came back.
His dad thought I was being unreasonable but I trusted my gut and never allowed it again and also blocked other games known for similar behaviour. That was about 4 years ago and he has been pretty good since and never returned to the games. He did become absorbed in Netflix but it didn’t have the same negative impact on his personality, so I was fine with that.

As someone who works in the field, I can confirm that discontinuation symptoms from antids can be brutal for some. So maybe that is making you even more irritable. I would consider slowing down before a sudden stop.

I don’t have your struggles with my NT kids. But I am as impatient as hell. I know I would have vented like you too. Good luck with it all. You must feel v trapped. You love your kids so you will never leave. But daily life is shit so you are stuck in this. I hope things will get easier for you.

Being a teacher is different to being a parent in so many ways. I am sure you don’t get so angry and upset about the kids in your class as you are not as emotionally invested.

Hi OP, I sometimes feel like hitting a wall about my non-neurodiverse children. Yours sound really hard. Solidarity.

I'm also an ex-sertraline-user. Read your first post and thought 'she needs to taper' but I hear you about just wanting it over with. Putting up with the fattening effect while feeling zombified stinks.

I hesitate to mention it as you've clearly got to be very careful with it, but I now sometimes use xanax to take the edge off stress. Half a pill no more than 3x a week, the less the better. But it works and feels like a treat.

Hope you're okay OP. All the BS people have written - they don't know you. You came here to rant and offload and some people have just been utter pricks.

Hope today is better for you x

OP, I am not dismissing your feelings. You have every right to feel upset and angry with what you have been dealt. But just for info, here are some symptoms of AD withdrawal which may or may not be helpful. Doctors should tell people this before they start meds but few do.

*Symptoms of antidepressant withdrawalIf you do get any of the symptoms listed below, tell your prescriber.
You may notice:

• anxiety which comes and goes, sometimes in intense 'surges'
• difficulty in getting to sleep and vivid or frightening dreams
• low mood, feeling unable to be interested in or enjoy things
• a sense of being physically unwell
• rapidly changing moods
• anger, sleeplessness, tiredness, loss of co-ordination and headache
• the feeling of an electric shock in your arms, legs, or head. These are sometimes called ‘zaps’ and turning your head to the side can make them worse.
• a feeling that things are not real (‘derealisation’), or a feeling that you have ‘cotton wool in your head’
• difficulty in concentrating
• suicidal thoughts
• queasiness
• dizziness (this is usually mild, but can be so bad that you can’t stand up without help)
• a feeling of inner restlessness and inability to stay still (akathisia).*

Hi all,
Just to say thanks to all the posters who reported this thread - to say we have been shocked to read some of the posts is an understatement. We at MNHQ would remind fellow MNers that loving parents sometimes come to vent, and that we have always held that the parents we should most be worried about are those who are not reflective about their feelings towards their children. A mum coming on here in extremis to explore her complicated feelings towards a child with special needs simply cannot be the target for some of the posts we have seen overnight.
We will be speaking to the relevant posters and would hope that we have tidied the thread sufficient for it to remain, but we will take our cues from the OP on that one.

@Calliopespa

why not?! It’s a very relevant drum.

this kind of behaviour is seen as ok for boys but not girls. That is wrong. It’s not ok for either a boy a girl to spit or piss everywhere.

Wow if you are having to deal with the fresh hell which is teaching on top of everything else going on I’m not surprised you are at the end of your tether.

OPi do get it. I've got an autistic adhd boy myself and he can be rather disgusting.

What jumped out to me is your son plays Roblox. I swear that game is evil it turned my child into a horrible devil. Too much screens has a similar effect but Roblox brought behaviours such as you describe. It's now banned in my house and screens heavily monitored and things are much improved (although still very hard).

Hugely disagree with this.

Behaviours that exist because of a disability absolutely are "excused" by that disability. Excuse is an awful word. Explain is more accurate.

People say it all the time.
Autism is no excuse for autistic behaviours

adhd is no excuse for ADHD symptoms.

You've just got to learn that your autism / ADHD is simply not acceptable. Stop displaying behaviours that are wholly caused by your disability. You're bothering other people with the presentation of your disability.

My sister is blind. If I was to say to her look, you're blind but that's no excuse for not being able to see. You're just going to need to learn to see anyway. Your blindness affects me. It's a pain in the arse to have to move shit out of your way. I'm sick of making sure everything is in the same place so you can get stuff. Last week you stood on my toe and it hurt. It's your responsibility to make sure your disability does not affect others.

Would that be ok? Would I be reasonable to say that to her? Would people be saying yeah, you're right, she needs to learn to not let her blindness impact others or put them in a situation where they need to make, oh, let's call it... reasonable adjustments.

I mean, it would be nuts of me to say that to her, right?

It's never ok to have the attitude that symptoms of a disability are unacceptable and the person with that disability must stop the behaviours that exist only because they have that disability.

I don't care that you're disabled when it affects me, so stop it.

Not ok imo.

Telling him to stop being disgusting when he is, indeed, disgusting is my duty as a parent. Anyway, we had a lovely conversation about Ghengis Khan this morning, throat singing and what countries he conquered and the impact on the modern world. I am obviously on a different planet where parents never think their child acts like a twat

You keep doing this extreme thinking where you say "My son is a dickhead but I am taking him to Disneyland, how dare anyone question my parenting! He brings me no joy but we have deep conversations about history and culture, see how passionate and engaged I am? He disgusts me but I position the fan just as he likes it - so everybody can fuck off telling me I'm not doing the right thing going off my medication!"

You don't need all the super parent stuff. Children don't need any of that. They just need their mother not to be fully of rage and emotional extremes. I am glad you are going to see your GP, and I hope you are really open to trying to calm things down for everyone.

Your posts are not very considered and you seem to have very black and white thinking. I see that lots of your comments have been removed. I hope that you have learned something from that. There is love beneath the pain in the OP’s posts. Try and see that.

OP I have read all your comments, but not all the responses, but have got an idea of what people are saying.

I have personal experience of depression/meds and have a ND child.

You're at crisis point. You need support.

The first place you should start is with yourself. You need to go to the doctors (talk about the depression, but could you also be perimenopausal?) The raging could be related to hormones, not just your child and/or depression. I'd book a double session with your GP so you can have a proper conversation. Explain you are at crisis point. I would also be looking at getting therapy to help you cope. Once you feel grounded and you've got your emotional and well-being needs met you will be in such a better place to deal with your sons behaviour (i.e. not turning his behaviour into your rage).

I also would recommend not holding your household to the same standards as whatever Social Media shoves in our faces i.e. forget the nighttime routine of pillow spitz, bedtime story and lights out. I've dropped the rope on having a perfect house, but one that's lived in by my ragtag army!

My child says No to nearly everything. I understand that you need a rant. If you are doing that anonymously on MN to express your emotions then fine. It's not so fine if you're raging at everybody in your house in real life. We don't know if you are or not, we are not there.

I hope the support is there for you when you reach out for it.

THIS
Is spiting normal?
Is that part of the condition?

Hi MNHQ - are you suggesting that we support and encourage someone rejecting medical advice in a way that may be harmful? Does it sound sensible to reaffirm and encourage someone who has been on antidepressants to come off them like this and encourage thought patterns in this theead that will harm the op?
have you received advice from a psychologist when commenting this?

Well when I taught SEN swimming there were two autistic boys who did swallow vast amounts of water then regurgitate the whole lot - usually in my face.

Then I know one of my NT kids would most likely do this to her sister - so in reality it’s not exactly ‘out there’

I’m a granny, and been lucky enough that my kids and GCs are NT. So, I cannot speak from any experience, whatsoever, about ND in children.

But, to me, you sound like a great Mum, struggling with a very difficult situation.

Children go through different stages, and they all exhibit unlikable behaviour at times. We all feel anger towards them at times.

And yes, I’ve yelled at them. And we all survived. 🙄

Your problems are worse, because your child needs a different sort of parenting, and you’re trying to do this through the difficulties of tablet withdrawal symptoms - which is hard, in its own right. Plus working. Not easy.

Try and get the help you need to try and find the positives and energy.

No judgement from me, just admiration at your determination.

Good luck.🤷‍♀️

Hi there CuriousEgg,
We haven't removed any posts that offered medical advice, we focused on removing the ones that were breaking our guidelines regarding personal attacks and goading but we can see from your response that we perhaps should have made that clearer.
In short, no, we are not suggesting that MNers support and encourage someone rejecting medical advice in a way that may be harmful (though we should probably remind everyone at this juncture that we don't check posters' medical qualifications in advance).
Thanks for the opportunity to clarify, Curious.
Best,
Hope
MNHQ

Your switching moods most likely had the whole house walking on egg shells. You might not realise it but when you are in a ‘rage’ the entire house will feel it coming of you in waves. This will lead to everyone being hyper vigilant to what state of mind you are in .

Go back to the GP, you’ve had solid advice of a mental health nurse and the effects of cold turkey off the drugs you were on yet all is good this morning. This is not sustainable for you, your kids or your DH

Some people choose to come off antidepressants cold turkey. And some do ok. It’s personal choice. Which is as it should be.

I agree
You ARE a very strong woman
The only way forward is learning to deal with your emotions.
You can't deal with emotions you can't feel.
(You can't heal - what you can't feel)
As long as you work through these emotions, and I've read all your posts op, and you are doing really well, you will come out the other side stronger and healthier.
This is the best thing you can do for yourself and your son.
Keep going op.

@thegreenlight
I haven't read all the responses but got the gist.
I have 2 autistic children and it can be brutal at times no matter how much you love them.
I truly hope today is at least a little bit better for you and send you nothing but solidarity.

Give me a parent who vents and is honest (away from their kids) over the sanctimonious types posting poems about time passing so fast, any day of the week.