To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

He has literally NO empathy, no interest in anything that doesn’t serve him, he’s horrible to his brother, pile on everyone, enjoy it as if I haven’t parented him effectively for years. It’s fucking frustrating that none of it makes a blind bit of difference, never has. I’m allowed to feel even though he has got conditions. There is NOTHING more selfless than the life I have endured having a SEN child. I NEVER put myself first. His behaviours ARE disgusting and listening to him have no interest in ANYTHING other than Roblox, no conversation, always asking for in game money, screaming when he makes the wrong move in a game is boring, even if it is his condition that makes him behave that way.

There are several different things here.

Your son sounds genuinely very difficult, but part of that is due to diagnoses he did not choose to have, and part is due to parenting and the environment he has grown up in.

Your current reaction to him is affected by your own mental health and the fact that you have chosen to stop taking the medication prescribed to manage this. You are clearly not coping without it and as an adult who is responsible not only for yourself but for several children, you need to speak to your doctor and discuss further treatment. It is not okay for you to just direct your anger towards your son.

There are many anti depressant options that arent sertraline. We all react to different drugs in our own way. It sounds like you need to get back to the GP and discuss your options. Did you stop cold turkey out of interest? You're supposed to come of sertraline slowly, stopping suddenly can cause lots of issues including anger and irritability.

I hear you OP. The judgey fuckers can go do one. You are facing something really hard and utterly relentless. You have clearly done everything you can, read what you can, learned what you can and practiced what you can. And none of it is working. It’s okay to rant and rail into cyber space. It’s okay to need some time out from your son to calm yourself when you feel pushed beyond your limit.
Not lifting a toilet seat but pissing all over it is disgusting. There’s not really pretending any otherwise, is there?

Parents can get worn out by relentless circumstances. That’s why parenting professionals talk about people’s levels of parenting capacity.

I don’t judge you. If there’s any support out there I hope you find it. Maybe you need a break for a bit too, a weekend away without family. Or regular breaks in the week doing stuff you like, just to get back to yourself.

You are at the end of your tether.

One week off the meds? OK. Maybe it's time to try a different one. Not so that you can be a zombie again, who tolerates all this shit. But because this is no life for you. There are other meds that might just suit you better, and while you're on a more even Keel maybe you could work towards some strategies for coping, helping your son with some of the worst behaviours. With a longer term goal of coming off the meds.

Whatever you need to do to get through this.

I am so sorry you feel so awful and things are so shitty for you right now.

I agree: a break now and a regular weekly respite is needed isn’t it? It sounds like you’ve come off medicine without perhaps any of the underlying problems changing?

I just stopped the sertraline, I realised that it was making me into an overly compliant zombie with no joy. I couldn’t stand to take it. I was only on 50mg. Why do parents of ND children have to be held up to such an unrealistic standard. He doesn’t feel unsafe at all! He needs to learn that some behaviours are unacceptable, I know about ODD, doesn’t make it any less fucking frustrating. Is this what we have to do as mothers of ND children, fight the world and end up on antidepressants with an 87% divorce rate and just take it because their ‘needs’ (as in never having to do ANYTHING they don’t want to) do trumps absolutely everything else, the other children in their class, their teachers, their siblings and their parents, grandparents. And helping around the house is picking up his dirty towels he drops on the floor and taking his plate from the table!

You need to go back to your GP.

I’m allowed to feel even though he has got conditions
This. Your pain in this sentence is palpable.

The erosion of self that comes from situations like yours.

But you do feel. And what you are feeling is utterly normal to feel in your situation, utterly justifiable.

Having to make yourself smaller and smaller as the needs of someone else crowds you out. It’s fucking awful.

Why should i go and see my GP! I don’t want to be on antidepressants! These are perfectly rational feelings! All those things are boring, or annoying, or disgusting! I have to be medicated so I accept them just because he has autism? That’s not the life I wanted and it’s not the life I deserve!

not saying his behaviour is not challenging, and you definitely need strategies to deal with it that will lead to results.

BUT
OP your rage and ability to deal with your son may be impacted by coming off the meds. It may be that your brain is adjusting itself still to the absence of the meds.
you say you stopped a week ago, how was you taper like? 2 years on an antidepressant, needs to be done carefully.

Have you just stopped the Setraline or did you taper down? I thought I’d tapered off it slowly enough but it takes months and I took a few weeks. I was very emotional and couldn’t cope with anything and had to go back on and taper down more slowly over several months and was fine.

It sounds very difficult. I don't have any wise words, but how you describe feeling is how I remember feeling when starting and tapering Citalopram many years ago. I feel for you.

You don’t necessarily need to go back on meds. But there are other things that may

help you deal with your DC’s behaviour

give perspective - honestly, the way GPs taper antidepressants is not ideal. From experience as someone in the field and a patient.

there are lots of experienced SEN mums around here who can discuss the behaviour and strategies, I won’t pretend to understand it,,so won’t comment on that side

I agree. People say go to the GP, but what can the GP do? You feel shit because your situation is shit. The GO can’t give you anything to change that.

If you have the chance to find stuff for you to do, that might help. In my darkest times I took up activities that took me out of my life and back to myself. For me it was active stuff. Is finding time for something like that possible for you?

Same with me, but escitalopram.

It was very difficult, it engulfed me with sadness and rage. I then decided to go at half the speed the GP told me to, and it was much more manageable

Yeah that sounds hard and relentless for you and the extreme self focus that occurs for some children with ASD that means everyone else’s needs lose out is totally draining, you are absolutely valid in those feelings.

The person upthread who suggested you might be ND yourself might be onto something because it is obviously so common and of course when 2 sets of ND needs clash which often happens it can be an absolute nightmare.

I agree with other posters though that you will need a coping mechanism for this and it is worth looking at other medication either for you or for your son to help improve the situation.

Opt for a lower dose. 25mg is a child’s dose.

Organise a medication review for your son

coming off without a taper is very hard, OP. Do it for yourself, not so you can tolerate your son’s behaviour. Do it in a way that won’t do this to you.

so you can then use this energy to find ways to regain a bit of your self back, and to deal with his behaviour that are not being on meds.

It takes months to come off sertraline. It's actually one of the hardest ones to come off according to my gp .even 50mg should not have just been stopped it's honestly probably why your feeling like your feeling definitely exsabating your feelings.
I really would suggest gp appointment ASAP to discuss what you've done .
I was trying to come off this drug for ages and eventually spoke to my gp who suggested swapping to different antidepressant and we planned how I came off that one .
I felt so much better and have been off them for a couple of yrs.The feeling you describe of numbness is how I felt so I do empathise.
Good luck and wishing you well

Is there any charity at all that can help you come up with strategies at all to deal with bud behaviour or give you more insight why with autism he is behaving in that way? Sorry if you have already tried? It’s like you need a step down from a social worker to come in and work with you and him to sort it all out, not sure if there’s someone or charity out there that could do a session with you at home or something

Without antidepressants I’m passionate, and driven and funny. On them I am better at putting up with other’s bullshit and allowing myself to go through the motions of life, putting my needs last. How have I shown rage? I haven’t told my son that he bores me when all I have is one sided conversations, I’ve told other adults.

I’ve shouted at him because I asked him nicely SEVERAL TIMES to stop spitting in the tub and he looked directly into my eyes and did it again. I told him to get out the tub and that he wouldn’t be allowed in if he did that. I shouted because he refused to get out after being asked and carried on doing it. If that is RAGE that requires me to visit a GP, please perfect and judgmental mums. What would YOU have done? I’ll make notes.

I hear you. There can be complex reasons for depression, but sometimes people are simply depressed because of external factors in their life.

It sounds like the setraline helped you live with the day to day, but left you no motivation or spare energy to make changes that would help mitigate the external factors.

Please consider going back to the GP and explain you are struggling with the day to day but also need the energy left to make changes, because there might be a medication or dosage or even just a withdrawal plan that could allow you to do that.

Try not to overwhelm yourself by trying to fix everything in one go. One thing at a time.

This sounds so hard. I don't have kids, but I have lots of experience with mental health struggles and antidepressants. Did you come off the Sertraline cold turkey? If so, you could experience severe withdrawal symptoms for a long time. Doctors don't often warn us about this.

The withdrawal symptoms mimic the symptoms of mental illness, eg depression, irritability, anxiety, rage, despair, frustration etc. So doctors and other people will often tell us to go back onto the meds, which is so frustrating and often unnecessary.

More evidence is coming out about how people coming off these antidepressants need to do it extremely slowly, to avoid the horrendous withdrawal symptoms. I'm currently tapering off my Citalopram very slowly and I'm doing fine. Before, I tried to come off it cold turkey and I nearly lost my mind and my marriage.

If you can, get hold of the book 'Coming off Antidepressants', not the most exciting title, I know, haha. It's by a psychiatrist. Also an excellent website and forum called 'Surviving Antidepressants'. Wishing you strength and peace.

You seek support, because what else can you do?

Parenting an autistic child is not ever about just letting them do whatever they like (and yes, I have 2 also). It's about teaching them about the world without getting angry at things they haven't done on purpose. You might as well get angry with a blind child for not noticing your new hairdo as get angry with an autistic child for talking about their special interest. Do you have to listen? No. Can you set boundaries around the monologuing? Yes. Should you get really bloody pissed off about having to listen? No, it's a waste of energy.