To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

And I just came upstairs to lie down as I’ve had a tough day and he’s been in my bed, he’s torn it apart and now I have to remake it. He’s also left a can and bag of crisps by my bed too! When I confront him he says ‘it’s an accident’ which is his standard response to everything. I just heard my husband tell him to apologise and give me a hug but I don’t want him near me.

I think you need to work out which of his behaviour is linked to his ADHD and autism, and which are due to how he's patented. What are the consequences other than you shouting? What are the adult behaviours around him like? What role does his father have in his life?

Can you try a different antidepressant? I hated sertraline

All he talks about are his fucking stupid Roblox games. He refuses to do homework and won’t do ANYTHING around the house to help. He gives me no joy at all.

He has ADHD and autism, what support have you had with how to parent him accordingly? Shouting is going to get you nowhere other escalating your own emotions

You need to do some research (and practise) on parenting a ND child.

Firstly, pick your battles. If spitting water in the hot tub is really a red line, then empty the hot tub and only fill it when he’s out. If there’s no food in bedrooms, consequences if this rule is broken - and this goes for everyone in the house.

More importantly, you need to start finding opportunities to praise him for any small effort he makes. Catch him being good. Tell him you appreciate how hard he’s been working in school; treat him from time to time and tell him why (positive reinforcement). Kids with ADHD are exposed to far less praise than NT peers and it shows in their behaviour.

It’ll take time and effort to turn it around, but you will start to feel differently.

I treat him all the fucking time, I praise him for the littlest thing (or there would be no praise at all) I could cope when I was on sertraline because I didn’t care how I was spoken to. DH is a hands on dad and is currently playing peace maker as I’m am too rage full to even look at DS. The veil has lifted and I can’t take it any more.

I've got two neurodiverse kids and honestly you sound awful!
He needs to tidy his junk but he might need telling calmly and often.
You seem but be aiming your own issues at your child so I think you need to get yourself some help and deal with the messy child when your behaviour is better regulated 🤷‍♀️

I have two neurodiverse children too. Lucky me. I’m just so fed up of parenting on hard mode, getting them diagnosed, medicated, EHCP (for youngest) I just have zero tolerance now I have come off sertraline (it’s been a week).

He needs to tidy his junk but he might need telling calmly and often.

Do you honestly think OP hasn't tried this? Do you not think she's tried every trick in the book? This is a woman at the end of her tether, she needs support, not slagging off.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to be off your medication, you're projecting rage onto a disabled 11 year old. You know that's not right.

If sertraline isn't working for you then try something else, other options exist. I'd also suggest a self-referral to Talking Matters for some therapy to help you with coping mechanisms for your anger and to the school nursing team for support in parenting your children.

Can you try another anti depressant? You might find that you cope better with a different one.

I’m not awful - I can assure you I have read the books, done the courses. I just can’t fucking take it now I’m not on anti-depressants! I have been his advocate when he is awful at school, I have ensured he has access to things that support him. I have done the whole ‘low demand parenting’ for years but it still doesn’t stop him from refusing to wash his hands, pissing on the toilet seat and having a full on tantrum when he is asked to take a shower. The hot tub thing was him literally carrying on WHILE I was asking him not to! Looking straight into my face and carrying on. I know autism makes him like this but it doesn’t make it any easier to handle at the moment!

Op, you sound completely at the end of your tether. 11 yr olds can be hard work ( I've had 3 of them ) , 12,13 and 14 now so not long out of it. Install some rules to try to take the pressure off you, no eating or drinking upstairs apart from water, make him wipe the seat after him , don't let him have roblox ( phone /iPad) until homework is done and don't budge on it. You and DH stick together on these rules. I'm sorry your struggling.

very early days then - have you looked into carers breaks etc? You sound overwhelmed. Do you need to get away from them all for a few days?

look - you know this, when you aren’t regulating your emotions, they aren’t regulated as you’re acting unexpectedly and things get worse. You coming off the medication is changing their behaviour as you are changing yours.

positive changes happen slowly. What are you doing to manage your feelings with the medication withdrawal?

So, having an ND child you're aware of executive dysfunction and PDA, yes? And the tendency to hyperfocus on a particular interest?
Honestly, I'm quite shocked at your attitude towards your son. Get yourself back to the GP and get some help to learn how to parent your lad effectively. The National Autistic Society might be a good starting point.

He's only 11 what help.are you expecting
11 year old can be filthy little buggers and his autism and ADHD won't help

No, the veil hasn't lifted. You were put on antidepressants because you were ill. You have come off them and you are still ill. It's not being masked by the sertraline.

For the sake of your relationship with your son - who didn't choose to be autistic, and please understand that executive functioning difficulties, i.e. difficulties with planning, organizing, monitoring and checking - is part of autism - please get back to the doctor. Try a different medication.

Your poor son needs a mum who can parent him without finding him disgusting and boring ("all he talks about are his fucking Roblox games" - that's because it's his special interest area and the thing that brings him joy).

As another parent of two (possibly three) ND children, I think you need to find some other medication that does work for you because how you are at the moment is an unacceptable way to look after any child, and one that will just trigger ND children.

You say it’s been a week. Have you come off gradually or are you having some brutal side effects at to contend with as well?

You obviously can’t be at your best coming off antidepressants. It is renowned to be difficult. Give yourself time to build up a relationship again.

This. I feel bad for him with the way you speak about him. He's a child. Why should an 11 year old do housework. You need to seek help. For him and yourself.

Parent to an adhd/ASC teen and preteen here. I agree that some of this may be about parenting, but parenting send children is relentless at times.

Have you done the stepping stones and cygnet courses? I found them very helpful. Not least because there were other parents in the same boat.

Equally, why have you come off your meds? I am on fluoxetine and find it much, much harder to cope if I accidentally miss a dose. So while on them, I don't necessarily notice the effect, but I do when not. If that makes sense. Maybe ask about a different medication. It doesn't sound like coming off them is helpful at all right now. It's maybe not so much the veil has been lifted but your coping strategy has been removed. I genuinely cannot come off my medication. I've been on antidepressants 13 years now. It took a while to find the right one and the right dose - with this one I am on the lowest. But I need that strategy for me to be able to deal with everything life throws at me.

Then: set boundaries. Your son might be acting out because he does not feel 'safe' and is trying to find where the boundary is.

Set a routine and stick to it. Including your son in making that. Make your bedroom a no go zone so it can be your space to chill and regroup.

All kids, Neurotypical and neurodiverse, need rules and sanctions. Ban bloody Roblox if you have to - ds1 is not allowed Fortnite. He turned into an awful teen on it and within a couple of days of banning it, I had my lovely son back. Instead he monologues about Pokémon, but I can cope with that.

Make consequences swift and related to the behaviour. So spitting in the hot tub means no hot tub for him for the rest of the day if that's a non-negotiable for you. Eating and leaving food/rubbish means eating has to be done at the dining table only and so on.

Does he understand why grandad is no longer around? Does he understand why that has made you sad?

It seems like a lot is going on in your family right now and

OP, is there any chance you are also ND? Parents of ND kids are often ND themselves, and ADHD as an adult is a bitch and makes dealing with PDA type behaviour a fucking nightmare frankly. You sound completely at the end of your tether.

I've also struggled having come off sertraline (more because I didn't pick them up for a month and can't remember to take them) and am AuDHD myself, you may find groups on FB of other parents in a similar boat who are more sympathetic and able to provide advice than on here.

Where is your husband in that? If you’re struggling, he should be enforcing the boundaries.

I’m team you, btw. Your son is behaving awfully and needs consequences. Roblox would be the first to go.

@Sturnidae - that's a good thought. I'm adhd myself, diagnosed as an adult after my kids paediatrician recommended it.

Made a lot of sense.