To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

"now it makes me rage"!!!!!!!!!!!!

You use far to many exclamation marks to be taken seriously.

Your comments are neither helpful or informative.

Ask yourself why you make them.

Yes.

Do you think this is voluntary?!

Wow.

I like exclamation marks and will use them to express how I feel as often as I wish, thank you and good night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your posts don't impress me either. I prefer considered, intelligent responses personally.

You can use them all you like. I just can't take you seriously. That's all.

On a serious note, OP, it can be difficult to deal with your own negative reactions to a child. You have to hide them from the child and other family members and also deal with the secondary feelings of guilt and shame for having those reactions in the first place. It can make parenting a lonely place to be.

My eldest boy was an adorable baby and toddler. At 7-8 he became insufferable. Impulsive and violent to other children. I had to endlessly remind myself that I loved him. He was lovely again for a couple of years and then became intolerable at around 13-15. Nasty and sometimes violent, especially to his younger brother. I had to be firm, fair and hold on in there in the hope he'd change.

It isn't easy.

My lads are both adults now and my eldest has no clue I ever struggled to love him. His memories are of me being his fiercest advocate and loving carer. Apparently I hid my feelings much better than I thought.

The negative feelings I had troubled me precisely because I did love him. And you love your son too, or you wouldn't be worried about this. Trust that it will pass. His behaviour and your reaction.

Mothers are expected to be perfect and we're just human.

I was the ND child (undiagnosed at that point). At the age of 11, I was a little horror. My parents (almost certainly ND themselves) were firm, consistent and always followed through on threatened punishments if I didn't behave. Parents can do everything right, or "good enough", and their child can still be absolutely exhausting.

(If my experience is anything to go by, there may well be some root cause for all the little horror-ness. I know I was deeply resentful that I had no friends, hated living rurally and felt like my parents' quirky lifestyle choices were stopping me being "normal". At that age you really start to care about fitting in. Maybe a conversation in a quiet environment removed from the house would turn up some insight as to what's going on internally? It was very effective for helping my parents and me realise why I was behaving as I was)

Re the meds: I was on sertraline a couple of years ago. I absolutely understand why you came off it, I did too. At first it's nice to not feel much but you ultimately feel so inhuman just sleepwalking through life. I think people who have never experienced this "mellowing" often don't grasp the sheer craving to feel something - the "screw it, I'd take feeling anxious / tearful / angry over this". I have ADHD and my brain is wired to seek out emotional stimuli, so this was especially intolerable for me.

Re the Roblox: I annoy people so much with my (thankfully rare) hyperfixations. As someone with ADHD, I also have a very short fuse for listening to other people's monologues about things I find boring. I live with an auDHD adult whose idea of a conversation is to drone on for 20 minutes about themselves, including talking over my contributions. I have to clench my teeth, dig my nails into my palms and fidget until I can think of an excuse to escape. So I imagine I have a sense of how this one must feel for you. Do you think there could be a possible clash of ND needs alongside the burnout?

Sorry haven't rtft but I wouldn't assume that the way you are feeling now is objectively how you feel. On a physical level I would assume it takes at least several months for your brain chemistry to adjust to the lack of medication (if indeed it ever does fully readjust). On an emotional level, if the medication has been making you dissociate from your feelings, particularly of resentment and anger, then you have not been processing those feelings as they occur and now you can feel again there is a huge backlog of unaddressed feelings that are still there that need attending to. You are now experiencing all the bottled up rage of the past months pouring out in one go. It's a heightened response. But it will pass. You are doing the right thing taking a breather and letting dp manage. I'd try to be understanding towards yourself and others as you ride the wave of these feelings and try not to get sucked in to strongly identifying with them. Obviously you love your wee boy.

I agree.

You live in a stressful house op and you're struggling to manage your expectations of your son or parent him in a regulated way, but resorting to shouting, or raging and refusing to get help for yourself to help you be the best parent you can be is subjecting your family to abuse.

I had an explosive parent. It took a long time to recover or understand why she was explosive and lo and behold I am autistic and very likely have ADHD too.

When you became a parent you agreed to make necessary and important sacrifices and that means sucking it up and calling your GP and asking for a referral to the core mental health team.

No kid, or family, should feel like they need to walk on eggshells which yours will if this continues.

I think it’s normal to feel a range of emotions when coming off anti depressants. Anger being one of them. I would learn some new strategies to deal with your son op, not to return to a zombie like state. Yes it’s hard work, but it sounds like you have woken up now to life, I would work with the anger.

This.

Also going to ask… REALLY?

Honestly, I’m a neurotypical person and I was just as “o” as the OPs “boring” child when I was 11. She described 97% of tweens. .. defo OP needs to get back on some kind of anti depressant because she is not well.

You sound so very sad. I don’t think you’re coping with no help. I have two autistic children and my youngest also has ADHD, they can be quite insensitive and my older one needs gentle persuasion to bathe. I just don’t think it’s important to them maybe it’s the same for yours? Anyway after many years and many medications I am now on one that suits me and doesn’t make me a zombie ( some of them are appalling) please go back to the doctor as shouting won’t help and you’ll only start pushing your family away. There’s no shame in needing help. Please for your sanity try another one. Sending understanding your way.

@thegreenlight - re the bed wetting, dd2 was a bed wetter until age 11 (also Sen). We used drinites. They fit to mid teens. Honestly was a game changer for us. Saved so many wet sheets in the morning as she just hadn't developed the necessary hormone to stay dry at night. It came eventually, half way through year 6. It might be your boys don't like the feeling of them but I think there are now washable incontinence pants which might also help.

And re shower, I've got one who hated showers for a long time. As irritating as it was, they had baths every day instead. Sometimes we do have to do what works for them instead of what is quicker/easier for us.

I get your frustration last night and hope I didn't upset you further. It's hard to know when on here whether parents have engaged with all the services they're told to - a lot of them are teaching us to suck eggs but it ticks a box for further referrals and support.

Also; it's ok to need support ourselves which was why I asked about changing meds - fluoxetine really has helped me. I can be the loving mum, wife and woman I want to be without worrying that I'm going to rip someone's head off, and I've got a job (in neurodiversity!) which I love and am bloody good at, if struggling a little with the paperwork side of things. I appreciate you don't want to go back on medication though and other services are often accessed through GP or social services but you sound exhausted and at the end of your rope. Where is the '@thegreenlight' time to yourself?

The Sen board is really helpful and supportive. Maybe hop over there and off load to parents who are also living your life.

No, it's not the life you want. But it's the life you've got and it's the life you have to deal with. Same goes for your son. His is not the life he deserves and most likely not the life he wants. But we all get what we get and have to do our best with it.

Coming off anti depressants is hard. I switched from sertraline to duloxetine a while back and am doing much better on them. Just because a particular medicine wasn't right for you does not mean that being medicated is not right for you.
I'm sorry your GP is shit. Yet another fight is exhausting.

My sons are in their 20s and are both medicated. The world is often horribly hard when you have autism and ADHD etc and it's a struggle to survive it. Maybe a medication review would benefit your son. Perhaps there are medications that would be better for him than what he's currently on.

My youngest was on equasym at your son's age and things deteriorated until eventually he was put on antipsychotics for a time because his violent behaviours were extreme, and it really helped. He now has been weaned off it and just has duloxetine and diazapam. My oldest is on sertraline. It makes the world a little easier for them to cope with. Talk to your son's doctor about alternative medications and see if there's something else he can try.

I wouldn’t let him in the hot tub if he won’t shower and keep clean. I agree in what you’re saying, it is disgusting and just because he’s ND doesn’t mean you can just put up with the behaviour

Meant to say that people often say that medications "aren't the answer" and how you can't cure autism etc.

I think a better pov is to think of a broken leg.
Does the cast itself heal the broken leg? No it does not. That's not its job. It puts the leg in the best position possible to enable the leg to heal. Do the painkillers heal the leg? Nope. But they make a broken leg a bit easier to cope with.

Would your broken leg heal without the cast? And without painkillers?
Well yes.
But it would be so much harder for you while it healed and it would probably not heal in the best way, leaving you with a load of problems.

Medication did not 'cure' my sons but it allowed me to reach them in order to better help them. It allowed them to better cope in a world that really really fucks up autistic people!

It's worth exploring your son's options re meds.

I’ve reported this thread - I was cross last night and some mums on here have made out that I abuse my son, that he has an awful time, is walking on eggshells which is total bollocks. I wanted to rant away and people have piled on. Going to the GP this morning. I hope none of the people on here have EVER raised their voice to their child after repeatedly being disrespected and ignored. You are obviously super human with your superior self control. Good for you. I am just a flawed mum working full time and doing the best I can. Have a great day everyone.

Have you considered some of the more positive posts?

Some people have been very supportive, that’s true. However some really awful assumptions have been made about me. That I HATE my child, that I am narcissistic and abusive. I am not feeling as defiant this morning as I was last night. I literally sacrifice myself at the altar of my children every day and I’m not allowed to need to vent occasionally. Back on your meds until you feel nothing again but don’t offend anyone around you. Quiet woman and do your duty with fortitude. I’m tired and will speak to the GP.

OP, I came off 50mg sertraline last year. I did it relatively slowly over a couple of weeks but I still felt fucking terrible. At times I felt suicidal, I was emotional, couldn't see the point in life and tearful. The feeling passed but it took a few weeks.

As others have said you have come off it too quickly. I'm not suggesting you go on it permanently but you need to go on it and wean off gradually to reduce these feelings and side effects.

For example- Take 25mg for a week, then 25mg every other day. Then 25mg every 3rd day.
This is a powerful drug which alters how your brain works,doctors seem to prescribe it without much thought which then gives patients the impression it's not a big deal.

My GP scoffed at me when I told him I was getting awful side effects.