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Original poster

do any of you have problems (judgemental attitudes) off you neighbours?

30 replies

SantaFio2 · 10/12/2004 18:05

I feel really funny posting this as if I maybe having a paranoid moment...but...

dont know if you remember my last neighbours, how they used to say dd was disabled because we didnt do enough or look after her properly...

well this neighbour has hinted the same :( and I am feeling really weak about it

dd looks very normal and it is just really getting me down. My own relatives thinks she is normal and it is driving me mad. Of course she is gorgeous but she has very severe problems and no one understands this :( bugger

They are just being ignorant arent they? tell me to ignore...

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFio2 · 10/12/2004 18:07

plus we are most probably noisy. She whines and squels and does allsorts

she is up in the night several times and me and dh are up and own to get her

OP posts:
joashiningstar · 10/12/2004 18:07

They are ignorant...just ignore them. Or better still, ask them if they are ignorant because they didn't get any love, affection or attention as a child and so weren't taught any manners.

Santasluckylittlehelper · 10/12/2004 18:09

Fio (((hugs)))) They are ignorant, they should walk in your shoes for a while to see what life's really like. Ignore them, and know that you do a brilliant job.

misdee · 10/12/2004 18:11

Fio (((hugs)))

we get some very odd looks from some of our neighbours because they cant see why we have a bungalow. they asee a seemingly fit young couple with 2 kids, and dont have a clue why we are here. My neighbours either side are brilliant, but we get some very odd looks off other people.

Ignore them, your brilliant parents.

TheHollyAndTheTwiglett · 10/12/2004 18:12

ignorance Sad ignorance Sad ignorance Angry

how dare they think to judge

what do they want? a bloody medical report

you are so obviously looking after her properly

that's just pants .. ignore ignore ignore

chonky · 10/12/2004 18:14

Grrrr...some people are sooooo ignorant. Just try to ignore Fio, they sound like an utter waste of space. It amazes me the things that people come out with sometimes.

We too find it very hard to try to explain to some people that dd has problems. We get a lot of 'oh, I was slow to walk/talk/speak 5 different languages :o, I wouldn't worry about it'. In this case I think they mean well, and are trying to reassure, but I try to be as assertive as possible about dd's problems without being rude. In the case of your neighbours I think I'd just be rude...

chonky · 10/12/2004 18:16

Forgot the Angry Angry Angry &

amynSaintnixmum · 10/12/2004 18:18

Ignore them Angry I hate it when other people judge. Like Twiglett says "what do they want? a bloody medical report". My mums friend always drops hints about how she only had to look at her son to get him to behave and never had to resort to shouting etc. She does this whenever ds misbehaves and we try to discipline him and I have to grit my teeth as I would love to be able to just look at ds to get him to behave and she doesnt have a clue how lucky she was.

aloha · 10/12/2004 18:18

People always say stupid things. Often they don't mean any harm (though obviously sometimes they do). With my ds I've had people say, "Wouldn't he walk/run better if you got him out of nappies?" No. "He just needs to see other kids running about at playgroup and he'll get it" - yeah, right. They don't mean any harm MOST of the time, but in this case I can see why you are both upset and angry. They should, off course, butt out.

amynSaintnixmum · 10/12/2004 18:19

OOhh yes i forgot the {{{{{hugs}}}}} as well.

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 10/12/2004 18:23

to be fair I think my new neighbour is just a busybody but I am just worried other peoplewill think we are bad or something, just a case of low self esteem in myself I predict. (maybe I have been on mumsnet too long Wink)

It's just getting me down. My sil being nasty and asking to speak to my dd on her birthadya, telling us she will leave home at 18. Its really pissed me off but dragged me down too. I see no end to the is madness sometimes

OP posts:
blossomgoodwill · 10/12/2004 18:26

Unfortunately people are not very understanding of children with invisible disabilites. If a child has a visible disabiltiy then people seem to accept it more.
How dare anyone hint that it is anything to do with you Fio Angry. I have gone through all the oh was it something I did. The paracetemol I took once when I had a headache, the car accident I had 3 days before dd was born. The simple answer is it wasn't my fault like your dd's problems are not yours.
Don't people realise how stressful it is for us anyway without making pathetic remarks.
Hugs to you Fio ((((()))))

Kittypickle · 10/12/2004 18:31

Totally, utterly and completely ignorant. I am still cross with my MIL who when I explained that DD has been diagnosed with Dyspraxia and the difficulties it's causing her, said " I wouldn't have had time to notice things like that in my day" Please try to ignore these people, your DD is lucky to have you has her Mum :)

amynSaintnixmum · 10/12/2004 18:32

Kitty Shock

blossomgoodwill · 10/12/2004 18:35

Shock Kitty how awful. I think people don't realise that these problems do not just go away (as much as we would love them to and would do anything to make that happen). It's hard enough accepting that your child has special needs and I think that to make cooments like that is so unhelpful to us.

DingleAlltheWay · 10/12/2004 19:14

It is one thing to not understand,to be ignorant-the only way someone would really know what your situation is like is to live with it. Even another mum of a child with SN would not know 100%,as every child is different in addition to the vast range of DXs.
It is a completely different thing to be judgemental and jump to the wrong conclusion without that understanding.
Sorry, what a piece of ...waffle!!Grin
Ignore it Fio, it may be hard to do, but ignore it!
Hugs..Dingle.
ps.thanks for the leaflets. xxx

Jimjambells · 10/12/2004 20:15

I think it can look strange from a distance, but when people spend any time with you they realise. For example yesterday ds1 was invited to a birthday party for an NT child. He did really well for an hour, then developed a complete obsession with a sofa the other side of the pub, and opposite the only loving couple in the entire pub. He kept sprinting for it then screaming when I took him away, then sprinting for it again. Obviously to most casual observers in the pub it looked awful. Totally normal looking 5 year child(and big for his age) sprinting repeatedly through the pub, then screaming. People don't watch long enough to realise that this 5 year old child isn't actually using any speech whatsover (and I was having to run too fast to wave his PECS book around :o) However the 2 other adults I was with- both NT children- both clearly quite shocked by his oddity just said "good grief I don't know how you doit" etc etc and seemed concerned he would send me into labour :o They were close enough (and had a go at helping with him) to see just how difficult it is when you can't use language and can't guarantee you can get/keep attention and are dealing with a child whose more interested in his own agenda (looking under doors, sprinting for sofas, sniffing toilets) than whatever other children are doing.

Certainly I don't think I was judged at all by them although the tut tut brigade were out in fine force in the pub.

My neighbours are pretty good now- even though he has had huge screaming tantrums in the street-they've gradually become aware of the extent of his problems despite the normal look. I susepct when your neighbours get to know you more they will realise that they can't sit in judegment.

JJ · 10/12/2004 21:04

Fio, my son's NT, but I was driving myself nuts worrying about my son's screaming during the day and night and how it was affecting the neighbours. He's 3 and having massive tantrums again, but to ignore it, I have to subject them to it for long periods that occur very often when we're home. It was extremely stressful for me - I thought they thought I was a terrible parent, abusing my child, would call SS or something like that.

So... I thought it through (with help) and decided that if I apologized for it, I'd feel better about it. Not that I was apologizing for my son screaming, but I wanted to say, "Sorry, I know it's annoying, this is why it's happening". And I did! I took a bottle of sparkling wine around on Tuesday and gave my little spiel to the woman who was extremely confused, said she never heard it and invited us all over for drinks. Just got back and they are lovely people. Her daughter and my son go to the same nursery and had a blast together tonight. I'm sure we'll end up with the kids running between the houses (when they're old enough). :)

Anyway, the worst that could have happened would have been that she was annoyed, it did wake the baby and she didn't understand. But at least I would have felt like I had done all I could and then could have felt good enough about it by knowing what a cow she was to write her opinions off.

I'm not sure that that will be helpful to you, but maybe she's not thinking that. It certainly helped me to know.

Sorry for the perhaps unwanted advice, but I worry about you!

JakBFrostNippingatYourtoes · 10/12/2004 21:14

I haven't had critical glances but I have had lots of, 'oh, it's a tragedy' and the woman at the post office once confessed everybody was very worried about me because I looked so run-down and exhausted and 'how do I cope'!?

Neighbours pretty good and I do go and see them if DD having particularly restless evenings.

JakBFrostNippingatYourtoes · 10/12/2004 21:14

ps Jimjams, love your story Grin
It's the 'odd' behaviour that always bemuses people the most.

rivers · 10/12/2004 22:14

I have had many comments from neighbours such as 'how do you cope, you are so strong..' and one neighbour even told me over and over how sad it was that my daughter can't speak!I tried to explain how she knew over a hundred makaton signs but the neighbour just kept on about the tragedy of my DD not speaking!

Davrosthesnowwoman · 11/12/2004 09:34

Poor you Fio and its not easy as you can't avoid them but you can ignore them. Mind you, I think JJ's experience is interesting as I must say I've always found that once you speak to someone everything is better, not that you should have to do it, but it probably would work. We had an anonymous note through our door once complaining about DS's noises in the garden. Unfortunately my stupid DH ripped it up and shoved it back through the letterbox of who he guessed had written it, but actually no idea of who had done it. I was so cross because I would have done something with it, gone to the Police for a start and written to the local paper who would have loved it. But he had destroyed it because he didn't want to upset me, then told me all about it. Upset me even more of course as I felt powerless.

whitepixmas · 11/12/2004 16:43

This isn't something I've had to worry about so far. I haven't a clue who lives one side of us, never even seen them, and although we,ve been here 10 years our relationship with the other neighbours extends as far as Christmas cards through the door and the occasional wave and nod if we see each other out the front. They don't really 'approve' of us (being a pub) even though the pub was built long before their house and they like to keep an aloof distance. Suits me as although Mrs B is ok, Mr B is a right old misery.

However, we are moving next month to a close which I have already nicknamed 'Twee Mansions' because of the vast amount of frilly net curtains and garden ornaments to be seen, so I expect I am about to find out about neighbours' opinions!

Original poster
SantaFio2 · 14/12/2004 06:52

thanks for all your comments! i have had a telling off from my husband for being paranoid............oh well, really must work on that quicker skin and to be fair i think i was being over sensitive as usually she is fine she is just a bit of a busy-body as I said. Just the 'we like our quiet' comments annoy me because i really cant turn my kids volume down especially the shreiking

davros, sorry that happened to you - not nice

OP posts:
DingWongMerrilyOnHigh · 14/12/2004 07:09

Judgemental? Oh yes, we had that.

In Highgate we rented the bottom flat of one of the three storey victorian terraces that made up our road. When we had been there for 6 years the neighbour from 4 doors down rang on the bell and asked to know who the landlord was because there was a transitory poplation in out house and they would all feel more secure if they could have a contact name. FFS

We used to get a great deal of snobbery, and closet racism but the neighbours who were nice became good friends.

Also had an arse from across the road renting garage space at the side of our house, in fact the garage ramp was directly outside my bedroom window. Anyway mr city banker blinkers on to the rest of the proletariat used to rev up his 900cc Ducati on that ramp every morning at 6.15. One day (pg and angry) I confronted him and told him to stop. He said he had to get to work so I told him to use the e£@$% tube, Later that evening he came round to our flat, not to apologise but to ask if he could fit an electricity cable from our flat in to his garage so he could leave his bike on charge all night and there fore not have to rev it so hard in the morning. Of course I told him he was mistaken and that he actually lived in a terraced house in Haringey and was not Lord of the Manor to my hovel.

Very very very very glad to be out of that kind of neighbourhood.