"JUST SWEEP MY BOYS UNDER THE CARPET AND THEY'LL GO AWAY"

[MrsFROSTgetful]

i've had a difficult few weeks and am exhausted.

But....on Monday Leigh finally got his diagnosis of ASPERGER's Syndrome.

So ..... here begins the next struggle...getting him the support he needs!!! He ofcourse expected overnight to suddenly love being at school...he came home tuesday saying NOTHING was any better! Bless!

But...........the biggest annoyance (as my title suggested) is other peoples attitude to my boys.

Recently i was asked by a 'well meaning cow' whether i really could say hand on heart tyhat i do all i can to help my 11 yr old...Grrrrr! and she suggested that to 'make him' go out and play...i should take the powere leads out of the playstation...computer etc... (mind u my youngest ...supposedly NT takes the batteries out of everything already...maybe he could do the deed for me!) So according to her THAT will solve my son's social skills issues!

Don't worry- i was more angry than hurt.

But TODAY!!!! Well that was the last straw!

some of you will remeber that my inlaws don't opperated an 'Inclusion Policy'....so a few weeks ago i shouldn't have been suprised when one of my husban's cousins was 'shocked' to hear that Tom was DX'd with ADHD/AS...as no-one had told her...now my inlaws ARE the MAFIA...and even have a set of tribal drums...so any gossip gets passed with speed to everyone....yet 'suprise suprise' the news that my son is disabled was omitted.

So i seethed for the rest of the day- and vowed that 'if' leigh got a dx on monday that i would post everyone a copy of the report!!!!

However ...ofcourse i have calmed down...until today!!!

I was at Parent Support Group...not just SN ...and they had invited a guest speaker...the 'TOP' SEN co-oridinator from The Special Educational Needs Support Service (the ones that help us parents go through statementing/headteacher meetings etc)

Well......he brought his assistant who turned out to be my husband's cousin !! (she has a daughter aged 14 with CP)

She saw me and said " what are you doing here???"

She too had no idea that my son had AS etc. I then told her that Leigh had just got the DX....and she was horrified that no-one told her!

Now this could be a fantastic thing to happen as she will certainly make it known to The Mafia what she thinks....but better still....she is 'professionally' knowledgable about statementing etc

....so yes people may just treat my boys like dirt and sweep them under the carpet...but i reckon with her attitude/confidence/knowledge and help i will get needs recognised ...both at home and at school....and at the Mafia HQ

You're welcome!!

My husband's back to moaning about the state of the house at the moment- that doesnt help. It's stupid really but when the boys are here- i can't get on-then when they are at school i seem to be unable to focus on anything and do nothing.

Mrs F, so sorry you are having such a hard time. My in-laws are a nightmare too and tend to 'ignore' DD's diagnosis. I sent them all the reports but months later DH's dad expressed 'shock' that DD had 'severe learning difficulties' and had thought she may just come out of it with the right help, as he'd raid in The Mail . Let's hope your husband's cousin educates The Mafia. I can't believe people would suggest you're not doing enough for Leigh. You sound amazing. As for the house, you've got enough to think about. I spend alot of time staring into space and drinking very strong coffee. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Really sorry to hear you're having a tough time MrsF. The things people say, or as in your in-laws case don't say.
We've recently had a similar experience with my in-laws who couldn't accept that our dd has any problems at all (!!), and as a result didn't pick up the phone to us for weeks at a time. It all got really sad the other night when my mum picked up the phone when my FIL phoned (dh & I were out), and told my FIL a few home truths about dd's prognosis. He ended up in tears. Really sad, but it had to happen. I found the total denial from them incredibly hurtful and painful (not to mention it made me angry ++++). I really think they had NO idea though.

I hope your husband's cousin is able to educate The Mafia. In our case it really helped that my mum stepped in, as I think it hit home more when a third party got involved. It was really tough for my mum though, who got upset too.

As for the well meaning woman, tell her where to get off next time. What does she know about any of it!!!!??? You're always so resourceful MrsF, she is talking out of her backside.

JB, LOL at The Mail & the need for strong coffee

Mrs F - sorry that things are tough at the moment . I am beginning to experience the `sweep it under the carpet' attitude too, so big hugs to you.

What a stroke of luck that your dh's cousin is involved with special needs - I bet she was really p*ssed off not to have heard about your situation, having a child with CP herself, I bet she was incensed that disability was being `covered' up as if its something to be ashamed of . I'm sure your right, the news will fly round the family network double quick now!

My mum and dad are so sweet and supportive about my ds2's problems, but again my inlaws are adopting the ostrich approach! They themself have had to bring up a moderately disabled child (who as a grownup lives entirely independently ), and it feels as if they just cant go there a 2nd time. Yet for me it would really help if they could open up and talk.
As pil's are in their 70's we dont want to hurt them, but there never seems to be a good time to have a heart to heart as they are always about to pop off on a cruise . So we dont want to spoil their holiday. It will all come out v.soon though, because we are going to have to confront them about genetic testing.

Know how you feel Chonky. Their attitude (not mentioning ds2, but always talking about ds1 leaves me seething and v.sad)

MIL has bought ds1 (NT) and 7 years old, a light up globe for xmas (£80!), but hasn't even talked to me about what might be appropriate for ds2. Its as if he doesn't exist .

As for the house Mrs F - I have the same tendency to overthink when I should be getting on with things, so your not the only one

Grrrrrr at you ILs but at the Mafia HQ discription.

My MIL says 'oh how weird' or 'isn't that weird' a lot when DS2 does things that aren't the same as her other grandsons. DS2 isn't diagnosed yet and tbh is coming on great but it still annoys me.

description

"A good smack is all he needs", "well what did you expect - he is adopted", "he'll grow out of it", "Please do not let J eat anything at the table without using a knife and fork", "If he still wets the bed - can't he sleep on the floor - Ive had a new mattress".

All of the above are statements made by MY MOTHER!!!

Hence I moved 200 miles away from her and have a little contact with her as possible!!!

Know who I'd like to give a good samck too, maybe it would sort her out!!!!!

Awwww Jaysmum Are the rest of your family ok?

What is it with in-laws??! I am amazed to hear so many of you have similar problems! My In-laws are the Head In The Sand Brigade. We moved down South (near my family) because of their complete lack of support (in the light of Ds's problems) and lack of willingness to even acknowledge his special needs. I once took a nursery report for youngest him (youngest DS who has cp) to their house as we were so proud of it.. it made such a big deal out of what he COULD do rather than what he couldn't. Anyway, nobody looked at it.. they just left it on the table. Eventually I forced it in their faces.. M-i-l spent a few mins looking at it without speaking.. and finally said 'Oh so he is making some progress then?' I was speechless.. he has made LOADS of progress.Even DH (who is very ladi back) was insulted and a bit disgusted at her attitide. He said to me not to bother taking any reports round there again. I think they were/are just waiting for him to become normal overnight... which is not going to happen.. And since we now live 260 miles away from them, they are justifed in ignoring us almost competely.. (not that we ever saw them unless we went round there when we lived up there.. and we lived 2 blocks away!)

The latest 'last straw' is that we can't go and visit.. plus see everyone else we want to see up there including DH's older children from first marriage (age 16 & 18) because the in-laws' is the only house where we could stay (although s-i-l has just moved to a big house.. which we only heard on the grapevine.. probably because she thought we might have expected to stay at hers if she told us she had moved and where to...).. and we can't stay at m-i-l's because she is a heavy smoker and older DS has cystic fibrosis. She has made efforts in the past not to light up around him.. but he still breathes smoke there.. and I have NEVER let him breathe it anywher else. She can'tsee that him walking into a cloud of smoke AFTER she has been smoking is a problem. And she is always walking around with her cigarettes waiting for me to take the kids out of the house, when we are up there. And seeing as oldest DS has been growing a germ on his lungs since the summer I daren't take him up there now... so we don't go... simple as that..

Sorry Mrs F.. I have hijacked your thread in order to rant, I'm v. sorry... . But at least you know you're not alone with the inlaw prob. I hope the cousin being in the know has a good effect. I wouldn't wish this on my in laws for the world, but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if one of the DH's sisters had had an SN child.. their little girls are the little princesses of the family..!.. they would have had to have removed their heads from the sand somewhat then I assume!

Lots of love to all

Jess xx

Aw lets have a group hug .

Bah Humbug I-Laws!

((((hugs))) to you Jessica. And to all us mums with awkward ILs.

Congratulations on getting Leigh's dx, MrsF (love the Christmas name btw!).

Silly you for not just unplugging the playstation and sending your boys out to play(!). That would solve all of your problems and Tom and Leigh would be instantly cured. Grrrrr!

It's good news that you know someone with lots of information about statementing etc. I hope she has a word with the Mafia-In-Laws and sorts them out.

Tbh both sides of our family (mine and dh's) are pretty much uninterested in autism. MIL is probably the best as she uses the same strategies with ds1 as she did with dh when he was a child. I also have a younger sister who is interested in ASD. She is the only person in my family who has ever mentioned the word autism. I told my mother that ds2 had an appointment with the Paed to see if he was autistic. The appointment was over a week ago and she still hasn't asked how it went. I've given up trying to interest them in ds1&2's problems. I haven't even bothered to mention that we've been told that ds2 is almost certainly autistic. It would be a waste of breath IMO.

As for the housework, MrsF, I really should send you some pictures of our clutter-filled livingroom. You'll see then that you're not alone. If you're ever heading in this direction then I will give you a personal Clutterbucket-Coppertop tour.

P.S. I thought of you a little while ago MrsF when I discovered ds2's love of milky tea. He goes around trying to drink whatever's left in other people's cups. Perhaps I should give him some of his own eh?

I've just told my parents today that we have had a provisional dx of autism for dd, and my mother said "that's nice"!

I've really enjoyed reading all these posts!

CT- i had no idea you were so-far-along-the-road regarding DS2/autism.

Jessica-you said so well what i have been thinking...that being that if it was my inlaw's daughter's that had the SN kiddies...etc etc!!!
Generally speaking i wonder if there is more resistance when it's 'just' the children of the 'daughter-in-law'???

STALK!

Yes we got a cancellation slot with the Paed. The appointment lasted for 45mins and ds2 spent most of that time hiding under the chairs and flicking the switch on the power socket. The Paed told us that ds2 still needs a full assessment but that he's almost certainly on the spectrum.

will you join me for the sequel to "My family and Autism"...called "OUR families and Autism"!!??

I can just see the Forgetfuls and the Coppertops all in one room.

Ds1's teacher thinks ds2 is gorgeous and has said that she'd love to take him home with her. I haven't yet warned her that she may regret those words in 3 years time when he's in her class.

I don't have any in-laws!!! just thought I'd make you all jealous!

Mind you, my dad isn't much better. When dd was small he was the proud grandad, buying her flash birthday presents, taking her to the zoo etc. He has NEVER taken ds out not even to the park. He only lives 5 mins up the road but didn't even come to see ds on his birthday, just dropped in a card with £10 in it. He came round the other day (first time in 6 months)and I told him ds is doing really well in his new school. The only thing he said was "Is he talking yet?" and when I said "no, not yet" he changed the subject quick. It's so obvious that his only grandson is a big disappointment but I've now got to the stage of realising that it's his loss. Everyone who takes the time to get to know ds thinks he is adorable and he has his teachers wrapped around his little finger!

Inlaws... grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Does anybody have nice ones?
Mullgedwine- I can't BELIEVE she said that to you. Pixel- it's definitely your dad's losss. Jaysmumwantsasilentnight
And grrr at all other ignorant in-laws.
ps on a lighter note, LOVE the Xmas names! Particularly Merlot's! (I was very boring with mine)

Not as boring as mine. I haven't managed to think of one yet!

Pixel - i love these names too - but can't think of one for me. You could maybe be a pixie or Pixelebration?

Mullgedwine! Your MOTHER said that? UNBELIEVABLE!

I've got one chocol8 but it's a bit long. "Onthechocol8thdayofchristmas". What do you think???

Heh blossom, love that one for chocol! Can you think of anything groovier for me?!

Got one! It's not as brill as some of the others but there you go!