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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

I feel faintly sick now

32 replies

purplepidjin · 15/01/2011 13:03

I just read a thread from a woman who would abort the baby if it has Downs Syndrom - high probability found in early pregnancy.

I now feel sick that a child isn't loved because of this

AIBU?

PS I haven't posted on the thread- it is her decision, after all!

OP posts:

CherryMonster · 15/01/2011 13:07

sometimes its not just about whether she would love the baby. its often about if she could cope with extra needs. if i was to fall pregnant with a high risk of downs syndrome now, i would struggle to cope because i already have four children, and 2 have special needs. i am also a single parent. i would abort if i was at a very high risk, purely because i would not be able to cope with newborn sleep deprivation, as well as sleep deprivation from ds2's sleeping problems, worrying about a baby with possible complications, dealing with ds2 and dd1's special needs, ds1's obnoxious tweenage behaviour and dd2 who is generally a good girl but wants lots of attention. i would probably have a breakdown if my current stresses were added to.

Marne · 15/01/2011 13:11

Its hard and , which is why i don't read threads like that.

There are lots of things to consider.

If it was me, i could not abort and TBH i would not have the tests for DS. But other people think differently and i guess it is there choice. I think any one who plans a pregnancy shoud take into consideration the fact that their child could be born with sn's before getting pg. There are so many conditions (such as Autism) which can not be picked up on scans.

5inthebed · 15/01/2011 13:24

I tend to steer clear from these threads. Not so much because they are talking about abortions, but because of some peoples viiews towards SN in general.

Makes me very sad that people in this day and age still feel babies with SN should not be given the chance to live.

CherryMonster · 15/01/2011 13:33

exactly. even if my childrens sn could have been picked up on a scan (dyspraxia, possible autism/as and adhd) i still would have kep them. even if their needs had been more severe i probably would have kept them. but if it was to happen now, i would struggle, and my priority would have to be the children that i already have.

sneezecakesmum · 15/01/2011 13:44

Sad as it is, the decision must rest with the parents, and no-one should be made to feel bad if they are making a choice they feel is the right on for themselves.

All I know is that a SN child once its a reality is usually as deeply loved and cared for as any NT child. No one with a SN child would wish them not on this earth even if they could turn back the clock.

Taysh1109 · 15/01/2011 14:01

It is very sad. I can't even imagine it.

When DD was born, I was devastated when they told us she had DS, but I still wouldn't have changed anything for the world. My mum's best friend gave birth to a little boy with DS about 25 years ago, and she was so shocked about the diagnosis that she gave him up for adoption, she took it so badly that she said she couldn't cope with it and didn't want anything to do with him. She lives with that guilt every single day of her life, and now she's not allowed any form of contact with him, she knows nothing about him whatsoever. She hates herself for it and she really struggled when she first met DD. It's so so sad.

Makes me love DD even more (if that's possible!)

Original poster

purplepidjin · 15/01/2011 16:20

I deliberately didn't post on the thread because someone facing that decision doesn't need strangers questioning their motives - and because the thread wasn't "Should I" but "What should I expect at this appointment" in nature.

But special needs doesn't just cover the needs that can be detected during pregnancy. How many people here in SN have DC's with genetic conditions that weren't picked up before birth???

OP posts:

ArthurPewty · 15/01/2011 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

purplepidjin · 15/01/2011 17:28

Before I finished uni I would have seriously considered it - because I wouldn't have been able to provide any decent standard of living for the child.

If baby/mum is terminally ill, I would also agree that termination should be a possibility.

For convenience? No fucking way. Having a baby is stressful and life-changing. SN make it more stressful - more inconvenient. So, to me, that puts it in the same category as having an abortion because you've booked a holiday for the same time as the due date...

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sarah293 · 15/01/2011 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

r3dh3d · 15/01/2011 17:53

Well. Maybe YABU, a little bit. Because when you say "a child isn't loved" you are assuming this lady thinks of the pregnancy as a "child" and that she believes a baby with SN is of lesser value. And judging her for it. Which - whether you agree with it or not - is NOT the view of most people contemplating termination. Most people who do antenatal testing think of it as a "blob" at this stage, or they wouldn't be considering this option, so it's more like there is no actual baby yet and they are deciding whether when they do have a baby it will have Downs, or not.

I've told a number of Norm friends about the hospital scanning me with DD2 onboard at 36 or 38 weeks, whatever it was, on the assumption I would terminate if DD2 was like DD1. And they were, without exception, horrified. They believed that by then, it was a baby, a child, and unless there were strong indications that the child would die soon after birth in unnecessary pain there was absolutely no excuse for treating an SN baby differently.

I found that obscurely comforting tbh.

cansu · 15/01/2011 17:54

I absolutely think this is a matter for everyone's own conscience. i don't think I am entitled to have a view on it tbh. It is her decision.

sarah293 · 15/01/2011 17:55

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sarah293 · 15/01/2011 19:04

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auntevil · 15/01/2011 19:33

Surely this is a thread about abortion and how we value life?
I agree that everyone has a right to make their own decisions, but surely a society that allows someone in a vunerable position to make a decision to abort purely on health and circumstance is a morally wrong society.
I am adopted, born to an underage mother. Should i not have been allowed to live?
There are many parents out there who would jump at the opportunity to adopt a child with a disability - and love it unconditionally.
IMO only - i feel strongly on this, can you tell?

Original poster

purplepidjin · 15/01/2011 21:25

In the case in point the mother is 39 and has three other children. This is a planned pregnancy - personally, I would count unplanned pregnancies, particularly rape etc, as different. I don't know why?

Her only (stated) reason for abortion would be the DS as he/she would be harder to parent than an NT baby...

I think that's what sickened me somewhat, that she would abort only because the baby doesn't match up to her idea of perfect, even though the risk of DS etc is significantly increased when the parents are over a certain age (35??)

OP posts:

2shoes · 15/01/2011 21:29

i have hiden the antenatal testing topic(I assume it is in there) the horrid thread in chat is bad enough.

sarah293 · 15/01/2011 21:42

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2shoes · 15/01/2011 21:44

tell m,e about Riv, I never get oh the "oh it will be to hard for me"
I think it is often an excuse

goingroundthebend4 · 16/01/2011 08:21

Thing is you dont what your caperable of till it happens .I know i certainly did not think i could tackle the Lea.Nhs the way I can do

But for me it was easier so i refused any tests as i knew what my decsions would be .And ds problems are not testable anyway .

But then i have supported a close friend through atermination as sadly she carrys a problem where by time her first daughter was dx at 4 months best of her life was over ( she died at 8 months which was 2 months more than she should ahve lived) so for her she has invansive testing

StartingAfresh · 16/01/2011 12:10

I think there is a lot wrong with our perceived control of life and life outcomes.

It makes parents of children with SN appear to have 'chosen' to live like that and therefore should not be a burden on society etc etc. It means that they get less sympathy and support.

In that context I can understand why a parent with a child with a potential SN would want to abort. It's frightening.

Until SNs are more widely accepted as 'normal' and 'acceptable' and 'worthy', and our general cultre is set up to make it more possible for children and adults with SN to be visible and independent to a certain extent, people will keep making these decisions.

I can understand it.

2shoes · 16/01/2011 12:14

your not wrong.
on the DS thread, Riv was told she made her choice........
WTF the ignorance is outstanding and tbh very offensive.
it belittles our dc's as it says they are tragic and not worthy
I have to say I have never understood this need to advertise the fact that you have terminated because of ds.
I know if I had I wouldn't be using it as a trump card.

sarah293 · 16/01/2011 12:33

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

purplepidjin · 16/01/2011 12:34

One person i work with has learning difficulties because of a traumatic birth. Under this woman's thinking, that person should have been terminated too, or so it seems

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Original poster

purplepidjin · 16/01/2011 12:36

2shoes, that's why I started a discussion here - we're having a proper adult conversation about our opinions and feelings without judging or slagging each other.

A person is a person - perhaps she's also the kind of person who will cut off their child when they come out as gay because that also doesn't conform to her idea of perfect?

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