If you sit with your child until they fall asleep...

[Handholdingsleep]

...how old are they?

My eldest is nearly 4 and we still stay with her until she's asleep. We've had a consistent routine since she was tiny and generally speaking she's asleep within 10 mins after the last story, but we have to sit next to her and either hold her hand or just be there. She goes through phases of waking up at night - and is calmly walked back to bed with another hand hold - but at the moment is sleeping through.

I don't mind sitting with her generally speaking - it's a nice time to connect. But she seems to have an anxiety about us leaving and it can be hard when doing solo bedtime if younger child isn't settling easily (also going through a stage of wanting to be cuddled to sleep).

Any tips if you've been there done that/still doing it?

Hi I hired a sleep consultant as my DD was so horrendous to leave at night. She'd just constantly wake as soon as she was alone and then the whole rigmarole would start all over. One thing that worked well for us, along with a consistent and visible routine (photos of the stages stuck up on her wardrobe) was the idea of a ribbon to connect her to me, even when I went to another room or downstairs. So she chose a pretty silk ribbon, very long, and the idea was she held one end and I held the other, and we'd stay connected all night.

I was worried at first, about her rolling over and getting wrapped up in the ribbon, but it was fine. I can't quite remember how we eventually stopped, I think she just decided one day. If you google it there's probably further details. Good luck!

She sounds similar to my DD. Same age. We coslept till 2.5, I was ok with it till I suddenly wasn’t and we moved her into her own room which wasn’t actually too bad.

Doesn’t generally take long to get her to sleep and she’s an only so it doesn’t really bother us (every so often she’ll throw a bedtime from hell in to keep us on our toes, but most nights she’s asleep within a few minutes of finishing the bedtime story). She doesn’t reliably sleep through at all though, maybe one or two nights a week she might.

We were starting to have some success with her listening to stories on the Yoto player,to fall asleep to, my plan was to get her used to this then start ‘nipping out’ whilst she listened telling her I’d be back in a few minutes. I’d set the story off then say I just had to go to the loo or tidy up or whatever, linger in the other room for a bit and then go back -repeat if she was still awake. Worked twice in a row she fell asleep the first time I went out, then she got wise to me and it totally stopped working, then we went on holiday and I haven’t tried since but it might be worth me giving it another go actually.

1. We don't mind it, it won't last forever. I can imagine it will stop when she can read well enough to read for a bit herself before sleeping . It doesn't take long and she likes us there.

I think this approach increases anxiety in the long run. I would have a chat about how you are 100% certain the house is safe and you’d never go downstairs if you didn’t think so, and she needs to lie there quietly and relax, even if it feels like she’s not going to get to sleep straight away. Children need confident leaders, and I think when we sit with them it reinforces the feeling that it can’t be that safe if you stay.

I gently encouraged mine to self soothe from around 2. My friend folllwed her child’s lead and as they got older they took longer to fall asleep. In the end my friend had a mattress on their dc floor and fell asleep on it because it took so long. The dc was about 10 when this was going on. Dc is now 12 almost 13 and in high school. He doesn’t need his mum to do this every night anymore but he absolutely refuses to be away from home at night and has missed out on a few school trips and sleepovers as a result

Not sure why it turned '5' into a bullet point!

We have a baby too, it does make it harder, but she's pretty good if there's only one of us there and we have to nip out to see to the other one.

Two of mine like to be sat with until they fall asleep, the youngest of them is 4 and the oldest of them is 7!

The 7 year old falls asleep quickly to be fair, so you're only sitting there for max ten minutes and in my mind if it gives him a feeling of security and safety while he goes to sleep then that's what I'm here for. It's a want rather than a need for him though, he can fall asleep alone. Even my nine year old occasionally asks one of us to sit with him, it's no bother really and they are only young for a short time.

The four year old is a messer however and can take ages to fall asleep so that's a bit of a different story - it does annoy me, but if you leave her then she just gets up and the whole thing starts again. We have no real plan to stop sitting with her though, I hope it will just evolve that she sleeps easier eventually!

We did with DD until a couple of months ago (she's 4.6). We've been working on it with her - stepping out of the room for "a few minutes, then I'll come back and check on you" etc. Now 9/10 she'll go to sleep on her own but occasionally she'll ask us to stay with her, and we generally oblige. They're only little for such a short time!

We started to make the change when we realised we weren't actually helping any more - it could take 20-30 mins for her to drop off because she couldn't help but try to talk to us. Now she's out in 5-10 mins max on her own.

If you want to try to wean her off the company I suggest trying the pop in-pop out strategy.

We managed to stop at just 4, she’s now almost 5. She listens to Yoto now instead. I sometimes miss it though!

One of ours liked this and then they just moved on. Once they are old enough to choose to read or have you stay they choose to read. It’s self- resolving and quite a nice routine I think. They will soon be slamming the door shut as teens! These years pass quickly and if it isn’t interrupting your sleep I don’t see the harm.

We're still doing it at..... 7 and 9 😱

Stop then!

Still doing this and he’s 5.5. Although we’ve recently got him a double bed and it’s so comfy so often I fall asleep and stay there all night with him and I love it

I'm still doing this with DS9! To be fair, he's usually asleep within 5-10 minutes but he still wants me there. Going to try and crack this during the summer holidays.

9 here to. DD does have adhd, which means her mind is buzzing at bedtime. If you try to leave she just follows you.

12!!! But there is neurodiversity and major sleep difficulties in the mix.
younger one is fine with sleep and responds to a bit of effort with the usual strategies, so it’s not the parenting…

10 I just roll with it I know it won't be forever

We're still doing it at 7! I actually quite like it and like others have said, it won't last forever!

2.5. Goes in phases... at the moment she won't sleep without us outside her room:/

This was us and it did eventually stop around 9 — I have no regrets. DD is mid-teens now and I enjoy her company hugely but I do also think with great fondness of those evenings sitting quietly beside her bed.

It was hard on the joints though, I don’t miss that (wooden floors)

Still doing it at 6, like others said it's not forever, it's precious time and we both love it.

ds1 is 5 and we do bedtime in the "big bed" stories, chat and cuddles. Dh tends to fall asleep up there with him. We're introducing ds2 to the same routine. It's nice to sit with him and talk about his day, he seems more willing to talk about the bad parts of his day in bed.
He is able to go to bed alone and sometimes he wants to.

When I was a child in the 80’s it seemed to be a bit of a big deal. It was seen as babyish not to go to bed alone and even nightlights were sort of seen as a concession to development that was somehow faintly inappropriate.

I think parenting is more accepting of nature these days. It’s natural for children to want their parents near when slipping into a state of prone and vulnerable lack of awareness. In caves it would have been dangerous for a child to sleep alone. If staying a short while eases stress I don’t see the harm. I remember lying wide-eyed in a dark room, the moonlight making things look strange, and feeling very alone and conscious that I would meet with faint disapproval if I ventured out. I guess it didn’t harm me long term; but I’m not sure it did me any good.

Mine is 2, co sleeps and was bf at night until recently so I get into bed with her at 9pm, which I don't mind/enjoy. But reading the comments here I'm going to try put her down on her own to avoid making her too dependent on company!

We weaned off lying with them to get them to sleep in the threes. We went from sitting next to them, to sitting at the end of the bed, standing in the doorway, then letting them to go sleep by themselves. It worked well and was gentle for the child.