I need support and encouragement

[CasaMundi]

DS is 12 months old. Always been a terrible sleeper, reflux, CMPA, EBF, cosleeping... the best night we've ever had is 4 wakes. I personally do not want to sleep train with a crying method. I've spent many months getting to the point that he can fall asleep next to me without me doing anything. If it has helped the night waking , it's not by a great deal. I'm going back to work this week, I've had a viciously evil chesty, snotty bug or two continually since end of November and now to add insult to injury I've got a D&V bug picked up from nursery. I must get him self settling. I cannot do this anymore. Posting for support and encouragement.

If he can fall asleep without you doing anything then sounds like a gradual retreat approach might work? Do you co-sleep or just resettle in his own room for night wakings?

Thanks @TooMinty . Currently he falls asleep in my bed and I resettle him there... admittedly most often with boobs. I have bought a floor bed for his room as I found getting him down in the cot without shhh pat impossible. Plan is to get him asleep on his floor bed tonight, lying next to him as I currently do, then try to retreat from there on subsequent nights

My friend had success with a floor bed, although she had to start with it in her room and move gradually to his. But I'd try your way first! Have you got something for him to cuddle, a bear or blankie? An audiobook on low volume worked for us but he might have been closer to 18 months by then. Good luck 🤞🏻 x

Those are good ideas. He has white noise. I usually give him his last feed with a light show projector on to keep him awake before we go through to the bedroom. I could try leaving that on to capture his attention and stop him crying for me? I've tried blankies and toys and he's totally disinterested.

Projector is a good idea as it's already part of your bedtime routine 😊
Mine both started indifferent to cuddly toys then went the other way and their beds are full of them!

Well first night is done. He went to sleep no bother in the floor bed. With the projector on there were fewer complaints than normal (in fact none) and less obsessive clawing at my boobs too! Tomorrow will be a bigger challenge if I take myself off the bed.

I’m here with encouragement and support… no advice really! But you’re doing a great job already supporting him with his sleep. I am sure you will get there! And I am told it does get better so keep being there for him and you will see some improvements soon.
Good luck with your return to work! From a co sleeping EBF mama of a nearly 12 month old to another x

Thanks @Brightandbreezey that's a really lovely, positive message x I feel quite tearful. I'm just so shattered and poorly.

Is this first winter at nursery? It’s MURDER. For me second winter is a lot better, and now I’ve weaned I can also look after myself better with First Defence and other medication.

Good luck with the floor bed - that made the world of difference to us. Kiddo is a lot happier with it and when we need to, we can have a comfortable night next to her.

If you’ve got the energy you might like The No-Cry Sleep Solution, it’s a slightly old book but with lots of practical tips that go well with a gentler approach.

Thank you @growglass, first week of nursery! My DD went to a childminder at this age so it was a smaller cesspit. Plus as she was a covid era baby I guess things weren't circulating in quite the same way. I did read The No-Cry Sleep Solution with my DD and again with my DS. I never had any luck with the Pantley pull off (did I remember that right?) enraged both of mine!

That's night two done. I lay on the floor next to the mattress with just my head on the corner of the floor bed. He couldn't reach me at all. No complaints again! I think the light projector is really helping. Took him a while to fall asleep and the floor was really uncomfortable, especially when I'm still coughing and spluttering, but it's another step in the right direction. It occurred to me that lying there puts my head right by the doorway (he's in the box room). Maybe I can just slide out a foot at a time?

Sounds like it's going really well!

Yes it is. Still no improvement in night waking though. I remember with DD it was like weird voodoo magic and suddenly down to one or two wakes when she settled to sleep on her own without me in the room. I understand the theory of why this happens but I still find it bonkers! Tonight will be a bigger challenge again as it's a nursery day and he doesn't manage decent naps there yet.

Hopefully it won't take long to get there, the broken nights are a killer but the end is in sight 😊

Night three is done. MUCH harder. He'd only managed about 25 minutes sleep all day and they said he was gnawing on everything so he'll be teething too. He had a little blood blister on his gum that popped overnight. I felt really bad pushing him when he's probably in discomfort but it feels like a crisis for our family at the moment, with both DH and I really poorly. I can comfort myself that he really didn't cry with fear or sadness. He moaned and yelled in anger, said a lot of 'aaa mama' and slammed his legs on the mattress. Initially I rubbed his belly or tapped his side to the rhythm of some songs to get him to calm down. It seemed to work but he ramped up again when I stopped touching him. I tried continuing to sing until I started coughing up some unholy things so i stopped and just said 'sleepy time' when he yelled. It actually seemed to work more quickly than singing had so singing was probably overstimulating him. I lay completely off the mattress with not even my head there so technically progress from yesterday. It doesn't feel nice though. I'm worried that he's not sleeping, eating or drinking well at nursery. I remember this stage with my DD and I thought I'd have more perspective having been through it with her, but turns out it feels just as bad (for me) second time round.

Don't want to speak too soon but I think he might have gone back off to sleep on his own after first wake without getting at all upset.

Yeah it's helpful to remember there's a difference between upset "I need something" crying and over-tired crying because I didn't nap at nursery. It's tough when you're feeling rubbish though. I will cross my fingers that he did self-sooth for that wake up and he's on the way to self settling. You can do this x

I did a gradual withdrawal thing and what I liked was that I could monitor DD and could feel when she was actually distressed, vs moaning at me ‘this isn’t how we usually do it and I don’t like it’.

Yes I agree with you both. And he did self soothe last night! DH went in to him for subsequent wake ups so I didn't feed him again until 2am. My boob was honestly cuboid it was so full! I just have to keep going. I think I might sit in the doorway tonight (that's really not much further away but it will be a big change for him because I've lain down with him for months).

That’s great! You’re all doing great. Take care of your poor boobs, definitely a risky time for blocked ducts and mastitis…

Fourth night done. Although he'd slept a bit better at nursery today (2x30 min naps) he actually seemed even more tired when he got home. Whinging and moan-type crying constantly. The actual settling was significantly easier than last night. I sat up next to the bed (so not quite as ambitious as I'd hoped to be). He moaned a bit but much less than before I put him on the bed and nothing compared to yesterday. He's awake again already though. Currently listening to him moaning and wondering if I need to go in or if he can do this one on his own as he did last night.

Tomorrow I will definitely get myself sitting up in the doorway. It feels tantalisingly close to finished and with so little distress! Although the last year has been hellish for sleep deprivation I feel glad to have done it this way rather than leave him for intervals to cry on his own.

Day 5 is done. I was in the doorway with my bum on the hallway carpet and it was easy as anything. Maybe two minutes of moaning and a few leg slams. I think I said 'sleepy time' three times? Then he lay quietly and watched the projector, with the tip of his finger in his mouth. Honestly no wonder my nipples have felt so abused this year if that's what he does to them at night when I'm half asleep and attempting to ignore him!

This process is making me think that if you devote time and patience to the groundwork and find a method that works for them, once they're ready, it's not hard or very distressing. More fool me, after finding my son so much harder than DD to get to sleep, I thought I had learnt never to generalise from your own experience 😊

It's hard to think objectively when you're sleep deprived and managing two small kids!

Sounds like you have pretty much cracked it, well done 😊