What am I doing wrong ? Please help

[Bubba1208]

I posted a similar thread a few days ago , tried the advice given , unfortunately nothing worked so I'm posting again in hopes a miracle comes by , hope that's okay 🤞🏼

I have a 2 week old DS who's will not sleep unless he's in someone's arms. Me & DP are currently passing DS over every 3 hours during the night in hope for sleep. It's now at the point we're bickering & having a competition on who's more tired 🙄

I'll write what we've tried so far & id be grateful if someone could say yes that's right , no that's wrong this is how you should do it

Swaddling - DS manages to get his arms free quite easily & we have to rewrap him several times before DP decides to take it off ( repeatedly told him not to )
White noise / nature sounds - that makes us sleepy instead
Holding baby until deep sleep then transfer to crib
Letting baby get drowsy then transfer to crib
Lights off / night light on
Changed teats on bottle for fuller feed ( hv advised )
Our scent in the basket
Hand on chest as he's lowered in the crib
Stroking his face

He's easier to put down during the day , but night time is a different story. The screaming is piercing , we've apologised several times to neighbours

HV visited today & didn't seem concerned - just said this is what babies do
I'm aware he's so small & young & is still finding his way but I'd love to know if there's something we're not grasping
Me & DP aren't feeling 100% today so this hasn't helped

I'm a ftm & I can't begin to explain how many times I've cried over this. I adore my son , words can never explain how much I love him but I feel so useless

TIA

What’s the temperature like in the room? Are you sort of burrito swaddling?

@LouiseTrees temp is 17 degrees in the room
Hv advised us to keep it between 16/18 degrees

We are doing the burrito style swaddling , got some excellent blankets from amazon.
It's his left arm - he always manages to be able to get it out
We've ordered a different brand of blankets in case it's the product themselves been defective

16 degrees is cold. My dd was in 20 degree room in layers and with a sleeping bag.

He's still very little and getting used to surroundings. It will be rough for the next couple of weeks but it will settle down.

If he's getting out of swaddling it's not tight enough. There's growbags you can buy for swaddling if you don't want to swaddle tighter than you currently are.

Have you tried velcro swaddles? I bought some on Amazon, because my DD always managed to escape out of the swaddle blankets - game changer!!

I think that’s too cold to be honest. I would try zip/Velcro swaddle and proper white noise not nature sounds. Also a dummy may help

I've turned the thermostat up on the remote & also on the boiler 👌🏼

Have you tried co sleeping?

Also, the initial few weeks are hellish - you're not doing anything wrong, newborns are hard work. I feel like I didn't sleep at all for the first 6 weeks or so. It does get easier in time.

@Albgo this is gonna sound so thick - but what is the definition of co sleeping ?
I've read many different definitions on google & was slightly confused

In terms of been close to us , I've had the Moses basket up against the bed , with my hand in the basket / leaning over the side talking away to reassure him I'm still there - doesn't make a difference

@Bubba1208 my little boy was the same as yours! It’s really really tough! Husband and I used to do half the night each sitting holding him while the other got a bit of sleep. He was also breastfed and was feeding every 1.5 hours so even when DH had him, he kept having to come and wake me to do feeds 😓😴
I promise it does get easier!! I think my DS was like that until 3-4 weeks. Keep trying to put him down. He’ll eventually go! Have you looked at the Love To Dream swaddle? My DS hated being swaddled in blankets and could always escape and he hated having blankets over him in the night. He had a very strong startle reflex too so every time he was put down he’d startle awake! LTD swaddle let’s them sleep in a natural position but holds them enough to stop the startle.
Also...16-18 degrees is what I was recommended by midwives and HV too and is what we’ve always gone with. Just make sure baby is dressed appropriately for it. It’s better for babies to be cool rather than overheating. I’ve done room about 17ish with baby in a babygrow and 2.5tog swaddle/sleeping bag since birth.

@Squish3 it's so exhausting isn't it
Hoping your DH isn't as much of a drama queen about sleep as mine is

How did you find the sleeping bags ?
The ones I have , have no arms to them so I dunno if he'd feel just as "exposed" as he does sleeping with a blanket
DP is due up in the next 40 mins ( we have to set alarms 😂) I'll get him grab one out of DS room & we'll try one

I'm hopeful that it doesn't last long
It just feels like eternity

@Bubba1208 ohh it was a steep learning curve for my DH! I’ve always been a terrible sleeper so I could manage but DH needs his sleep or he can’t function at all the next day! My DS is 17 weeks and still wakes twice in the night for feeds so we’re still on broken sleep lol. Husband works offshore too so it’s just me here most of the time!!

My DS is in sleeping bags now with his arms out. We moved him into those once he outgrew the first size of Love To Dream swaddle so maybe about 5-6 weeks ago. But before that we always used the LTD swaddle so that he didn’t startle himself awake.

Poor you, this sounds terrible!

I posted on your last thread about co-sleeping with my DD for just a couple of weeks, which I think helped her get used to sleeping on a flat surface. That meant having her in the bed with me - Google Lullaby Trust safe co-sleeping and you'll find guidelines on how to do it in a low risk way (much safer than having him on you if there's any risk he could fall off). It definitely wasn't for us long term - we didn't feel our bed was large enough for the three of us so it consigned my partner to the sofa, which is shorter than he is! Also, I wasn't terribly comfortable sleeping on my side and missed having my duvet pulled all the way up to my chin BUT having said all that, it was definitely preferable to doing shifts awake with her, which we did the first couple of weeks. Some people stick with it longer term or you can try it as a stop-gap measure, like we did.

NB. Not recommended to use swaddles if co-sleeping I think, they're better off in a sleeping bag. Tommee Tippee do ones that fit when they're tiny (many 0-6 month ones actually have a minimum weight of 10lbs).

And for swaddling in the Moses basket - I would definitely second trying velcro swaddle blankets if you're not already. Little Seeds are good and not too pricey. What stage are you putting the swaddle on? DD did not like the process of being swaddled so we basically had to get her to sleep with a combination of feeding and shhiing/walking and then put her in the swaddle and then do some shhhing and walking up and down a bit to get her fully back to sleep as she had inevitably woken up a bit. Trying to swaddle her fully awake was a nightmare.

@Etherealhedgehog

Poor you, this sounds terrible!

I posted on your last thread about co-sleeping with my DD for just a couple of weeks, which I think helped her get used to sleeping on a flat surface. That meant having her in the bed with me - Google Lullaby Trust safe co-sleeping and you'll find guidelines on how to do it in a low risk way (much safer than having him on you if there's any risk he could fall off). It definitely wasn't for us long term - we didn't feel our bed was large enough for the three of us so it consigned my partner to the sofa, which is shorter than he is! Also, I wasn't terribly comfortable sleeping on my side and missed having my duvet pulled all the way up to my chin BUT having said all that, it was definitely preferable to doing shifts awake with her, which we did the first couple of weeks. Some people stick with it longer term or you can try it as a stop-gap measure, like we did.

NB. Not recommended to use swaddles if co-sleeping I think, they're better off in a sleeping bag. Tommee Tippee do ones that fit when they're tiny (many 0-6 month ones actually have a minimum weight of 10lbs).

And for swaddling in the Moses basket - I would definitely second trying velcro swaddle blankets if you're not already. Little Seeds are good and not too pricey. What stage are you putting the swaddle on? DD did not like the process of being swaddled so we basically had to get her to sleep with a combination of feeding and shhiing/walking and then put her in the swaddle and then do some shhhing and walking up and down a bit to get her fully back to sleep as she had inevitably woken up a bit. Trying to swaddle her fully awake was a nightmare.

Though actually just remembered you mentioned teat size - I think if he's bottle fed co-sleeping is not recommended as risk is higher, from what I recall. Sending you crap sleep solidarity - one way or another, he will get better soon!

Haven't read all the replies but I sympathise as my now 13-week old was the same until he was 10 weeks. I survived on a few hours sleep between 10pm-12pm and 5am-8am.

FTM here also, and I've realised temperature was a big issue. I followed the guidelines of the sleeping bag manufacturers, but only realised recently my LO was far too underdressed. We now have the temp at 20 and he's in vest, sleepsuit and 2.5 tog sleeping bag. I was always so worried about him overheating that I erred on the side of caution too much.

I'm not saying that was the only factor, but definitely one. We also suspected he had silent reflux, so worth ruling that out.

Otherwise, I'm afraid to say that time was the main thing that helped... it's just the 4th trimester I'm afraid and you just need to do whatever you can to ride it out until he grows out of it.

It's so tough though i know, but it WILL improve x

Are you breast feeding ?

Your problem is that you're expecting too much of the baby.

Plus you are both dead tired and all you can think of is how to get some sleep.

Try co sleeping.

This means having the baby in your bed with you.

Have you considered having DP sleep somewhere else.

In return for a full night's sleep he does every single thing that needs to be done around the house until you are getting at least 6 unbroken hours nightly.

Included in 'doing everything' is keeping on top of shopping lists, planning meals, shopping, cleaning up, cleaning the kitchen.

It means doing things that need to be done without being reminded and without needing you to applaud.

It includes daily hoovering and sweeping, weekly deep cleaning of the while house, all laundry including bedding.

It also includes all admin - renewing insurance, MOT, paying all bills, etc

Info on co-sleeping here www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

I'd advise kicking your partner out if you decide to co-sleep as it will be much comfier for you and him. Your baby might still want to be in your arms for now though. If so, taking it in turns is probably your best option. Just know its perfectly normal even though its SO hard. Also, if it helps to know, my friends baby was like this for the first few weeks. He went on to start sleeping through the night before 3 months (was also EBF).

@Paris2019 Is baby not far too hot in that?! 😳 (I don’t mean that in a judgey way - you know what works for your baby 😊) I’m always so paranoid about temperature but my little one is really restless at night and I always worry that he’s too hot or cold! I’ve been following manufacturers guidelines and it tells me at 20degrees in a 2.5tog bag baby should only be in a long sleeved vest 😳
I’ve been doing room at 17/18degrees, 2.5tog bag and just in a sleepsuit 😳 am I freezing my child?! 😬

@Squish3 don't worry - if you are, I am too! We've also been following the guidelines and pre-regression she was sleeping up to 8 hrs and only seemed to wake with hunger, so I assume not uncomfortable. But lots of people do say their babies are too cold like that - I guess they're all different!

@squish3 ... I used to put him in just a long sleeved vest and 2.5 tog sleeping bag in 18-20 degrees but after reading a couple of threads on here lots of people said they put more layers on than that, and when I tried it he did sleep better (possibly coincidence but I think it was a factor!) I'm temperature obsessed and constantly monitoring my DS and he's never felt hot dressed like that... but as you say, every baby is different I guess!

@Paris2019 I guess you can only start with the guidelines then follow your own instincts 🤷🏻‍♀️ My little guy is naturally quite warm so I think more layers would be too much for him. During the day when he’s in a vest and babygrow and the house is at 18ish I put him in a 1tog sleeping bag for his naps 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Etherealhedgehog my little one is 17 weeks and is mid-regression just now 😬🙈 and teething furiously 😅 so there’s not much sleep being had in this house 🙈

Utterly utterly normal. Your baby should still be inside you. Lying alone is completely alien to him.

Read up on the fourth trimester.

Try not to pick baby up the minute they start to cry, sometimes they are not crying for us, but just to help themselves get off to sleep, as it's the only noise they can make at the moment. Try to work out the babies different cries and not jump to pick them up if it's not their distressed cry. You may find after a few shouty cries, that they may well put themselves back to sleep.
Good luck! I also have a 2 week old and am in the same boat!!