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MNHQ

Pushy wannabe grandparents - were/are your parents superkeen for you to provide them with grandchildren?

44 replies

JustineMumsnet · 05/02/2009 15:07

And if so what's the best way to manage their expectations/ tell them to ease off?

BBC Radio Manchester would like to know Mumsnet's thoughts...

(Thanks as ever!)

OP posts:

SalBySea · 05/02/2009 15:12

never refuse a glass of wine in their presence, it gets their hopes up!

BrownSuga · 05/02/2009 15:14

Generally it was unspoken. But the FIRST time I met them, DHs mother whispered to him, you're going to have beautiful children. After that, on the occasional time it was mentioned, we'd just say when we are ready or smile mysteriously.

ScummyMummy · 05/02/2009 15:17

Gracious me, no. My father acted like I was a particularly foolish and shockingly promiscuous 13 year old when I informed him that he was to be a granddaddy.

KingRolo · 05/02/2009 15:18

We were mystified when my MiL gave up her daytime job and took on nightwork a couple of years ago. My dh asked why she did this and she said it was so she could look after her grandchild during the day when I went back to work after maternity leave. I wasn't even pregnant when this happened!

TrillianAstra · 05/02/2009 15:23

The best way to get MIL off your back? Have DP's big brother announce he is going to be a daddy, of course!

TrillianAstra · 05/02/2009 15:23

I meant to put a at the end of that.

tumtumtetum · 05/02/2009 15:28

My dad suggested that because of my age and being single, i should just go and get pg and he would support me and the baby financially.

That's more than a hint

I told him to stop being so bloody ridiculous.

After I met DH and had DD he went around telling everyone in the neighbourhood "well obviously i never thought that it was going to happen now" implication being that I was way over the hill (in my very early 30's)

cmotdibbler · 05/02/2009 15:46

We were married for 9 years before we had DS - and before we were even married DH's brothers had provided his parents with 5 grandchildren. But MIL went on about it at every opportunity, and FIL even asked me before we married how my work might affect any children

SO we just adopted the broken record technique - every inquiry was met with 'we're not discussing it' and refusing to get drawn into a discussion.

OhBling · 05/02/2009 15:57

Oh my word, yes. My mum has been obsessed for years about getting grandchildren and has tried everything from blatant questions to reverse psychology to pathetic whining.

My personal favourite was when she told me, "I don't mind not having grandchildren so much for myself, but your father... he would make such a wonderful grandfather".

But we just tell her we'll get to it when we get to it.

Oh, and NEVER tell her you're TTC. my sister made that mistake and we all had to live with it. Mum had constant questions and concerns and mostly transmitted them through me as she didn't want to talk to my DSis about it!

stealthsquiggle · 05/02/2009 16:02

Generally unspoken - well, MIL might have nagged hinted but was so firmly warned off by DH that by the time we did announce we were expecting (7 years after we got married) both lots of parents had assumed that we didn't want DC and had given up.

I would echo the advice to not say anything about TTC. It would have been a nightmare (although my poor DM did worry that I was depressed without knowing why)

offerdilemma · 05/02/2009 16:02

Mum REALLY wanted to have grandkids. And now I have ds she is committed and loving nanny - I honestly dont know what I what do without her help.

I didnt really ask her to manage her expectations, but did used to wind her up about the 'pitter patter of tiny feet' whenever I got a new pet

Lizzylou · 05/02/2009 16:03

My Mom went on about it constantly for years, I was with DH for 6 years before we married, we lived together for 4 of those years.
I don't think there was one conversation in all that time that didn't mention marriage and children.
Her favourites:
"You will make beautiful babies"
"When am I going to be a Grandmother?"
"Well you'd better start having a family soon as you'll be too used to being selfish"
"I don't want to be an Old Grandmother"

She wonders why I moved 120 miles away (and tried to emigrate to NZ)

cyteen · 05/02/2009 16:03

my dad never seemed the slightest bit interested, it used to quite annoy me actually - i'd drop hints that DP and i were thinking of starting a family and he would just say 'oh right' and then carry on talking about his job/guitarists he likes/how this country has been ruined by Thatcher. he loves being a grandad now though

PIL are quite sane, thankfully, so never went overboard.

MrsJoeMcIntyre · 05/02/2009 16:16

Not at all. My mum was always very keen on the idea of me having a baby, but reacted very strangely when I told her I was pregnant - she went all quiet and strange for a few weeks. She says now it was a very difficult thing for her to get her head around, that her baby was having a baby.

But I actually think she prefers dd to me now!

loler · 05/02/2009 16:26

My DM was very pushy, I was very frim in my line of not wanting any children and talking about holidays booked. She was very suprised when we told her about dd.

Suprisingly now she's not that fussed with the dgc.

The best way to cope is smile and nod whenever they mention dc (then completely ignore the conversation). Keep this up once pg and then forever after they are born. They are trying to help (normally) and it makes them happy to thing you are considering their advice, easier not to correct them!

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 05/02/2009 16:26

My parents weren't pushy but as soon as we said we were having a baby she talked about "Her" baby and now she talks about "her" boys.

I have never known how to tell her how much it gets me - They arent hers!!! they are mine!! because it probably just highlights the issues I have with my mother anyway.

spicemonster · 05/02/2009 16:30

They never said anything but cried when I announced my pregnancy and my mum does call my DS 'our' little boy. Which is slightly annoying but as she travels 40 miles each way to look after him one day a week, I don't feel I can really complain!

mckenzie · 05/02/2009 16:47

my DH's grandmother was the one who put pressure on us, telling us all the time that her neighbour/friend/lady in shop "has grandchildren and she's much younger than me".
We were trying all the time and just not getting pregnant so it was quite hard to deal with.

ChippyMinton · 05/02/2009 17:17

My parents and their friends used to indulge in competitive grandparenting "I have 6 grandchildren" "Well I have 7" sort of thing.
It only stopped when their friends trumped them with a great grandchild.

JulesJules · 05/02/2009 17:28

They never said anything, but they were very keen to be grandparents (I found out later!) and were so happy when I had the DCs. They are very involved and see them most days.

oopsacoconut · 05/02/2009 17:36

We had been married 20mins when MIL asked - so when are you going to give us grandkiddies? We told them we were getting a cat and when it died we might consider children. It left them shocked but they didn't ask again and then when we announced we were expecting our DD they were more pleased than we ever imagined!

whomovedmychocolate · 05/02/2009 18:27

We didn't get any pressure as everyone assumed we wouldn't have kids - DH was told he was infertile in his first marriage and I was ensconced in a busy career and described kids as 'snotmeisters'. (I still do actually ).

DownyEmerald · 05/02/2009 18:55

in-laws often mentioned it - we were together 9 years before I was pregnant.

Trouble with in-laws talking about things - like getting married - which still haven't got round to - is it puts my back up and makes it much less likely to happen. Childish I know!

My parents were determindly unpushy and never mentioned it. So much in fact I wasn't sure how they would react to the news. Their delighted reactions are two of my happiest memories

Cies · 05/02/2009 19:04

I know that both my parents and PIL are waiting with baited breath for us to announce a pg. We've been married 1.5 years and ttc 1 year(although they don't know that).

My mother does know that I had a mc though, and has since mentioned once "are you still trying to add to the family?"

PIL have been very restrained with me, although FIL asked DH directly if we were planning on having children. He was very relieved when DH informed him that we were.

SparkyFartDust · 05/02/2009 19:43

Pressure here.

My mum bought my DP and I a child's height measuring stick and a set of Miffy books for a Christmas present (we had been together for 3 years).

I don't have any tips as to the best way of pouring cold water on this desperate type of behaviour and pressure. I was so desperate to have a baby myself that it almost seemed like a sane thing for her to have done at the time.

In retrospect I can see that both she and I were completely unhinged.

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