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MNHQ

Pushy wannabe grandparents - were/are your parents superkeen for you to provide them with grandchildren?

44 replies

JustineMumsnet · 05/02/2009 15:07

And if so what's the best way to manage their expectations/ tell them to ease off?

BBC Radio Manchester would like to know Mumsnet's thoughts...

(Thanks as ever!)

OP posts:

eandh · 05/02/2009 19:57

pil were cool as sil had her ds at 21 [bit of an accident] and then her dd 19months later, MIL looked after them 2 days a week and was just looking forward to some child free time when we announced dd1 arrival and she looks after her [and dd2] day a week for us

My mum and dad couldnt wait for us to have dc, we got married in July and my Dad was asking when we were going to try, we told them we wanted at least 6 months to ourselves [whilst ttc from the month before we got married ] eventually fell g at christmas and told them in January and had a scan at 10 weeks as soon as we saw hwartbeat my Mum was out buying white sleeshuits etc etc [in fact her house had everything we needed and even though the dd's are 2 and 4 they always has spare pj's, clothes, swimming suits, toothbrushes etc at theirs and Mum loves her 1 day a week with them whilst I work [and dd1 often invites herself to stay with no warning so no panicing about clothes etc]

almeida · 05/02/2009 20:12

How lucky you all are to have such caring parents who cherish their families. The family is the most important thing there is.

My story is the complete opposite - my mother did nothing for her grandchildren, gave them nothing and took no interest.

notquitenormal · 05/02/2009 20:13

We never had any pressure. Not a word in the 12 years we were together before I got pregnant.

DP's parents never asked becuase they are very religious and frown on such things before marriage.

My parent's never asked because they understand the concept of minding their own business.

His parent's reaction was, 'I don't suppose you'll be getting married now?' (um, no) and my parent's reaction was, 'It's about time!'

Shitemum · 05/02/2009 20:47

My Mum had started to make comments along the lines of 'I've given up hope of ever being a grandmother now'. I'm the eldest of 4 siblings so it was mostly directed at me. My sister and I had both been with our partners since our early 20's so it was fair enough I suppose.
I finally produced the first grandchild for her at the age of 35. Within 3 years between my sister, my younger brother and I she had 5. She can't complain.

Sidge · 05/02/2009 21:10

My MIL said to me on my wedding day "Now don't wait too long to start a family - you're not getting any younger you know". I was 25!

I wondered if she wanted us to sweep the meal from the top table and get going there and then...

To be fair, she and FIL tried for many years to have children and were unable to, before adopting DH and his sister, but I was still gobsmacked that she could be so blatant!

Milliways · 05/02/2009 21:19

We got married at 20 and after many hints I told MIL point blanc that kids weren't on th Agenda until I was at least 26!

She was a little shocked, but left us alone. and was over the moon when we obliged at 24

EffiePerine · 05/02/2009 21:34

My mother said 'you don't want to be one of those granny mothers'. I was in my 20s . Had DS1 at 31, obv over the hill by that time...

MIL bought us a child's chair 'for putting things on'

we married at 23 and gaily ignored all hints until we were ready to have kids

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 05/02/2009 21:55

I know it doesn't really answer your question but whenever anyone asked me (pre-children) when I was goign to start a family I'd reply that I'd much rather just have Grandchildren.

Actually after a day like today, I reckon there's some truth in that statement

Peachy · 05/02/2009 22:22

My aprents weren't, but my Uncle kept asking after the day we (my sisters and I) turned 16: there just seme to be no concept that we might just want to do other things fiorst because we were just girls.

Thankfully my parents are a bit more enlightened! The only way to deal with itwas to just say 'when I am ready' and walk \way, it wasn't as if we were going to change his opinions after 60 years on the planet.

DH's Mum nagged him from the day he left college, bizarre as un til he met me he didnt ahve a serious GF! He let her think he was gay- she assumed it because he was single so he just chose to not tackle it and let her moce onto (still childless) BIL.

Funnily enough my aprnets are really involved grandparents, MIL has long vanished into the perfect carpet paranoia of the no grandchild zone.

Lemontart · 05/02/2009 22:34

While it is your right not to discuss your private family planning decisions with anyone other than your partner, sometimes it is easier just being frank with your parents and parents in law. If you know you are definitely not thinking about starting a family or expanding your family, it can be easier just saying that to them than dealing with all the expectant smiles and little open ended comments.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/02/2009 23:00

I agree that the best idea is to be completely uninterested in "sproglets" for your entire life, and then when you meet a bloke who's a bit of alright and change your mind, you keep completely quiet about it. Most people in my family still think that my two daughters (conceived through many rounds of expensive fertility treatment) were actually accidents.

nooka · 06/02/2009 04:32

Me and dh are both the youngest in our families and were already Aunts and Uncles when we got married. Our children got my parents ready "broken in" but never met dh's mum, as she died the night dh asked me to marry him.

JollyPirate · 06/02/2009 07:43

Oh yes - all those meaningful comments. My MIL couldn't wait to be a grandmother - sadly neither of my sisters in law could have children so my MIL was especially desperate for me to "make a start". My darling son triumphed in not only being born but arriving slap bang on my MILs 67th birthday - she says that she couldn't have asked for a better gift and it was lovely to see her cradling DS in her arms a few moments after he was born. DS is 6 now but he and MIL are still very much "partners in crime" and it's great to see them together.

Jux · 06/02/2009 08:37

My MIL assumed my only function was as the vessel by which she would be delivered of grandchildren.

She was truly awful. We've moved a looooong way away from her.

AnguaVonUberwald · 06/02/2009 09:01

I got pregnant, and sadly miscarried, a few months before DH and i married. We had told everyone we were pregnant, so after the miscarriage SIL and MIL were all waiting with bated breath for an announcment.

However we just got on with it, and this time waited till after the 12 week scan before telling them anything about it. I found out later they were even dreaming about me being pregnant and discussing it constantly.

Straight after DS was born: "when are you having the next one, you need to get on with it if you want three - hahahaha".

Firstly I don't want three, and secondly I am not even sure yet about if and when we will try for a second!

I have handled this by saying - "not ready for a second yet" but not even hinted that we might not have another, as I don't want them involved in those discussions.

They have mostly backed off - but I do know if I even hinted that I wasn't drinking they would be talking about it between themselves, and I suspect they are looking for any suggestions that I might be. However as long as they don't pester me about it I don't really care.

I would second those that say - just tell them you aren't planning on it for the moment, hopefully they then stop talking to you about it, what they talk about among themselves, you have no control over.

Incedentally my mother seems desperate for me NOT to have a second, not quite sure why!

MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 10:00

We did not have any pressure, from either parents. We did have some comments from other family members until I had a miscarriage and they thankfully stopped asking.

Both sets of grandparents were delighted when we did have DD then DS two years later and spend as much time as possible with them.

I do agree with not saying anything, but sometimes it is better to say, "Look, we would love children but sadly it has not happened yet but when it does you will be the first to know" to stop the questions. I found them particularly hard to bear when TTCing and after having 2 miscarriages.

MNHQ

JustineMumsnet · 06/02/2009 14:39

thanks everyone - these were hilarious!

OP posts:

MNHQ

JustineMumsnet · 06/02/2009 14:40

Sorry not the miscarriage ones obviously... sorry, sorry [crass emoticon]

OP posts:

muffle · 06/02/2009 14:47

Yes, from my mum. It wasn't straight-out-with-it pressure, it was self-pity and weird mind games. For example when DP and I went to stay with her, she put a photo of my ex with his new wife and baby by our bed! And she regaled me with sorry tales of bumping into her friends in town and how they all had perfect grandchildren, while she had "nothing to show for" her 3 daughters as they were all "gay or barren" (one of my sisters is gay)

There was not even a fertility issue, we just hadn't had a baby yet in our 30s. Now I have had one, she talks pitifully about how sad I must be not to have had another and how terrible it is for DS. We are actually TTC another but haven't told her that!

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