At an impasse with DH regarding contraception

[BedroomImpasse]

I'm currently in a difficult situation with my husband where we can't seem to agree on what contraception to use. We are in our mid-40s with 2 DCs. Neither of us are planning on having any more children. He doesn't want to have a vasectomy and I don't want to be stuck on the pill, or hormonal contraception generally, until menopause hits. So we have been stuck using condoms. We recently had something of a mishap however. We hadn't had sex for about a month, and DCs were both out of the house for a few hours, so we ended up taking advantage of the opportunity and having sex. It was a nice, mutually very satisfying shag which I think we both needed. We were both really turned on, then we both got carried away and he didn't use a condom. This resulted in me having to rush out to get emergency contraception, also known as the morning-after pill. It was the first time I've ever used it my life, and I'm not looking to repeat the experience. I was a hormonal mess for about 2 days after taking it.

Have spoken to DH but he is adamant that he won't have the snip. He has said that he has seen too many horror stories online about it, such as men who are in constant pain for months after having it, or having difficulties urinating or getting an erection. I myself don't particularly want a tubal ligation (which is much more invasive than a vasectomy would be for him), so our options seem to be either me staying on the pill, using condoms (which neither of us like) or just not having sex. After the aforementioned mishap with condoms, I don't know if they are going to be a reliable option going forward. I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation regarding contraception.

Not similar but might be an idea to choose different condoms, flavoured ribs and dots etc?

It wasn't a mishap though was it? It was a choice and one you could be better at making in the future. Like PP said. Go and find a brand that suits you both.

Me and my partner successfully used the pull-out method for years with no mishaps. It does require a degree of discipline on your husband's part though to ensure he pulls out in time.

My wife came off contraception to conceive and I noticed a massive improvement in her libido and mood. TTC lasted much longer than expected and I didn’t want her to go back on it .

I like you DH don’t want the snip for many reasons. So we use condoms and have done for ten yrs. Has no accidents as not chanced it without one . It’s the only solution with your impasse and perfectly reasonable.

97% of vasectomies are problem free. Everything still works as it should, except there is no chance of pregnancy. It doesn't make you less of a man - only an idiot would think that - my own experience was that it liberated us from that worry, and the sex was better than ever.

Whether you had vaginal births or CS's, you probably went through a lot to have your DC, with lots of pain, stitches involved and potentially after effects such as a weakened pelvic floor. I'd be damned after all that if I'd continue taking shit that plays havoc with your hormones. If he can't manage a very simple operation to snip his tubes, then it'll have to be condoms. Maybe shop around though and try different types to see if others are better.

If he doesn’t want the snip ( his choice) and you don’t want hormonal birth control ( your choice) the condoms or abstain are your current choices

Is it just me as a man, that knows exactly when I’m going to cum? If he is the same, he just pulls out.

I did that for years with my ex wife. The small amount of times we had sex. Lol.

Thanks for bringing the shame! Just what a sex positive thread needs 😘

Just offering what I thought was a sex-positive comment (perhaps read it again) based on my personal experience 😀

Snip? Best decision I ever made !

Condoms for him or barrier for you I guess …… or he could wait for the male contraceptive pill and hope you trust him enough that he’d actually take it …… 🤷‍♂️😉

Sounds like condoms then, it's what we do, and there are definitely better ones than others. My husband was going to get a vasectomy but he has one of his best mates who has such a bad time after his and is in regular pain so that has put him off the idea.

What about the coil? Fewer hormonal side effects with the hormone type or the non hormonal type if you want to be completely hormone free

What do you call a couple who use withdrawal methods of contraception - parents.

A vasectomy hurts a lot less than treading barefoot on a lego brick that your, as yet unborn, 3rd child has left out.

Those who have problems have often had the snip in the am then gone straight back to work.

My Dr told me to take it easy for a day or so, go back to bed afterwards and sit around much of the next day.

Anyway any such pain is said to be far less than pregnancy/childbirth.

It’s just that I could control myself. I could time things perfectly. To last for as long or as short as she wanted. I also had self control and no intention of having more children. Maybe I’m unusual. I didn’t feel the need to cum inside my partner. I used to enjoy finishing on her boobs.

There you go. I’ve told you the full story now.

If he’s unwilling to get a vasectomy and you don’t want to use hormonal birth control, then condoms are probably your most straightforward option or maybe a copper coil (I have one inserted and it's been working great for us)

You could also look into natural cycles if you don’t want to use condoms all the time. You can use a basal body temperature thermometer and track your cycle, and an app can help identify your fertile days. You’d then need to use condoms or avoid sex during your fertile window.

I definitely wouldn’t recommend relying on the pull-out method though. I used it successfully for years with the same partner, until one completely random time it failed and I got pregnant 😂 So yeah, it worked for us right up until the moment it very much didn’t.

Tell him to properly research the snip. Risk of medium or long term issues is tiny. He's being stupid, using condoms is awful for the sake of a very minor procedure and 2-3 days of discomfort.

He is being a twat.

He's right although I think his 97% maybe too low.

Yup.

https://eaucongress.uroweb.org/news/press-release-uk-study-finds-vasectomies-are-even-safer-than-reported

Diaphragm is another option—more effective than the pull out method.

Only a twat would write something along those lines.

Body autonomy is everything- nobody should be forced into any medical procedure they don’t want -

He is just a wimp.
A little discomfort for a day is an acceptable 'cost' for freeing ones wife of the worry of childbirth and the freedom to engage in sex so much more spontaneously.

Oh dear.

How strongly do you not want any more children? I refuse to take any hormonal contraception and don’t like the idea of the coil so we use condoms or the pull out method depending on where I am in my cycle. But, we plan on having another child in the future so a small amount of risk is acceptable to us.

Once our family is complete he will get the snip, considering I have done my part in the sacrifice department.

That is exactly how we approached it.

During our journey we discovered we hated condoms. The cap was ok but the spermicide spoiled other aspects of our secluded - iral obviously.

Neither of us were happy with risk associated with not using condoms properly to the extent it was putting us of intercourse.

So ultimately we arrived at a crossroads. It was the snip or a life of oral sex and HJs. For me the choice was obvious and this was before the internet was able to provide the level of reassurance I posted further up this thread.

It sounds like the OP is at the same crossroads. Her husband really needs to step up. Hormonal contraception cann be used forever.

I’m one of the 3% so just stick with condoms OP