Dating in my sixties: advice on a new partner with erectile dysfunction

[Jillybliss]

My partner and I have split up, and I've been online dating. I'm in my sixties and would very much like to find a lovely man to be in a relationship with - I certainly didn't expect to be alone at this stage in my life!
I've had several dates with different men, but not met anyone special - no one that I've thought of as being a possible long term partner, and no one that I've wanted a sexual relationship with.
I've been chatting with a lovely chap for the last couple of weeks, he seems great, however he sent me a text this week saying that he'd like to be completely transparent with me ... and most women walk away when he tells them what he's about to tell me. He said that he's tactile, loves making love, always ensures that a ladies 'needs' are looked after ... but that he suffers from Erectile Disfunction.

I've now met him and we got on fabulously ... I've never come across E.D before - may I ask for advice from those of you that have, please? Do I run for the hills, how do others cope ... what do I do to please him if I decide to stay with him?
Thank you in advance

Has he tried any treatment? Not all sex involves penetration.

Has he tried Viagra?

It might be caused by medication he is on. Some are notorious for it. The GP might suggest an alternative, or take the easy way out and prescribe Viagra. I have an older friend who uses Cialis because it lasts longer. I have a feeling some GPs think it doesn't matter with older patients.

Or he might have got seriously overweight.

It sounds like he recognises there are other things you can do.

There are a number of reason for ED. Some are surmountable and some aren't. It should never be a reflection on you.

He could try a cock ring as well as viagra/cialis.

If you had vaginal dryness would you want someone to run for the hills 🥴 if he’s willing to try /willing to do other things I wouldn’t rule him out!

If your partner is open, might use Viagra sometimes, maybe gets an erection some of the time, it is possible to have a very good sex life with someone who has ED

Thank you all for your answers - much appreciated. I've only had the one date with him, and so apart from the text he sent me telling me about his 'condition' and my reply that said I'm sure we'll get round that if and when the time comes, I haven't mentioned it. It must have been an extremely difficult subject to admit to, but he certainly sounds like he knows how to please a woman by other means! From my point of view I'm sure that many men in my age group will suffer occasionally (or always!) from similar problems, I'm half expecting it. I like intimacy, and feel it's important within a relationship - but there's many way of showing it. I've no idea if he's suffered for a long time, whether its due to medication, or any other reason. He's not overweight, and keeps himself fit. I suppose I was interested to know how other people deal with it.
Thank you again for your suggestions x

If there is no remedy to be found (GP advice. Viagra etc) and PIV is, or becomes important to you, it will become very tedious and actually probably unsatisfying to the point of living like friends.

Might take a while of trial and failure for you to decide if that’s what you want?

Good point, Pasha ... and I don't really want to be 'living like friends' - I've been there, and I think I'd rather stay single.

Do I run for the hills

Why would you do that? ED is usually very easily treated.

I like intimacy

So do I. Currently intimate every day, despite mid sixties DH having suffered from ED for ten years.

Well,
it could be health ( heart, diabetes) , could be meds he is on could be previous treatment for cancer etc - could be a whole host of things that cause this.

depending on the outcome you want there are pills, rings , sheaths all kinds of things that help you ( if that’s what you want)

Thank you for this. I guess when the time comes I'll have to gently ask a few questions ... your reply has helped no end.

1 date and text messages. I'd be careful TBH OP. This could turn into a project or a medical drama. There's a lot more talking to be done. I sense you're not feeling it, if what you're looking for is a full sex life and the intimacy that goes with it.

Poor guy cant win - not tell her and get accused of leading her on!

OP - In many cases viagra (or similar) needs to have stimulation to work. Cialis is better as that works for 72 hours so no need to plan so tightly

I was very touched that he told me - how difficult would that have been for him. He left me in no doubt that he does everything else to satisfy a woman, and he seems a lovely man ... let's be honest, at my age I think I've got to expect the fact that any man in my age group is likely to experience 'trouble'. I think what worries me more is how on earth do I satisfy him?? Will he orgasm, for example? I know nothing about it - but its going to be quite sometime before I sleep with him, and he's so open about it, hopefully he'll tell me what I need to do!

I have used tablets before, only because sometimes I feel the 'pressure to perform' with someone new and feel like I need to impress. If it's a long term partner it's all fine. If he has full time issues, then he should (with the tablets unless servere medical issue), be able to stay hard if aroused. and finish in the normal way (if anything it can delay things slightly)

Thank you, FloydPink - that's useful information!

The issue here is that at this age if he is this open, why wouldn’t he have already tried these “remedies” mentioned? Surely he has and they don’t work.

There still needs to be attraction and there is also the 'stigma' of it. There is also the thought that he doesnt want or cant take them, or that he has seen the Viagra price and put off at the cost (whereas generic is 10% of the cost, like Tesco ibuprofen and a named brand)

Reading with interest ... thank you ...

I signed up specifically to make comments on this thread because I thought I may be able to provide some useful information based on my experiences

Regarding ED in general, I first encountered this in my 40s. By the time I go to my Mid60s, I needed to take some medication - so I tried Sildenafil (generic Viagra). 25Mg at first moving to 50mg. This has been great. Minimal side effects apart from feeling flushed but the benefits vastly outweigh any disadvantages. Can work quickly. Within 30 minutes, certainly within an hour. Also tried other products but, if anything, less effective

But the effect has gradually worn off. Now in my Mid70s, the situation has deteriorated so it's beginning to be successful less than half of the time. So we have now switched from evenings (worst time for ED) to early mornings (best time). Only recently, but this has improved the success rate to 100% so far. Only time will tell whether this works in the longer term

So that's what I would advise for anyone with ED to try

I read lots of observations about health. I don't smoke. I don't drink alcohol. My BMI is certainly average or below average. I don't have Type 2 Diabetes. I take no other medication. My blood pressure is averaging 128/68. I don't suffer from stress. So I resent a lot of comments around ED being based on health or how sufferers need to take action

Now on this specific thread, this man has been very honest up front. I think the point is that he wants a relationship which may not involve PIV. And as I said above, there may absolutely nothing he can do about it. I think OP that you have been great about this too. You need to ask yourself the question - is it OK for you?

He's clearly saying that it's OK for him. But if it's not OK for you, because PIV is non-negotiable, that's your choice which you absolutely have the right to make

Apologies if this is too late, but I understood that I had wait a week before posting

Thank you so much Anoldguy for your post. It's both helpful and informative - especially because you're a man! He and I are talking regularly, and we seem to be a great match. I've no idea how important it will be for me, to be honest. I am looking for a loving relationship, and very much want intimacy, but how I look at it is, i could meet a man who has no E.D problems, but if hes a selfish lover, or his technique isn't what I like, then I could very easily be left 'dissatisfied'. A man who suffers from E.D, but who is loving and wants to please a woman, could easily be a farm better lover. Well, that's what I'm hoping, anyway!
Thank you again so much for your input - so much appreciated!
I'm hoping for more dates this week, and will see how we get on.

The fact that the OP has taken the time to post here and discuss the issue is a great sign. Do a bit more research and talk to him about the condition, no need to mention this thread.

It sounds like you'd be a good match.

Thank you for the helpful advice, Oldtadger - much appreciated. It's not been an issue up to now because we've only had a few dates, but I like him a lot, and if and when we take it a step further I'd like to be able to put him at ease.