This has been asked numerous times but here we are

[whatsnewpussycatt]

Hi

I know there will have been similar threads on this before but I need my own clarity if possible .

Married for 12 years. 2dc. I’m mid 30s, dh is mid 40s.

No major issues in the marriage. Dh is kind, supportive, pulls his weight, there are no arguments or abuse. We get on well. We are financially stable etc…

The issue is for the past couple of years there has been no intimacy either sexually or otherwise. When dc were very little it was ok, dh has never had a massive sex drive but would still initiate occasionally. We were tired and busy so both happy with the lack of anything I suppose.

Now dc are slightly more independent and we have more time. I have stopped some medication that was killing my drive and it has come back with a vengeance.

About a year ago I raised the issue with dh. There is no sex and even no physical contact outside the bedroom. We don’t connect emotionally either. We are roommates that get on well effectively.

He is strongly adamant that he fancies me, has a libido and wants sex and intimacy to happen. Yet it never does. I do initiate but not as often anymore because it feels forced now.

6 months past with promises of change and nothing happening so I raised it again. Dh still adamant their are no issues and said me raising it causes awkwardness so makes it worse. So I left it alone.

Last month I laid it out to dh that I hadn’t raised the issue as he preferred, yet nothing has changed. I was clear that I cannot pretend to be satisfied in the marriage and I was honest that it had briefly crossed my mind to look outside the relationship. I don’t want to do that but I need to feel wanted and sexy and loved. We don’t even cuddle on the sofa and the most we do is a quick kiss very occasionally. If I raise it he will initiate sex once but then nothing until I raise it again. I brought up a possible open marriage but dh said that he wants me intimately and why would we do this when we both want each other! But it’s all just words and no action.

During this conversation last month I did give an ultimatum. I said I will support him getting medical investigations (such as low testosterone) but he just refuses to accept this. I suggested marriage counselling but he ignores this suggestion.

I have tried other things, such as dressing up more, sexier underwear, I often feel gross after because he doesn’t even notice or care. I directly initiate and I ask, again this is awful because it’s only me doing it and makes me feel like I’m forcing him or that I’m undesirable.

I just can’t imagine ending an otherwise good marriage and breaking up a family because of lack of sex. However, this lack of sex, along with intimacy or connection is killing my self esteem.

Would people end a marriage over this? Realistically? It’s easy to say yes over a forum when not faced with the reality but would you?

I feel in an impossible position. I would love some advice.

I think he's, gay... Sorry

Think carefully. This won't change.

You're young and may well find a relationship that satisfies you both emotionally and physically. Obviously, things are hard when children are involved, but not impossible.

Here's a suggestion; feel free to ignore: make a concrete plan regarding splitting up including where you and the children could live, and other practicalities. Get into a headspace in which you're prepared to carry out the plan, then approach your husband with a timeline for improvement. Three months?

I should have done this, didn't, and regret it.

"I just can’t imagine ending an otherwise good marriage and breaking up a family because of lack of sex."

No sex, no physical intimacy or affection, no emotional connection, no working together towards a shared goal of improving your relationship. How is this a good marriage?

These things don’t change. I know from experience. You will still be posting this in another year and another year after.

Maybe it’s time to call time on a sexless marriage.

I honestly could have written this myself.
Youve done everything right - you’ve been open, communicated. The fact is if he won’t engage with your suggestions, you don’t have many more ways to go. I’m with the PP who suggested planning things in advance and then going from there. So sorry this is happening x

You may well be doing him a favour as well. He's definitely hiding from the problem

I did ask him if he is gay. He denies it. I can’t see why he wouldn’t admit it if he was. We both have open and accepting families and friends. Being gay is normal in our lives. Nothing to worry about. So I don’t understand why, if he was, he wouldn’t have said so now or in his younger years.

I hear what everyone is saying and thank you for the responses. It’s a soul destroying situation

Unfortunately this is very true. I’ve been telling myself for 17 years that things will get better. They don’t.

Hi Op this must be soul destroying. I think that many relationships and marriages breakdown because of the lack of sex, but for obvious reasons people will not admit to it.
Would it be possible to have a weekend or a few days away together without children? In order that you can deal with this situation?
Have you considered counselling?
If you try or have tried the above then maybe as others have suggested you are both not meant to be together.
Good luck.

Same here. Totally sexless relationship and I can't see it getting better. I stick around for the kids but if they weren't here I would have gone years ago.

Life changes, people change and sometimes your partner just doesn't. It's no one's fault but attraction goes as easily as it comes.

It's a shame but it's important to not base your confidence or perception of yourself on whether someone you are married to wants to have sex with you.

I'm in the same boat. You've had plenty of advice saying to leave, I refuse to tear apart an otherwise great family. Of course I miss sex and intimacy and many will say I've made the wrong call.

I've thrown my energy into myself, getting fit and into the best shape I've been since I was a teenager. All of a sudden people look at you a bit differently, and whilst I'd never cheat, even a bit of flirting and a cheeky glance from blokes at work gives more excitement than I've had at home in years, and keeps me going.

It sounds as if you've made peace with your situation. Well done (I'm not being sarcastic, I promise!)

The amount of men who have posted similar stories and got a different set of responses.

It hasn't happened to me, thank goodness but the lack of small affections would be the decider for me. As well as him refusing to get advice from anywhere.
I could imagine myself looking for affection elsewhere, yes cheating. But cheating on a man who doesn't really care about me, does he deserve respect? If he can't be arsed about me. I would find someone who does care about me.

Same boat ( other end maybe ), male - in a “solid “ relationship for a long time- no sex or intimacy for years and years ( maybe a decade) , moved into spare room and absolutely nothing changed- eventually split and moved out.

have my own house now and a new GF who loves intimacy in and out of the bedroom- my only regret was not doing it sooner.

My marriage was similar. I’m now a 54 year old female. I think for us, though, it was a combination of not being interested in each other, sexually. We also never had any sort of physical stuff going on outside the bedroom - no kissing, no hand-holding, nothing. In the bedroom, he was very poor. He’d literally get on top, do his stuff and get off. That was it! No kissing, touching etc. It was so underwhelming! I had been very inexperienced and naive when we met. 10 year age gap.

I had often thought my husband was batting for the other side. His friends were also single and none were interested in women (now all in their 60’s living alone). One did actually come out as gay.

I just wasn’t attracted to him in the end. His idea of initiating sex was to tap my bum - like pressing a button on a machine that would instantly come into action. It was just soulless. Awful. No passion. No connection.

I put a stop to it. I just had to accept we were to live without sex and intimacy. Ten years went by…

Menopause hit. I experienced the sex surge (I’d never heard of it) of menopause. And, I’m ashamed to say, I drifted and got involved with a man I met online. We became great friends and lovers. Both married, both in similar situations. He is still in my life but both of us know he is holding me back. We live far apart but meet up every now and then. Obviously, I ended my marriage immediately! I had never intended for this to happen and wake up every day wishing I’d never started chatting to this man but we formed a deep emotional and sexual connection. He is a very passionate man. I was swept away with his passion. I realised what was wrong with my marriage and it is my biggest regret that I didn’t tackle the situation much earlier.

You need to do something. Don’t leave it like I did. It won’t get any better!

@Pinklemonadeandstrawberries I don't think you've got anything to be ashamed about.

I probably don’t, no. I just feel bad with myself for letting things go so far (in my marriage) without doing anything sooner.

My marriage has been sexless for 8 years and my wife had an affair 16 years ago. On the one hand, I'm full of regret, on the other, the only way you can go is forwards.

It's ok if you learn from your mistakes, but regret is a dangerous emotion which can lead you down dark paths. Don't indulge it or give in to it.

With hindsight I wish I’d sat down and just asked the simple question.

We either start having a fulfilling sex life. Let me see someone on the side just for sex. Or, we split up. A simple question would have settled things in my head years earlier. I didn’t have the bottle.

Now in my late 50s, I have the most amazing sex life. There is hope for us.

This is sadly very very true.

I was you, apart from it wasn’t a good relationship and we split up.

I had a few years on my own, then met someone else with whom I had a 6-month relationship & it reawakened the beast!

I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years & he is the best lover I have ever had. We are negotiating the menopause together & I am having the best arc of my life.

@ThatAquaSnail , @GentlemanJay Ah, come on, lads - MN is primarily a women's forum, so that's just the way it is. The Dadsnet part's not much use, but there are other forums: Reddit, for example.

I feel I've always had a fair hearing here.

This happened to me. An almost sexless relationship when we had young children. I kept thinking ‘things will get better when… ds sleeps through the night, there’s less money pressures, I’ve lost a bit of weight’ etc etc
we ended up having marriage counselling and nothing changed or improved.
i kept having conversations similar to those you describe. Nothing changed or improved. I asked if I could sleep with other men’s he said no.
It finally ended when I slept with a friend. My husband found out, I instantly admitted it and ended things with my husband. It was awful. I still a year one and am struggling with why and how my marriage down. I am pleased it’s over and in many ways I’m living my best life, but I shouldn’t have acted as I did and I feel huge regret and really hated myself for what I’d done.
if you know it’s over, end things. Good luck.

I think some couples just have that magic and can maintain passion and intimacy throughly their relationship, others lack that spark. I think that’s what happened with my marriage. I just didn’t have sexual chemistry with my husband and he was boring in the bedroom (and out) - add the ten year age gap and it was a recipe for turning off the floodgates 😂.

I married someone because they were nice. Mistake. There are other things I should’ve looked for.