This has been asked numerous times but here we are

[whatsnewpussycatt]

Hi

I know there will have been similar threads on this before but I need my own clarity if possible .

Married for 12 years. 2dc. I’m mid 30s, dh is mid 40s.

No major issues in the marriage. Dh is kind, supportive, pulls his weight, there are no arguments or abuse. We get on well. We are financially stable etc…

The issue is for the past couple of years there has been no intimacy either sexually or otherwise. When dc were very little it was ok, dh has never had a massive sex drive but would still initiate occasionally. We were tired and busy so both happy with the lack of anything I suppose.

Now dc are slightly more independent and we have more time. I have stopped some medication that was killing my drive and it has come back with a vengeance.

About a year ago I raised the issue with dh. There is no sex and even no physical contact outside the bedroom. We don’t connect emotionally either. We are roommates that get on well effectively.

He is strongly adamant that he fancies me, has a libido and wants sex and intimacy to happen. Yet it never does. I do initiate but not as often anymore because it feels forced now.

6 months past with promises of change and nothing happening so I raised it again. Dh still adamant their are no issues and said me raising it causes awkwardness so makes it worse. So I left it alone.

Last month I laid it out to dh that I hadn’t raised the issue as he preferred, yet nothing has changed. I was clear that I cannot pretend to be satisfied in the marriage and I was honest that it had briefly crossed my mind to look outside the relationship. I don’t want to do that but I need to feel wanted and sexy and loved. We don’t even cuddle on the sofa and the most we do is a quick kiss very occasionally. If I raise it he will initiate sex once but then nothing until I raise it again. I brought up a possible open marriage but dh said that he wants me intimately and why would we do this when we both want each other! But it’s all just words and no action.

During this conversation last month I did give an ultimatum. I said I will support him getting medical investigations (such as low testosterone) but he just refuses to accept this. I suggested marriage counselling but he ignores this suggestion.

I have tried other things, such as dressing up more, sexier underwear, I often feel gross after because he doesn’t even notice or care. I directly initiate and I ask, again this is awful because it’s only me doing it and makes me feel like I’m forcing him or that I’m undesirable.

I just can’t imagine ending an otherwise good marriage and breaking up a family because of lack of sex. However, this lack of sex, along with intimacy or connection is killing my self esteem.

Would people end a marriage over this? Realistically? It’s easy to say yes over a forum when not faced with the reality but would you?

I feel in an impossible position. I would love some advice.

It’s hard to live without though, isn’t it. I ended my marriage too. I never got caught but menopause was a big driver for me. He is still in my life but remains married and I’m an idiot for letting this happen. However, it made me re-evaluate my sexless marriage (had been over ten years), lack of sexual chemistry and any form of intimacy. I just didn’t see him that way - through a combination of age gap, he was 💩 at it all and had had the ick creeping in.
I am lonely now, constantly thinking about a man I can’t have and I’ve lost a lot (financially and emotionally) but I have gained my freedom. I’m off to 4 European cities in the next 2 months!

I was in your situation but for much longer. I cannot express how soul destroying it is to be in a sexless marriage, my self esteem will never recover. I often say that my marriage was really ‘rent a womb’, because he managed to get an erection to provide the sperm for three children, which is actually one more than the number he wanted, and I was punished for the third, and then once or twice a year, which dwindled to nothing at all for the last 10 years of our marriage. At the end we were literally at a point where he would flinch if I so much as innocently touched him by mistake.

We are now in to year 5 of divorce, which is still not finalised, and he has portrayed himself as the bewildered, rejected husband, and I have lost his vast, extended family, most of whom I adored, and he gave little attention to.

Selfishly, the worst thing is that having left it so late there is very little I can do to improve my finances. What seemed like a decent retirement, with two pension incomes is vastly different when looking at managing on one, the same for buying a property to the value of half a family home.

You need to decide how important this is to you, and I would say that once your children are grown up and you look at what is left it becomes much more important that your relationship is working for you both. I stayed for the children and now I am very aware that we did not model the best relationship for them. Although traumatic maybe at the time, I think it would have been better for them to see happier parents, either single or in other, loving relationships, than the wasteland that we gave them.

@OneWildandWonderfulLife That's an incredibly sad story. I notice also that it was posted very early in the morning (if you're in the UK) which suggests it's preying on your mind. I wish I could say something to help. As I type this, I'm in the worst of moods - "I never stood a chance of happiness; why did I marry her?" etc and, being honest and not very encouraging, it's rare I feel the wonderful, light happiness lots of us aspire to. However, on better days, I still feel, at 59, I have a lot to live for, and I look forward to the next decade of my life with, let's say, equanimity and some optimism. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you can turn your feelings into something positive.

@OneWildandWonderfulLife
So many people stay for the children and end up so sad inside. Did you ever confide in anyone during your marriage, especially over the last ten years?

Sorry not been back. I haven’t been on in a while. It’s school hols and work is relentless. It’s been a distraction in all aspects of my life.
I appreciate all your replies. I’m making plans to leave. Me and dh have argued the last few days, about other stuff, but it’s the push I needed.

Oh and I guess I have accepted it’s an attraction thing. What else can it be.

Good luck. The numbers are in your favour! Anyone who reads enough of these stories will realise a few things: sexless marriages rarely improve; getting out of an unhappy relationship almost always brings happiness (eventually, maybe not immediately.) Please come back in a year or two, when you'll either be telling us that you're so glad you're single, or you've met a man who loves both your mind and your body.

You are right, I would never recommend anyone stay for the children, although I do accept many will.

I did disclose my situation to a couple of good friends, one of whom, it turned out, had a marriage the other way around, since menopause she had not had sex with her husband, so whilst we could talk about the difficulties it wasn’t really a support in the way I needed.
Eventually I had some therapy, but we had separated by then. My therapist couldn’t understand my lack of anger, but I had hidden so much of me for so long I’m not sure I will ever find that bit of me.

I left my sexless marriage after 3.5 years, just before I turned 52. Soul destroying is the phrase people keep using above and it's true, I was shrivelling away, so miserable and ashamed really, that my own husband wouldn't fuck me.

Sex is like the oil that keeps things running smoothly in a marriage and without it everything was just so much more difficult.

The lack of intimacy, of care, that followed the lack of sex was the worst thing, and that's what finally pushed me out.

I've had a lot of sex since with several different men. Mostly excellent 😁 I fell in love, had my heart broken when he died, and I've quite recently met someone else and I think this is going to be serious. He adores me and the sex is feral 😁

So there's hope out there for all those still in those semi-relationships. Honestly. I'm way less better off, but I'm happy.

You had a revival a year or two so @DixonD - has it all disappeared again?

How often do you get to see him if he's married or is more online chatting, wouldn't you be better off finding a fwb on Fab or similar?

Every few weeks. We chat on the phone and text in between. It’s not enough for me anymore. I have tried to find someone else but I adore this man and I don’t think I will ever find that chemistry again. Although I have known him years now, he told me he was unhappy in his marriage at the start and it has become obvious he was just saying it 😞.

I want more than a FWB tbh.