My partner has been searching for escorts

[Hill1105]

My partner of 3 years has been searching for escorts on his phone, he says he’s just being nosy and I’m over reacting but I don’t feel I am. Last year I found he’d text them but said he’d not gone through with it.
we have a regular active sex life and get on wonderfully but I don’t feel like I can stay with someone who has intentions of this kind of thing. Has anyone experienced similar?

I think you would get better/more replies on the Relationship board. FWIW I would dump him immediately. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Have you ever had a fantasy about something you'd never actually go through with?
You know your partner better than MNers do, but is it correct to assume he is doing anything more than fantasising?

And just for clarity, how did you happen to find that he's been searching for escorts on his phone? I'm guessing you went looking and, to me, that says you don't trust him. Whether that's justified or not, that's not a good place to be in a relationship and needs addressing one way or another.

If you've been wanting a reason to end the relationship, you found what you didnt want to find.

FWIW, yes I have experience of this.

I have searched for male escorts in the past as a fantasy. Never any intention at all of hiring one.
However, i would never ever have texted one. That’s the kicker. If escort use bothers you (as it would me and most others I suspect) then my advice would be to get rid.

Perfectly normal behaviour for men, it’s just that most women aren’t aware.

If you’re happy in your relationship, and you sound like you are, don’t throw it away over something like this - give him a break, but warn him not to dare go beyond fantasy and titillation!

If you’re not married and don’t have kids, I would run for the hills. No use wasting any further time.

This!!! You are not over reacting OP your reaction is valid (whatever it is). He’s been caught messaging prostitutes. Presumably to ask about prices or availability. Even if he hasn’t met one yet, he will…

Speaking as a man it is absolutely not normal behaviour.

However, I can well imagine that searching hookers and even texting them could be just glorified fantasy and he never had any intention of going through with it. Men post here pretending to be women FFS, if their fantasy lives lead them to that then there's every chance their fantasy ideas might involve texting hookers they have zero intention of meeting.

So, I dunno. If it's a brilliant relationship I wouldn't let this wreck it. If it's not brilliant it seems a good moment to get out of dodge.

Speaking as a man, you are incredibly naive - it is what it is, whether you agree or not - just look at the number of hits sites like Adult Work get, who is doing all this do you think?

Another reason to stay away from men!

The best evidence is that about 20% of people have cheated at some point in their life. The proportion is slightly higher for men and slightly lower for women, say 21% v 19%.

So, most men never cheat.

Looking up escorts, especially after having caught texting them is the sort of behaviour I would associate with someone who cheats, ie, there's no basis to suggest it's 'normal behaviour for men'.

I also think this is a Relationships board question though I think the answer is obvious.

Possibly the saddest thing I will read today.

I love your solid evidence here, you really believe those figures, don’t you?

Why are you banging on about cheating?

There is a world of difference between looking and doing, and virtually everyone I know has a look at some point or other, making it indeed quite normal.

Righto.

At worst, he’s using/is going to use sex workers.

At best, he is deliberately wasting someone’s time at work, with no intention of ever using their services. Imagine deliberately wasting a builder’s time.

Either way, he’s not a decent human.

Nah, if you're looking up escorts then you're looking with intention. There is nothing to be gained by just looking them up. You might look them up then chicken out of doing anything, but they were looked up for a reason.

Nonsense! I remember watching a documentary about a girl on Adult Work, who was so fed up dealing with time wasters who didn’t follow through - it seems many like the thrill of looking and perhaps communicating, never with any intention of acting it out.

Anyway, I need to return some videos now!

And perhaps many just simply chickened out? That's just as likely as doing it for the thrill.

Deffo not. I've browsed PunterNet(?) for cheap thrills and I will never, ever hire a hooker. I could imagine someone going a step further and contacting the girls during a wank session. Then "post nut clarity" kicks in, it's all forgotten and there was never the slightest intention of meeting.

Not his proudest moment, but not cheating. Personally that would be my bet in this case.
No drawback to dumping him, though, so might be better to play it safe and dump him anyway, obvs with minimum drama.

I had to Google PunterNet (didn't go onto the site itself, just read an article about it).

You went on there to read reviews about sex workers, for the thrill of it?

Pretty much. There was a woman on Pornhub who linked to her punternet reviews (as you would 😃) and I read her reviews, looked at some of her photos and vids then looked at some others. I assume post nut clarity kicked in and 12 seconds later it was all history and I've never gone back for another look.

I've also only every known one guy who had ever visited a hooker, and I've mixed in sports and social settings with a large circle of male friends who wouldn't gave been shy about saying if they had. So I don't think hookers are a typical activity for many men.

@NCForThatForumM - can you .... "purchase" women on Punternet? Or is it just reviews?

Pretty sure you could contact them or she wouldn't have put the link on pornhub.

There's no shortage of builders, painters, plumbers and electricians who have wasted my time, so the fact that I've looked at their websites or sent them messages fills me with absolutely no guilt whatsoever. And I'd certainly not use their services.

How does this make wasting a sex worker’s time by sending them texts you never plan to follow up with okay? Deliberately wasting a sex worker’s time when they’re at work is not okay, regardless of how many builders, painters, plumbers, and electricians have wasted your time in the past.

@PTown You said "Imagine deliberately wasting a builder’s time." I responded to that.

More objectively, it's standard practice to ask multiple builders for quotes and only use one of them, so it's not really comparable to contacting sex workers.