Your most awkward sex stories....

[loutyre]

So I was talking to my friend who was telling me about a date she went on last night, a tinder date, and we got onto awkward sex moments, come to think of it I have had quite a lot and we found ourselves in stitches,

I once found myself waddling my bare backside through the garden, clothes in hand after being caught having sex on the bonnet of my boyfriends car.

Tell me some of yours

A couple of very smart uniformed Dutch policemen tapping on the car window while we were naked mid-action...and asking me for my passport.

....which they returned to me with a very respectful and polite “thank-you” - and straight faces!

Quite a few yrs ago when I was back living at home, I was seeing this girl, one day at hers we had sex with me wearing a condom. After finished it was time for me to go home as it was a 4 mile bike ride. When i got home i was in the kitchen when my mam said what's that...pointing to a used condom on the floor (she exactly what it was) I don't know which was more embarrassing, the fact she saw it or somehow on full display on my ride home

My friend has alotttt but w few of my favourites are-
One guy sung the one direction song you don’t know your beautiful and one guy made casual chit chat during, asking if she had any siblings or stayed with her mum

My funniest one was my sisters really large dog barged into the room while we are busy and started licking my partners bum and back before we had time to move, it was a hilarious case of shuffling and covering up from there

LOL at the chit chat... 'going anywhere for your holidays this year?' hairdresser stylee

I’ve also had a puppy get in the room and lick my foot, the cat jump in the window, scratch my arse then meow to be let out the door, and once with a girl in a house share her mate came in to borrow a hair drier! With that same girl we and her mates were spontaneously camping under a makeshift tent on a beach, drinking wine and smoking jazz ciggies, we retired to our compartment and got a bit frisky. I didn’t know but she did, that her mates came round to watch and gave us a round of applause when we finished.

With my fiest husband in his van in a well known park at night,there was a knock on the window and when a policeman asked what we were doing in the park, we said "oh just talking,"he said do you always take your shoes off to talk ,i was only 17 at the time

We had our fun in a restaurant bathroom during which my stockings got destroyed so I put them in the rubbish bin. 30 min later I got back to the loo to find my stockings carefully hanging on the door - someone thought I'd forgot about them and would be back to pick them up... Not that awkward but extremely thoughtful and nice haha

Me and a GF failed to hear her mum arrive back and were in the front room. Mum stuck her head around the door just in time to see daughter completing her hand job on me. Amazingly, she made a cup of tea for us.

Mine is by far and away the experience I’ve recently had where my husband (separated) and was supposed to be away came to the house to collect some things and I was fully in the middle of it with a guy I’d been seeing. Absolutely nowhere to hide 😩

I can relate to the post by @j712adrian above.

My second GF was quite busty for her age. And naturally I was very inquisitive. I was her first BF and she was obvs very shy and nervous. It took a week or so before we finally kissed.

After many months together she finally let me undo the buttons on her blouse so I could explore her beautiful cleavage. It was the middle of the week and the middle of the day. Her parents worked all day.We lay on her big double bed and she sat on top of me. Her denim skirt got pulled up around her waist. We both thought we heard a noise downstairs, but then we carried on.

With each of my hands finally holding each breast encased in her silky bra cups, her Dad appeared from nowhere and entered the room to see his teenage daughter on top of me and half undressed. He was putting the kettle on and would we like one?

Yep, in a very British way he looked at me. I looked at him. My GF climbed off me and was hurriedly trying to do up her blouse. We talked about how we'd like our tea. Yes, two sugars for me. And then he left. Not a word was spoken afterwards.

A few weeks later I was round at a strangers house as she babysat. Her parents were out with another couple. Back at half ten they said.

We had a passionate three hours on the sofa. She down to just her underwear and climaxing as their car pulled up outside. She was barely dressed and still flushed in the face as her Mum entered the room. Yes, it was hot in here, and yes their heating was turned up full.
Yes, we all agreed.

I had a new kitten who pounced on my boyfriends balls when he was on top
We were switching positions once and managed to whack my bf in the face with my (rather large) bum
I have farted more than once while receiving oral, I blame being so relaxed!

When I was 16 me and my BF were ... ahem... at it and I had been trying to stifle a cough for the entire time. But at the moment that I orgasmed, I coughed as well and because the two don't usually go together it was the weirdest noise ever. It took a few seconds but we were in fits for ages after that and still talk about it now.

OMG @Mrshappy2019 that is my worst nightmare! !
What was your husband's reaction?

Me and my FWB recently fell off the bed...awkward 'are you ok?' And then just got back on with it haha

I wasn't very sexually experienced. But i was "ready". So i met a chap online and this was a few years ago. Went back to his "flat". During the day i noticed a pink tinge. But i was "ready". We were doing the dtd and he mentioned blood. And there loads of blood on his friends white sheets. I crawled into the bathroom and it was like a red sea. I quickly ran out lol.

I met a guy off fab just before Christmas. We had been messaging for a few weeks before. He was keen to meet but I wasn't 100%. Eventually I agreed to meet one Saturday afternoon. It started off ok, he bought me a drink we had a chat then he said shall we get a hotel. 1st we went to he bumped into a mate outside so that was awkward. They had no room so then we went to another. He kept going on about seeing his friend and saying how dodgy was that.
We got in the room and after a shower had sex. He never had any interest in doing anything other than just sex no foreplay. He asked if I was going to finish myself off. Then he held on to me and did a huge fucking fart. I was pretty disgusted then he did it again. I got up and said seriously? he asked if I was ok. He text the mate he bumped into and went for a drink with him. I got home feeling utterly disgusted in the whole experience. The next day he text me saying I can't wait to spend a night with you. Yeah right. Just before Christmas and new year he text me saying happy xmas sexy lady and same for new year.

DH was my first boyfriend and i’d stay at his parents house with him so we could shag all
night. One night when I was about 17 we were getting down to it and his dad stormed into the room yelling ‘you two, get into the living room’ We got dressed, sloped up to the living room and received a telling off from him as we weren’t supposed to sleep together at his place Funnily enough I never stayed there again.

My girlfriend at the time (17&18) invited me to stay at her parents’ for the first time. I turned up with my overnight bag expecting a warm welcome but she hadn’t agreed it properly with her dad about where I’d sleep which was rather embarrassing.

He reluctantly agreed to put a camp bed up in her room and let her sleep on that, with me in her single bed as their guest. They wouldn’t let me sleep on the camp bed as it was really rickety.

Bedtime comes and I get in “my” bed and she gets in “hers“. Every time she moved it sounded like I was giving it to her good and hard but there’s no way I was risking that. I imagined her dad lying there thinking about his daughter being rogered and being wide awake all night.

After a while she decided that she’d ignore her dad and proceeded to crawl over to the single and give me a blow job which, whilst was most welcome, was utterly scary due to the prospect of an angry dad bursting in and throttling the pair of us.

We got away with it, and proceeded to bonk in all areas of their house whenever they were at work for the next few years.

If you think your kids don’t, sadly you’re mistaken.

After being out for a few drinks, my ex fell asleep one night whilst giving me a blowjob, which was all kinds of awkward. Ironically I was the tired one who hadn’t felt like doing anything when we got into bed initially!

Having sex with my ex while hand cuffed to the bed.....only for my 5 year old daughter to walk in wanting a drink. I sort of hip thrust/tipped him off me onto the floor at the side of the bed and just managed to hide my wrists under a pillow. I had to persuade her back to bed so I could let naked ex off the floor to uncuff me!

Thank God she was sleepy!

ikeakia, your daughter was merely feigning sleep; she saw everything and will tell all to the guests at your surprise 80th birthday party.

Many more near misses like that and my heart will give out before I’m 80!

Many years ago me and DH had a child free night and decided to spice things up a bit, we tapped a plastic sheet to the lounge floor and covered it in baby oil, we kept trying to dtd but kept sliding off each other, it wasn't happened so we decided it was the ideal chance to learn the breakdance spinning on your back move. I had greasy hair for ages after as the oil was not washing out.

Loooooool you all are making me laugh so hard!!!!

Me and my ex husband when we were teens took advantage of his empty parents flat and were doing the deed in his single bed...this was during the day. Anyway his bed wasn’t really that noisy but then we get a knock on the door. It’s the neighbour downstairs saying that it sounds like someone is chopping wood in the flat and if the noise could stop as she works nights!!! Loooooool she only went on to tell his parents after about the noise!!!! Loooool the endless jokes about wood chopping after.

Mine is more embarrassing than anything

So I had gone out on a few dates with a nice man he was a bit older than me, I was 20 at the time he has about 28. Took me to some really nice restaurants and bars and we had a lot in common so the conversation flowed well and we were getting on fine.

So this particular night we had decided to stay local and go to a Mongolian restaurant where they fry up the food for you fresh, gorgeous food. They had meat like crocodile and various other stuff you wouldn’t usually get in a normal restaurant.

We went to a few bars afterwards but the food did not agree with me and I was rushing off to the toilet every two minutes. Long story short, went back to his place and proceeded to do the deed, he had thrown his pillows on the floor to make more space on the bed - his fresh crisp white pillows.

I got on top of him and as he entered me, I shat myself, he looked at me and I actually saw his nostrils flare and he said ‘have you farted’ I jumped off and it was everywhere, the bedsheets and all over the white pillows 😫 he then asked me if I wanted to go ‘clean myself up’ I was so embarrassed.

In the morning (he was staying with his mum at the time) his mum came in and commented that the room smelt strongly of onions/curry. He told her I was sick.

Still friends with him now but it was the end to anything romantic 😂😂 and he brings it up on occasion ‘do you remember that time poo fell out of your bum?’
😂😂😂😂