How???? Without looking/being ridiculous?

[BitchfaceBarclay]

Off for a weekend with the H. Been together 20+ years. Grown up DCs. Very infrequent sex.
I'm a slightly drunken moment I did some shopping on LoveHoney.

How the bloody hell do I put my purchases into use without looking/feeling/being ridiculous and without making him run away screaming?

Just how?

Oh lord. I have this image of me. A bit fat and saggy. In my bodysuit. Getting tangled in my Tens leads and trying to put on The Allure while trying not to move too fast. Floating wobblingly along on the drugs. Eyes slightly crossed. Ankles a bit fuzzy as I can't bend that far to defuzz them.
Not to mention the 7 Dorset and train related books I have on my kindle.
Poor H. What has he done to deserve this? All he wanted was a quiet weekend away with a nice walk and maybe a train to look at.
'Darling. Pass me the lube and cock ring. And put the kettle on for a nice cup of tea.'

^^^^

This

This is why I haven't tried the alluring shopping items before.

I may just slip them in my bottom drawer and carry on as normal.

Slip them in your bottom and carry on

Sorry. Couldn't resist

good lord daisy!!!!!

OP, You have bags of enthusiasm and a great sense of humour.

You can't buy either of those things, and they are both priceless.

Your husband is a very lucky man.

I love this thread. I hope you have wonderful rampant utterly undignified sex OP.

Bitchface, good on you, go girl..

gabapentin goes very nicely indeed with a small glass of red wine, don't tell the doctors. Only one, mind you, enough to relax you, no spirits.

Send him those texts, take some love dice, start laughing. Humour is immensely attractive, melts into attraction fast...

Sounds ace.

Stop thinking poor dh, you are beautiful and sexy and he loves you just as you are. Enjoy it. If he doesnt want to use the toys then fair enough but dont tell yourself hes doing you a favour by having sex with you

LH is owned by someone I went to school with misses point of thread

It doesn't matter what size you are. Crotchless bodysuits drive them nuts.

Put the bodysuit on and take a photo of your crotch and send it to your DH with a caption 'this is all for you tonight' or similar. He should get the message and get him revved up a bit.

I wouldn't get drunk personally, alcohol just deadens the nerves and makes orgasm more difficult. He's your DH!

Eww please don't send him a photo of your crotch that is not sexy!

Please please please can we have an update on what happened?

Yes do update us

Anything can be worked out op with humour and laugher, when on the rare occasions it's gone tits up or not so to speak my end, my fall back has always been who's sticking the kettle on and mines a cheese sandwich.

The imagery you conjured up with the tens machine and wires was hilarious if not a little bit alluring 😀
I thought, he couldn't help surly laughing then thinking ahh feck it and make the most of it 😏

Do not send pic of crotch to wrong person!!!!
Chairman of the PTA or local vicar or boss!

Oh bitchface I hope you had fun. Your post made me laugh so much. You go lass!

No update. Perhaps she's in traction